How to tell your children about divorce and separation: seven top tips

There are always good ways of giving upsetting news, like telling your children about your divorce or separation. Preparation on the part of parents makes things a lot easier for kids and starts the co-parenting relationship off on the right foot.

For anyone with kids, this is perhaps the hardest part of separation or divorce. It's a difficult conversation that most people don't know how to have or when is best.

You might feel strongly that now is not the time to tell your children about your divorce, or you might feel that hiding the truth from your kids can't go on much longer. Worst still, you might be at odds with your co-parent who sees things very differently. We know this is tough and we know many of these decisions depend on your specific circumstances.

To help you jump that first hurdle and face the conversation head-on, we've gathered some useful tips and insightful stories from separated parents and experts who have 'been there and done that'. This may help you navigate this tricky part of the process.

Seven top tips for telling children about divorce and separation

Tip 1. Tell your kids what's going on

Usually, it’s best to say something rather than staying silent, but when it comes to telling children about divorce or separation, timing matters.

It's better to tell children once the decision to separate has been made, not when you’re in the early stages of thinking about it. Let them know when something is changing, like spending less time together as a family, putting the house on the market, or one parent moving out.

Action: Agree with your co-parent that this is an important conversation to have and that you will do it together. Prep what you are going to say, how you will answer any questions they ask and plan a time for the talk.

It's usually best to tell them at the beginning of a weekend when you are both potentially around and able to answer their questions.

Tip 2. Know the difference between sad and bad

How you think about a problem impacts how you solve it. The ending of an unhappy marriage is a sad thing, not a bad thing, and what feels bad compared to what is bad are different things.

In the same way, how you go into telling children about divorce and your behaviour following this will determine whether your children will feel short-term distress or suffer long-term damage. This is a key aspect of family change that is within your control.

Action: Try to present what's happening as a change, not the end of the world. Acknowledge the sadness your children express and that the concept of change can be hard to accept.

Meet their emotions without judgement instead of leading them. Stay focused on their concerns. Don't try to dress it up as a good thing.

Tip 3. Keep it short and simple

The key message to convey to your children when telling them about divorce and separation is that you are no longer together as life partners, but you are still together as their parents. The key messages are:

• We love you, and we're sorry our decision is causing you distress
• It's not your fault
• We will both still continue to look after you, but it will be in different houses because we don't get on well enough with each other to want to live in the same house together anymore
• We will still be one family, but we will live in two households

Action: We love parenting expert Sue Atkins’ idea of taking a large sheet of paper and drawing a big circle on it. Divide the circle into pieces of pie and work with the kids to fill in each segment with things that won't change.

This will give your kids a sense of security and keep the changes from overwhelming them. It can make the process of telling kids about divorce a lot easier on everyone as it stops the idea of 'total system breakdown' from entering your child’s mind.

Tip 4. Tell all of your children at the same time

Even if they are very different ages, your children will gain support from each other. No one will feel excluded and there will be no secrets. Everyone will have heard the same thing. You may have to phrase it in different ways for younger children but try and do this at the same time as telling the others.

Action: When planning what to say with your co-parent, take time to consider the children's individual personalities. As parents, you are the experts on your children, and you know their most likely individual reactions, questions, fears and concerns.

Tip 5. Be truthful

Telling the whole truth about a tricky subject is not an easy thing as a separating parent. Kids need to be protected from aspects of the truth that would harm their need to feel safe with both of you, so it’s important to have a joined up approach.

For example, don't blame the other parent for being the instigator of the split as this will cause a child to feel insecure. It will also make you look weak - as if the other parent calls the shots - and this can be tricky when you're co-parenting.

Agree that when telling the children, you have both come to recognise this is the best way forward. Remember, the nitty-gritty of your adult relationship wouldn't be a topic of conversation were you still together, so why should it be now?

Action: When I'm coaching parents and preparing them for these conversations, I use this test:

Before saying something, ask yourself - 'Does this statement give our children some insight into how the divorce will impact their future lives?' If the answer is no, question whether you need to tell them.

As mentioned above, this will be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have to have with your kids. There is no perfect script or guide for how to tell your kids you're getting a divorce. But following these simple steps, you can’t go too off-track from the best possible scenario.

Tip 6. Don't expect perfection

It's ok to be sad when telling children about divorce and separation. Don't worry about being emotional when you tell the children. It’s fine. It’s real and deeply saddening news.

In fact, your own release of emotion may signal to them that it's okay to feel sad and distraught. Bad-mouthing or blaming your ex-partner because you lose control of your sadness, however, is harmful.

