10 tips for a peaceful first Christmas after separation

Christmas can be a difficult time if you’ve recently separated. Memories of happier times together during the festive season might feel overwhelming, and it may be hard to picture having a joyful Christmas this year.

If you have children, you may face extra challenges as they spend time between two separate homes. If this is you, read our guide on how to make co-parenting over Christmas run smoothly.

This blog is for couples who either don’t have children or whose children are grown up and no longer spend Christmas at home. We’ll share tips and advice to help you find moments of peace and joy this Christmas.

10 tips for your first Christmas after separation

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to your first Christmas after separation. Some couples may still be sharing a home and be on amicable terms, while others may be living apart and struggling to stay on speaking terms.

Whatever your situation and wherever you are on your separation journey, we want to help. Here are some tips to help you decide what’s right for you this year.

1. Stay in the moment

This doesn’t mean you can’t think about the past or future at all, but if you’re with friends or even just trying to read in the bath on your own, approach every activity mindfully and try to avoid letting your thoughts race and overcome the joy of the moment.

Stress can get particularly bad at this time of year, especially if you’ve just separated. Read more on how to handle stress and divorce.

2. Be a ‘yes’ person

It’s easy to say no to things if you’d rather have time alone, but saying yes to small spontaneous requests may lead to some great times. Try to embrace the parties, winter walks and catching up with friends, old and new. Relaxing and time to yourself is very important, but so is getting out there and creating new memories.

3. Have a fresh start

Christmas this year is going to be different. Focus on making the time special and unique rather than focusing on what you may not be doing or who you might miss.

You don’t need to wait until the New Year to make resolutions and start afresh. Take the opportunity to start a new chapter in your life now. This Christmas, you might want to start a new tradition or two to mark the start of something new. You may even want to make a Christmas ‘bucket list’, and then keep adding to it throughout the year. Plan to do some things just for you. You can use this year to spend Christmas exactly how you choose.

4. Set realistic expectations

Remember, Christmas is just one holiday. We don’t live in supermarket Christmas ads – no-one does. Expectations can ruin Christmas so try to be realistic about how you’ll feel in the run-up to Christmas and on the day itself. Accept that it may be emotionally challenging at times.

5. Avoid playing the ‘blame game’

Complaining about your ex-partner, to friends, family or even a stranger in the pub can feel good in the moment, but think about whether this is helping you to heal and move on.

Re-hashing the reasons you separated or the things that used to annoy you will keep you trapped in the past. If you have unresolved feelings around the separation or your ex-partner, consider trying counselling or therapy to work through those feelings in a more productive way.

Speak with a neutral professional who’s trained to help you. BetterHelp offer affordable, online counselling and therapy.

6. Start a journal

Journalling can be a great way to capture and validate your feelings over time. You can use your journal to look back and see the progress you’ve made in your healing journey. For example, this Christmas, consider your headspace and emotions before your separation and all the obstacles you’ve overcome since then. There is a lot to celebrate, not least your resilience.

7. Try not to judge, compete or compare

Whether you're separated or not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others during the holidays. Social media often shows a picture-perfect Christmas that isn’t real – people usually share their highlights, not the full story.

Remember, no Christmas is perfect. Avoid competing with your ex. What works for them might not be what you need right now. Don’t make choices or buy things just to outdo them. If your ex starts new traditions this year, try not to criticise them just for the sake of it. Focus on what’s best for you.

8. Surround yourself with the right people

Unsupportive friends and family – and you’ll know who they are – should be avoided at this time of year in particular. Try to spend most of your time with those that boost your confidence and make you feel like your true self.

9. When you’re ready, don’t be afraid to think about the future

Depending on where you are on the ‘healing curve’ post-separation, you may be feeling lots of different ways about the future.

If you haven’t formally started your divorce or separation yet, you may start exploring your options when you reach the stage of accepting your break-up. Thinking practically about the future in moderation can reduce feelings of anxiety and helplessness.

At amicable, we work with couples to help you manage the emotional, legal and financial aspects of divorce or separation. Through our services, we can help you work out how best to split your money and property and manage all the paperwork and the entire process for you.

10. Look after yourself

Whether you plan to stay busy or rest at home and watch feel-good films, make sure you eat and sleep well and do some exercise. These basic pillars of self-care can make a difference to your general mood and how much you enjoy your first Christmas after separation.

Read more about self-care and divorce.

If you’re struggling with low mood or anxiety, use the Christmas break to explore therapy.

Our partners at BetterHelp offer affordable counselling and therapy online at a time that suits you. They’ll match you with a qualified therapist based on what you’re looking for and want support with.

Your first Christmas after separation FAQs

Can separated couples see each other or members of each others’ families at Christmas?

The answer to this will be different for everyone, but there are some key things to keep in mind when thinking about whether it’s ok to meet up with your ex or a member of your ex partner’s family. Firstly, think about your intentions. There’s a difference between genuinely wanting to meet up with your ex-partner or their family because you’re in an amicable place and it will make you feel better, and wanting to meet up to go over an argument or rub in any good news you may have received since you last saw them. You may both have developed strong relationships with your in-laws over the time you were together. Some mutual friends may also feel ‘out of bounds’. Practise open and honest communication if you want to see someone who is linked to your ex to avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings. And don’t overshare when you meet up – if they’re close to your ex, anything you say will likely get back to them, and this isn’t a nice way to hear anything for the first time.

What should you do at Christmas if you still live together?

This can be really tricky but it’s very common if you’ve decided to separate recently. In this situation, it’s important to give each other time and space. You can try creating zones within your home so you each get the alone time you need to continue processing your emotions. You may be at different stages on the ‘healing curve’. As well as validating your own feelings, it’s important to try and understand and respect how your ex may be feeling. This can help you to help each other. Of course, all of the above advice still stands. You may still be living together, but you can take this opportunity to do things differently. Old traditions may feel too painful, so think outside the box and get creative with other members of your family and your friends this year.