How to separate when you're not so amicable

Our diagram shows the journey people go through when a major life change happens. The instigator of the separation is usually ahead on this path. This means they have had more time to get used to the idea of separating and have started considering alternatives and solutions.

The person who didn’t make the initial decision to separate is in a different place. They are still feeling raw emotions like shock, denial and anger. In this state, they will find it impossible to make agreements. The more the instigator gets impatient, the more their partner digs their heels in and things grind to a halt.

Rushing the other person can introduce unnecessary tension and conflict, creating conditions where separating amicably is more difficult or impossible.

It’s not safe to be amicable

Here are some typical situations when working together may not be a safe option. If any of these situations apply to you, it’s important you get the best possible advice before moving forward. Your safety and the safety of any children is the most important consideration.

We’ve included organisations that can help you understand the safest next steps to protect you and your family. They will be able to tell you if being amicable is still an option.

Domestic abuse

There are many organisations that can help you. Contact Refuge or Men's Advice Line through their website or call Women’s Aid on 0808 2000 247 for advice on what to do next.

You are entitled to legal aid if you are being domestically abused. The GOV.UK website explains where to get help and what situations qualify for legal aid.
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You should search for a solicitor who is legal aid registered and they will explain how they can help you access a free divorce. Search the Resolution database or Court Nav for assistance in obtaining legal aid advice specialising in Domestic Abuse.

Economic & financial abuse

Here are two organisations that can help you with financial and economic abuse:

Listen to this podcast for advice and guidance around financial and economic abuse.

Hiding or moving money (or other assets)

If you suspect your ex-partner is hiding or moving assets you will need a solicitor. You can find a solicitor by using the Resolution database.

I don’t think we can separate amicably

Being amicable isn’t a black and white issue; it’s often about degrees and timing. If things have ended badly or dramatically then it’s going to feel hard to be amicable right away, but once the dust has settled it might still be the better option, especially if you have children together.

Being amicable doesn’t mean you have to be best friends or that you must agree to anything your partner wants in order to keep the peace. You can still have robust discussions and have different points of view. Ultimately you need to be able to see things from the other persons perspective and not want to punish them or make them pay for ending the relationship.

Sometimes despite their best intentions, our friends and family can make it harder for us to work with our ex to sort out money, property, and childcare. Try to block out the unhelpful noise. Be careful about the details and information you share and resist the temptation to bad mouth your ex to friends and family – it usually just makes working together harder and leaves you with fewer options.

Why should we separate amicably?

Going through a non-amicable separation is expensive. If you end up needing to instruct separate solicitors or go through lengthy court proceedings you will spend thousands of pounds unnecessarily. It may also impact your mental health, which can affect your career and your ability to parent effectively.

In the professional help section, we look at the different individuals and organisations who can help you through your separation, depending on your degree of amicability.

Professional help

There are lots of options when it comes to choosing your professional help.

amicable

We’re an online legal service that can help with all aspects of your separation. As negotiation specialists, we can help you reach a fair financial agreement and make child arrangements. We're more affordable than using solicitors and mediation because our fees are fixed, include VAT and are shared between you both.

Mediation

A mediator is an independent, trained professional that helps you and your partner to work out agreements for children or finances. You need to be aware that you'll need to go elsewhere to get the legal side of separating sorted. If you already have an agreement, you can use amicable to prepare the legal forms such as the consent order.

Solicitors

A solicitor can manage the legal process of divorce as well as any financial and childcare issues too. This option is most relevant where there are danger signs, and you need your own legal protection. For example, domestic violence, one person hiding /moving assets.

Arbitration

Family arbitration is a process where you and your partner appoint a fair and impartial legal specialist, called an arbitrator to make decisions about all or part of your financial and children’s arrangements when you separate or divorce.

Court

Going to court should be the last resort, but sometimes it's unavoidable. Going to court is usually the most expensive, acrimonious and drawn-out option. It's estimated that the legal cost of going to court is around £40k per person in London and £13k per person outside of London. It can take approximately two years or more at times to finalise things through the court.

Parenting apart when we’re not amicable

Are you in danger?

Going through a separation is challenging and can impact your mental health and wellbeing. These organisations can help you if you’re in danger.

Samaritans

dial 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258

YoungMinds Crisis Messenger

for people under 19

Is your life in danger?

dial 999

Outside of the UK?

Search for help here

We’re not so amicable