Should you tell your employer about your divorce or separation?

Deciding whether or not to tell your work about your divorce or separation is a personal choice and there’s no right or wrong answer.

Separation can be an emotionally overwhelming time and balancing work responsibilities with changes in your personal life is never easy. Sharing what you’re going through with your employer might feel daunting, but it can also bring some valuable support when you need it the most. Others might decide that it makes them feel too vulnerable, and that’s ok too. We explore both options to help you weigh up the pros and cons.

Why telling your employer about your divorce or separation can be helpful

Telling your employer about your separation isn’t a requirement, but in some situations, it might be helpful. Here are a few reasons why you might consider sharing:

Getting help

Separation can be emotionally draining and it may affect your concentration or productivity. If your employer knows about your separation, they may be more understanding of any temporary changes in your productivity.

This understanding can help reduce your stress and create a supportive work environment where you don’t feel the added pressure of having to hide what you’re going through.

Letting your employer know what you’re going through might mean that they can reallocate tasks or adjust your responsibilities in the short term to help you cope more effectively.

Many workplaces also offer confidential support through HR or employee assistance programs, so telling your employer may open doors to resources you didn’t know were available.

Flexibility

The divorce process can be time-consuming with meetings and legal appointments that often fall within working hours. If your employer is aware of your situation, they may be more open to accommodating schedule changes or granting leave for necessary appointments, which can help you manage everything without added stress.

Many workplaces have policies in place to help employees experiencing difficult life events. This can include flexible working hours, access to counselling services or simply the reassurance that your manager is aware and willing to accommodate your needs.

As your divorce progresses, you may have to consider your children arrangements and care patterns, which may also require flexibility at work. By being open and upfront with your employer, you may be able to access support that can make a significant difference to your wellbeing and day-to-day life.

Why you may want to keep your divorce private

Of course, there are also several reasons why you may not want to tell your employer about your separation, and that’s completely valid too.

Concerns about privacy

One of the main reasons people hesitate to speak about their separation at work is if they want to keep their personal life private. You might worry about unwanted questions or even judgement from co-workers.

If privacy is a concern for you, it’s completely okay to keep this information to yourself. Remember, this is your information to share and you’re entitled to protect your privacy.

Worries about unfair treatment

Unfortunately, there can still be stigma associated with divorce, and you might be worried that telling your employer could lead to a change in how you’re treated at work.

If you work in a highly competitive or unsupportive environment, you may worry that revealing your situation could affect your career progression or lead to negative assumptions about your capabilities. In this case, you may choose to keep your separation to yourself.

Not wanting special treatment

On the other hand, you may be worried about being treated differently if your employer knows about your divorce. You may not want to feel as though you’re receiving special treatment or to be seen as ‘vulnerable’.

If you prefer to handle things on your own or you feel that your divorce isn’t affecting your work performance and you don’t need any flexibility, then keeping your personal circumstances private might feel like the best choice for you.

How to decide whether or not to tell your employer

The choice to tell your workplace about your divorce is completely up to you, and there’s no right or wrong answer. Here are some steps to help guide your decision-making:

1. Assess your work environment

Consider your workplace culture. Is it generally supportive and understanding, or more formal and focused on boundaries? If you feel your workplace is a safe space where colleagues support one another, you might feel more comfortable sharing your situation.

2. Identify your needs

Think about how your divorce might impact your work. If you anticipate needing time off, a more flexible schedule or access to mental health resources, sharing might be beneficial. But, if you don’t need this help, then you might not feel the need to tell your employer about your separation.

3. Consider your comfort level

Trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable sharing or worried about how it might affect others’ perceptions of you, it’s okay to keep it private. Alternatively, if sharing would help relieve some of the pressure you feel, opening up to your employer could be worthwhile.

4. Decide who to tell

If you do decide to share, you don’t need to tell everyone at work. You might choose to tell only your manager or HR rather than your entire team. A conversation with a single trusted colleague might provide the help you need without making you feel too exposed.

Four tips to help you talk to your employer about your separation

If you do decide to tell your employer about your divorce or separation, it’s important to prepare for the conversation to make sure it goes as smoothly as possible.

1. Choose the right time and place

Timing is everything. Choose a quiet time when your manager isn’t under pressure, and make sure you have enough time to discuss things properly without interruptions.

A private space is ideal for these kinds of personal conversations, whether it’s in your manager’s office or a private meeting room.

2. Keep it professional

When you’re talking to your employer, focus on how your situation may affect your work rather than sharing personal details.

For example, you might say, “I’m going through a divorce, which may need some flexibility in my schedule over the next few months. I’ll do my best to ensure my work is up to standard, but I would appreciate your understanding if I need to take time off during working hours for appointments.”

3. Be clear about what you need

When talking to your employer, be as clear as possible about what kind of help you need. Are you looking for flexible hours? Do you need some time off to deal with appointments?

Letting them know specifically how they can help will make it easier for them to support you in the right way.

Remember, you don’t need to go into every detail of your separation. Share what you’re comfortable with and focus on practical needs.

Don’t forget to ask about what resources are available for employees going through personal challenges. Some workplaces offer support services like counselling or assistance programs.

4. Focus on solutions

While it’s okay to share that you’re struggling, try to approach the conversation with a solutions-focused mindset.

For example, if you’re having trouble concentrating at work, you could suggest changes such as working from home for a few days or shifting deadlines. By showing that you’re taking proactive steps to manage both your work and personal life, you’ll help your employer see how they can best help you.

Deciding whether or not to tell your work about your separation is ultimately about finding the right balance for you. If you feel that telling your employer will help reduce your stress levels and improve your work-life balance, then it might be the right choice.

On the other hand, if you feel more comfortable keeping things private and are confident you can manage without extra help, that’s perfectly valid too.

No two divorces are the same, and what works for one person might not work for another.

If you’re going through a divorce or separation and need support with any of the financial, legal or practical parts, our divorce specialists are here to help. Book your free 15-minute advice consultation with one of your experienced specialists to learn the next steps for you.

Your employer and divorce FAQs

Am I legally required to tell my employer about my divorce?

No, you aren’t legally required to tell your employer about your divorce or separation. It’s entirely your choice whether you share this information or not. However, if you feel that it will help you get the support you need at work, it may be worth considering.

How can I ask for flexible working if I’m going through a divorce?

If you need flexible working arrangements, it’s best to be direct and transparent with your employer. Explain your situation and the specific changes you need. For example, adjusting your start and finish times or working from home on certain days. All employees have the legal right to request flexible working from day one of employment. Ask what the process is to request a change in hours/place of work/days working. This can be either a permanent or temporary change.

What if my workplace doesn’t seem supportive?

If you feel that your workplace isn’t supportive, it’s important to look after yourself and get help outside of work. Speak to friends, family or seek professional help from a therapist, coach or counsellor. We’ve partnered with BetterHelp so you can access affordable support that’s right for you.