Five things adult children of divorce want their parents to know

The last 20 years have seen a steady increase in the number of people over 55 seeking a divorce. In 2022, there were 80,057 divorces in England and Wales, marking a 29.5% decrease compared with 2021 (113,505 divorces) and the lowest number of divorces since 1971.

Divorcing couples with young children are inundated with advice on how to tell the children and how to co-parent effectively, but there is very little advice or research out there to help you navigate talking to your adult children of divorce about your split.

As a divorce and separation coach, I’ve spoken to many grown-up adult children of divorce and divorcing parents – there are some common themes. I’ve put together the top 5 things your adult children want you to know.

1. “This is hurting me too”

It can be easy to assume that the effects of parental divorce on adults will be minimal – often, they’ve left home, they’re financially independent and they may be married with children of their own.

But the message I’ve heard repeatedly is that your divorce does still affect them. The news that your parents are getting a divorce is a shock, whether you are 8, 33 or 46. It can still be devastating when your parents have to sell the home you grew up in, even though you moved out 10 or even 20 years ago.

However old your children are, they need you to do more than just talk to them. They need you to ask them how they feel, listen to their answers and be there to answer their questions or hug them. These moments are especially important if you plan to co-parent your adult children during your separation and beyond – acknowledging their emotions is vital to maintaining a healthy family dynamic.

2. “Please don’t overshare or ask me to take sides”

As children grow older, their relationship with you changes and may become more of a friendship than hands-on, everyday ‘parenting’ relationship. When things are challenging, you might lean on your children for emotional support.

However, sharing the intimate details of your latest row with your ex-partner or your date last night is likely to be uncomfortable for your child. They may feel hurt, conflicted and upset.

Remember that they are 50% you and 50% your ex-partner.They love you both. However old they are, they don’t want to be put in the middle and feel forced to take sides.

Look for emotional support elsewhere – friends, or better still a specialist or therapist trained to help you handle your emotions.

Our Separating with Children Service offers 90-minute sessions with Co-parenting Specialists to help you work on your co-parenting relationship, make child arrangements or resolve any other parenting issues during or after your separation. A session with one of our Specialists can be really helpful in the early stages of your separation, but can help ensure long-term success wherever you are in your journey.

3. “I have loads of questions – is this my fault? Did you stay together for my sake? Was the happy childhood I remember a lie?”

Many adults of divorced parents find that their parents’ separation throws up all sorts of questions and doubts about the validity of their memories of childhood. For some, it can shake their fundamental beliefs about themselves – especially if you overshare details of past incidents between you and your ex-partner.

Reassure your children that your divorce is not their fault or their responsibility, and that just because you’re divorcing now, it doesn’t mean their memories are false or built on lies. Reassure them that, although you’re choosing to separate now, you chose to be together then, and those memories will always remain special.

4. “I hate having to choose how I split my time with you both during holidays like Christmas”

Once you’re divorced, your adult children must spread themselves between two households over holiday periods, and it can be stressful trying to keep everyone happy. If they have families and children of their own, it can become even more tricky. Unlike cases involving younger children where parents make the decisions, it is usually the adult children themselves who must choose how to organise their time over Christmas.

The message I’ve heard loud and clear is that when you’re flexible about arrangements, or willing to share time, it makes it easier. When you accept your children going to their other parent with a smile, it helps them to enjoy their time with you both without feeling guilty.

5. “When I have special occasions in my life, please put your differences aside so that I can enjoy celebrating with you both”

Although my children were very young when I got divorced, I was acutely aware that one day, I would need to attend a wedding, a graduation, a landmark birthday, a christening – and my ex-partner would be there too. I knew that I wanted my children to feel comfortable that we could all be in the same place together.

All the adult children I have spoken to have said that the most important thing to them is that their parents can put their differences aside for the special days in their lives.

Last month I listened to a divorce lawyer describe – with tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat – how her parents came together for her wedding despite their acrimonious split. She described how on the most important day of her life her parents were able to put her first. They put their pride in her above their feelings about each other.

You have the remote control to your brain, and you can do this, however hard it might seem. Remind yourself that you once loved each other enough to have children. Do your best to find the good in one another rather than expecting the worst. It might not always be easy, but your children will thank you for it.

However old your children are, you are always going to be their parent, and they will always look to you to lead by example. Show them that despite your divorce, you’re there for them when it matters.

How to help your adult children during your divorce

Navigating divorce while maintaining strong family bonds is challenging, but understanding your children's perspective can make all the difference. At amicable, we specialise in putting families first during divorce and separation. Whether you're unsure how to put your children first while co-parenting or have a specific disagreement you’d like to resolve as co-parents, our tools and guidance are here to help.

Co-parenting adult children FAQs

How does being a child of divorce affect you as an adult?

Being an adult child of divorce can have many lasting effects. Some may find that it influences their perspectives on relationships, commitment and trust. It may cause feelings of uncertainty about starting a family of their own or a fear of repeating their parents' experiences in their relationships. However, not all effects are negative. Many adult children of divorce learn resilience, adaptability, selflessness and the importance of open communication. If parents can reduce conflict and prioritise their children’s needs during their separation or divorce, the long-term impacts are often more positive than negative.

Does divorce hurt adult children?

Yes, divorce can have an emotional impact on adult children. While they may have a more mature understanding of the issues involved, the experience can still cause a range of emotions, including sadness, confusion and even a sense of loss. For many adult children of divorce, their parents' separation may challenge their sense of stability and family identity, even if they are no longer living at home. This impact may be increased by events later down the line, such as the sale of the family home or strained family gatherings.

Is divorce traumatic for adult children?

Divorce can be a source of trauma for adult children, although the degree of trauma varies from person to person. The end of their parents' marriage may challenge their established sense of belonging, unconditional love and security, leading to emotional distress and upheaval.

What should I avoid saying to someone going through a separation?

Avoid making judgments, giving unsolicited advice or sharing negative opinions about their ex-partner. Focus on being a positive and supportive presence in their life, as this will create a sense of peace that will enable you both to move forward. Read our full guide for friends and family of divorcees.