How to talk about money with your ex-partner – and have productive conversations

Financial conversations with a partner or spouse can be awkward at the best of times. The stress and upset of a divorce can make them a lot more uncomfortable. However, having these conversations – and having them well – is essential, especially if you have money and property to split. Once you’ve come to an agreement about how you’ll divide your assets, you can get this made legally-binding in a consent order.

The good news is, we have plenty of expert tips to help you have productive conversations that don’t end with you rehashing old arguments or storming off in a huff.

7 tips for more productive money conversations with your ex-partner

1. Put money conversations in the diary

Planning to have important discussions in advance gives you both time to prepare your thoughts and opinions. Bringing big topics up on the spot won’t lead to your best ideas or the most balanced discussions.

Set a date for when you want to talk about what you’re going to do with your family home or how you’ll share your investments or pensions – and then stick to it. This will also help prevent procrastination!

2. And avoid having discussions in the heat of the moment

While a planned discussion is your best option, one started in the heat of the moment is your worst. Emotional conversations can quickly spiral into frustration and blame. Sit down to talk about money when you have enough time and headspace to give the discussion your best shot.

You’re more likely to make decisions that you’re both happy with if you do this. And it avoids damaging the relationship you still have.

3. Be honest

This is really important – full transparency encourages trust. Building trust during this key part of your divorce process will help you both cope emotionally throughout – and might even speed things up.

If you think your partner is hiding something, try not to jump to conclusions and assume they’re doing so maliciously. Be direct but patient and give them a couple of opportunities to explain their full financial situation to you.

4. Approach conversations with understanding and empathy

Aggression, anger and criticism will only make your partner defensive. You’re unlikely to have a productive conversation if you lead with a criticism of their investment choices or financial planning. The EAR technique, which stands for empathy, attention and respect, can help keep your conversations on track.

5. Set a goal for each discussion

If you have a lot to discuss, make sure you break down your financial split conversations into manageable chunks. Tired brains are more likely to be emotional. Identify what you want to achieve with your discussion before you start. This will give your conversation focus too.

6. Get expert negotiation support

Some couples can agree how to split their money and property between themselves, but many will get expert support to help them resolve disagreements and make sure they’ve considered all their options and identified the best outcome for everyone. Mediation is one option, but amicable offers a more comprehensive couples negotiation service.

You can learn more about the difference between mediation and amicable negotiation services on our blog.

Did you know that a divorce itself won’t make your financial agreement legally binding? For this, you’ll need a consent order. Read about who should get a consent order in our blog.

7. Consider stress-testing your agreement

Coming to a financial agreement during divorce or separation might need some number-crunching – depending on how many assets you own and need to split between you.

To give yourselves peace of mind, consider getting your maths checked by a money expert.

Having a solid financial plan will give you an accurate visual forecast of your finances. This in turn will give you clarity and help you divide things fairly. It also ensures you stay on track with all of your money goals moving forward, both for ‘present you’ and ‘future you’.

Divorce and separation can be costly for couples, emotionally and financially. But it doesn’t have to derail the plans and dreams you have for the rest of your life. With a good financial plan in place, you’ll still be able to achieve all the things you want to, just with a small detour along the way.

This is where a financial expert from Octopus Money can help. They offer friendly one-to-one support and advice. Book a free session to see how they can help.