Action: If you're worried about your own emotional reaction and holding it together, speak to one of our Specialists or a family consultant to help you prep, practise and deal with your own emotions.

Tip 7. Don't be surprised by their reactions or lack of them

You may get a strong reaction or no reaction from your children when telling them you’re separating or divorcing; everything is normal at this early stage. Try to acknowledge and accept their reactions.

Whether they appear to ignore the news or are confrontational about it, try not to be offended. However they react, they will have heard you, and will be processing what they have heard in their own way and at their own pace. It might only take them a short time to do this, or it might take a very long time – even into their adulthood.

Either way, you should always reach out to them and be open to talking about the separation.

Action: Get some additional emotional support if need be. Children who appear to be cycling through emotions are having a normal response to what is called the ‘grief cycle’. Sometimes, children get stuck in one particular emotion or behaviour – anger is a common one, and bed-wetting can also start to happen more often.

If this is the case, it's best to get some early support from the child's school or a family consultant. It's a tricky balance between being rightly concerned and being overanxious about a completely normal reaction.

If you've already told the children before reading this and you did it differently, don't worry. It's an imperfect world, we all make mistakes, and your kids will be ok.

If you or your ex have said something bitter about the other within earshot of your children, then it’s never too late to apologise and try to fix that. You could say to your child: ‘I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken like that about Mum/Dad. I'm feeling cross with her/him at the moment, but I understand that you don't want to hear that.’

If you have any other tips that might help other parents understand how best to tell children about divorce or separation, please leave a comment below and share your experience.

When should you tell your child you’re getting divorced?

Choosing the right time to tell your child about your divorce or separation is key.

It's generally recommended to inform your child about the divorce as soon as the decision has been made and plans for separation are in place. This helps ensure that your child feels informed and involved in the process.

Delaying the discussion for an extended period can lead to confusion for the child.

How to tell children of different ages about divorce or separation

How to tell young children about divorce or separation

Young children are more likely to be confused about the concept of divorce or separation. As a result, it’s essential to approach the conversation with care.

Start by choosing a quiet, comfortable setting where they feel safe. Make sure you are somewhere private with minimal distractions, with enough time to give the conversation the space it deserves. When sharing the news, use clear and straightforward language that explains what is happening without going into overly complex details.

For example, you might say, 'Mummy and Daddy have decided to live apart, but we both love you very much.' As mentioned above, reassure them that this change is not their fault and that both parents will continue to be there for them.

How to tell older children about divorce or separation

Unlike young children, older children are likely to understand what divorce or separation will mean, but they will still need plenty of emotional support. Inform them of your news by choosing a suitable time to sit down together, ensuring they have your full attention and vice versa.

Explain the reasons for the separation in a way that respects their maturity while still being mindful not to overload them with adult concerns, such as any financial details. Allow time for them to express their feelings and ask questions and try to validate their emotions by telling them that it’s okay to feel upset or confused.

How to tell teenagers about divorce or separation

Teenagers, particularly at the latter end of their teenage years, are typically more emotionally aware and capable of processing complex information. So, treat them with respect and honesty when telling them your news.

Where possible, be direct about the situation, acknowledging the complexities of adult relationships while avoiding placing blame.

Bear in mind that teenagers may have strong opinions and emotions, so encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings during the conversation. Listen to what they say and make them feel heard. Be prepared for a range of reactions, from anger to sadness or even indifference – this may change with time as the news sinks in.

Telling children about divorce and separation FAQs

What is the best and worst age for divorce for children?

The impact of divorce on children can vary depending on lots of factors, and it's important to note that there is no universal best or worst age for divorce for children. Each child's experience is unique, and the effects of divorce can be influenced by a range of factors, including their individual temperament, family dynamics and the level of conflict or cooperation between the parents.

Is co-parenting or parallel parenting the most effective method?

The timing of when to tell your child about your impending divorce can be a crucial consideration. It's generally recommended to inform your child about the divorce as soon as the decision has been made and plans for separation are certain. Delaying the discussion for an extended period can lead to confusion for the child.

Is co-parenting or parallel parenting the most effective method?

Ultimately, the best approach will depend on the unique dynamics of your family. For some parents, parallel parenting will be more effective than co-parenting, particularly if communication is strained. You can find out more about different types of parenting styles on our blog.

Explore our co-parenting resources

At amicable, we offer a comprehensive selection of resources to help you navigate the challenges of co-parenting.

Whether you need guidance on creating a parenting plan, managing communication with your ex-partner or seeking legal advice, our tools and expert tips are here to support you every step of the way.

If you’d like to speak to an expert, reach out to our Separation Specialists for a free 15-minute advice call to learn more about how we can help you.