10 Tips for dating after divorce or separation

If you feel ready to move on, knowing where to start with the dating journey can feel a little intimidating.

In this blog, we’ll explore the ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ of dating after divorce or separation. We’ll explore post-divorce dating if you have children, and if you don’t have kids.

Dating after divorce if you don’t have children

Dating after a separation, especially a divorce, can be a daunting experience. Especially if it’s been a long time since you were last on the dating scene. However, it can also be an exciting opportunity to meet new people and start a new chapter in your life. Here are some of our top tips to help you begin a new:

Tip 1: Take your time

There is no rush to start dating again. Take the time you need to heal from your divorce and get to a place where you feel confident and ready to date.

Tip 2: You won’t know if you don’t try

If you don’t dip your toes in the water, you won’t know what you’re missing. Any anxieties or insecurities you feel won’t go away unless you're willing to meet new people. Often, they’re unfounded, and when you put yourself out there, you’ll realise that everyone has things they’re nervous about when it comes to dating.

Tip 3: Safety first

This might seem obvious, but if you’re meeting someone for the first time, and you’ve met them through an app or social media platform, remember to tell a friend or loved one where you are and your plans for the evening. It might be nerve-wracking to tell a friend that you're going on a date, especially if they knew your ex. But your personal safety is the most important thing. If you feel unsafe at any point, leave. Tell your friend when you’re home and this can also be a good excuse if you want a chance to debrief after the date.

Tip 4: Treat the date like you’re meeting a friend

The great thing about dating is whether the date turns into a new relationship. It's a wonderful chance to meet interesting new people and share exciting experiences. If you feel nervous about the prospect of intimate interactions, treating the date like meeting a friend will reduce this.

Tip 5: Don't compare the people you date with your ex

It can be easy to compare everyone you date after your divorce with your ex, and whilst it’s useful to learn from your previous relationship, being overly critical can lead to no one quite fitting the bill. After all, everyone is unique, so trying to shoe-horn a new person into your ex's shoes will likely lead to disappointment. To enable the possibility of new relationships, you must be willing to be flexible.

If you’re looking for a different way to learn about dating after divorce, podcast or video format can be a great way to learn something new whilst getting on with your day-to-day activities. Listen to this episode of the podcast where Kate Daly, Co-Founder of amicable, was joined by Laura Friedman Williams and James Preece to discuss sex and dating post-divorce:

Dating after divorce if you have children

If you have kids, dating after separation can feel impossible. You not only have to navigate your own feelings and needs, but also those of your children. There are also practical things to consider, like organising a babysitter or fitting a date into your shared-care arrangement if you’re co-parenting. So, here’s some advice to help if you feel like you’re in this situation:

Tip 1: Consider your children's feelings

Your children may have mixed emotions about you dating again, so be sensitive to their feelings and make an age-appropriate decision about whether they should be told and at what stage. For example, if you have a toddler and a shared-care schedule, being able to date again post-separation discreetly, is more possible than if you have an older teenager who has more flexibility.

Tip 2: Your child is not your friend

Being open and honest with your children is important, but there should be a clear difference between how you talk to them about moving on after separation versus one of your friends. If you feel it’s appropriate to talk to your children about the fact you’re dating, don’t overshare, only tell them what you feel they need to know and give them an opportunity to digest the information and ask any questions they may have.

Tip 3: Introduce your new partner slowly

When you do start dating someone, it's important to introduce them to your children slowly and carefully. Give your children time to get to know your new partner and make sure they are comfortable with the situation. We’ve written a blog on this topic which you can read here.

Tip 4: Set boundaries

Make sure to set clear boundaries for your children, and your new partner, such as when and how much time they will be spending with each other. This will help ensure that your children feel comfortable and secure.

If your children have met your new partner, it’s likely that your ex will know that you’ve started a new relationship. It might be worth telling them directly, so they don’t hear it from someone else.

Tip 5: Use your parenting arrangement to your advantage

If you know your children are with their other parent for the weekend, this is a great opportunity to go on a date. Get creative, do something you can’t normally do when they’re staying with you. A perk of being separated with children is that often you will have a window of time that’s yours.

Treat dating post-divorce as a form of self-care where you’re able to prioritise yourself. It’s true that you’re a parent first, but if you know your children are safe at your ex’s home, you have an opportunity to incorporate some fun into your daily routine by doing an exciting and different experience on a date with someone new.

Remember, dating after divorce with children is a process, and it may take some time to find the right balance. Seek support by talking to friends, family, or a therapist to help you process your feelings during this time.

Valentine’s day

If you've recently separated from your partner, Valentine’s Day can be particularly unhelpful as the world is bombarded with romantic comedies, flowers and couples celebrating.

Valentine’s Day can feel overwhelming, bringing into sharp contrast feelings of loss. If this is you, we’ve already written a blog to help you reframe how you feel about the day with our tips and advice which you can read here.

FAQs

How long after a breakup should you date?

There’s no ‘one-size-fits-all’ answer to this question. The most important tip is to take time to ensure that you’re ready to re-enter the world of dating, which can be especially challenging if you’re coming out of a long marriage or relationship. Prioritise your own wellbeing before stepping back out.

Can you date after filing for divorce?

It is completely up to you when, or if you decide to get back out there and start dating after a separation. It’s worth realising that it can, in some situations, make the divorce process much more difficult as involving someone else in what can already be an emotionally strenuous time in your family’s lives can complicate things on both an emotional and logistical level. For instance, it may cause your partner to dig their feet in and can slow down the process.

Is dating after divorce with kids much more difficult?

Although it might be more difficult when compared to post-divorce dating without children, setting boundaries setting boundaries when children are involved can help ease everyone into this new situation. It’s up to you how and when you introduce a new partner. In general, ensuring that you do it slowly and with compassion can help everyone adjust to a blended family model.