How does an affair impact divorce?

Betrayal, especially in the form of an affair, can be one of the most painful experiences during a relationship breakdown. It often leaves you feeling confused, angry and heartbroken.

Sadly, betrayal is something many people experience. While it can feel deeply personal and painful, it doesn’t have to stop you from having a calm, respectful and fair separation. With the right help, it’s possible to move forward in a positive way.

Emotional impacts of betrayal on both partners

Whether you were the one betrayed, or the one who had an affair, the emotions can feel very overwhelming.

If you were betrayed, it’s common to feel grief, rage, shock, shame or even numbness.

The loss of trust can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you. You might be questioning your self-worth, your judgement, or your entire relationship history.

You may even feel like you can’t trust anyone anymore. These emotions can make the divorce process feel even harder, filled with pain and complexity.

If you were the one who had the affair, guilt and shame are often the major emotional hurdles.

Even if the relationship was already struggling, being the one who 'broke the rules' can lead to self-blame, anxiety and sadness, especially if there are children involved.

Many people in this position want to ‘make it up’ to their ex, by giving away more money or agreeing to things they shouldn’t, just to keep the peace. This can sometimes be at the cost of their own financial wellbeing or legal clarity.

For the person who has had the affair, they can often be defensive and impatient to move on. It could be that they have felt emotionally distant or ‘checked out’ of the relationship for quite some time - and are ready to move on with someone new.

It can put a lot of strain on your separation, especially as the person who has had the affair can feel they have not done anything wrong.

Regardless of which position you’re in, your challenge now is in separating the personal hurt from the practical decisions you need to make.

Strong emotions can make it tough to make clear and fair choices during your divorce. That’s why it’s important to take a step back and focus on the practical things, like making good plans for your children or working out your finances properly.

If emotions take over, it can lead to arguments, delays, and decisions that don’t help you or your family in the long run.

No matter how you feel right now, you can find support to help you move forward. You can book a free 15 minute consultation with a divorce specialist to get that help and discover the best way forward for your situation.

The financial impact of betrayal

When betrayal has happened, it can make talking about money really difficult. Emotions like guilt and anger can creep into financial conversations and make things feel even more tense.

If you’ve been betrayed, you might feel like you want to 'get back' at your ex by asking for more money or assets. Many people who’ve gone through a partner’s affair find it hard to make changes that might seem to make things easier for the person who cheated. When you didn’t want or expect the betrayal, it can feel natural to place blame on the other person.

And if you were the one who had the affair, you might feel so guilty that you agree to things financially that may not be fair, or within the bounds of the law - just to make the situation feel better.

These reactions are totally human, but they can lead to choices that may not be helpful in the long run.

It’s really important to know that, in England and Wales, the reason your relationship ended, whether it involved betrayal or not, doesn’t affect your financial settlement.

The law doesn’t look at who was at fault. Instead, it looks at what both people need to move on and take care of their children, if they have them.

This is why we always encourage a collaborative approach at amicable. We help you focus on making calm, clear-headed decisions that put fairness and your children first. It’s not always easy, especially when feelings are raw, but it’s the best way to protect your wellbeing and your finances.

By working together, you avoid long legal battles, which can get expensive very quickly. Instead, you can use that time, energy and money to build a new, more positive future for your family.

Even if it feels difficult right now, choosing to cooperate and communicate can lead to better outcomes for everyone, especially your children. You’ll be setting the tone for how you move forward, and showing your children that respect and teamwork are still possible, even after something as tough as betrayal.

If you want to see what an amicable approach to your divorce would look like, you can book a free consultation with one of our divorce specialists.

How betrayal affects the legal process

In legal terms, when betrayal happens in a relationship, it doesn’t affect the outcome of your divorce settlement.

In England and Wales, the law doesn’t take betrayal, like an affair, into account when making decisions about your divorce.

Since 2022, we’ve had a no-fault divorce system. That means you don’t need to give a reason or prove blame to get divorced. The law focuses on what’s fair for both people, and what’s needed to support any children involved. It doesn’t look at who was 'right' or 'wrong' in the relationship.

We know this might feel unfair if you’re the person who was hurt. But this way of doing things helps keep the divorce process calmer, quicker and less expensive. It means you’re not stuck in long legal arguments trying to prove what happened, which often leads to more stress and higher legal fees.

Instead, you can focus on building a fair and practical plan for the future. At amicable, we help couples move away from blame and towards solutions that work for both sides, especially when children are involved.

It’s about moving on with dignity, and creating a better path forward, even after something as painful as betrayal. Talking with one of our Divorce Specialists can help you map out what the best solution for you looks like.

Navigating your divorce when there was an affair

If betrayal is involved in your separation, here are some tips to help you move forward:

1. Give yourself space to grieve

Whether you’re feeling heartbreak, guilt, anger or confusion, all of your feelings are valid.

Betrayal is a form of emotional trauma, and it's normal to grieve not just the end of your marriage, but the loss of the trust you thought you had.

Allowing yourself to feel and process these emotions is the first step toward healing.

2. Speak to someone you trust

Talking to a therapist, counsellor, or someone close to you can help. Sharing your thoughts with someone who isn’t directly involved can give you perspective and help you feel more in control.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your ex, speaking to one of amicable’s Divorce Specialists or booking a joint advice session can help keep conversations constructive and focused.

3. Keep emotions out of big decisions

​​When emotions are high, it can be tempting to make quick decisions about money or parenting. But it’s important to take a step back and think about what’s really best in the long run.

Remember, the law doesn’t look at who was to blame. Instead, it focuses on what’s fair for both of you and what’s best for your children. Try to think clearly and practically about what you and your family need to move forward.

4. Protect your children from adult issues

Children don’t need to know all the details of what happened. Talking negatively about your ex in front of them, even if you’re feeling upset, can affect their wellbeing.

Focus on giving your children love, routine and stability. Keep conversations with your ex about the kids and be respectful and clear.

amicable’s co-parenting app can help you manage this to keep your communication positive and practical.

5. Focus on your future, not just the past

It’s natural to look back when betrayal has happened, wondering what went wrong or replaying events in your head. But staying stuck in the past can make it harder to make thoughtful decisions about what comes next.

Try shifting your focus to the future. Think about the life you want to build, the stability you want for your children and the kind of co-parenting relationship you want to have. Keeping your goals in mind can help you make clearer, more balanced choices even when emotions are running high.

Moving forward

Divorce after betrayal can feel like one of the hardest things to go through. But it doesn’t have to define what comes next.

With the right help and a kind approach, you can make it through this with strength and clarity. At amicable, we help couples have a fair and respectful separation without going back and forth over the past.

If you’re not sure where to start, book a free 15-minute chat with one of our Specialists. We’re here to help you take the next step, whatever that may be.

You might find one of our YouTube videos about how to process your emotions during your separaion useful. It’s particularly difficult to navigate conversations with your ex-partner after betrayal, but you can work towards an amicable outcome if you are able to look after yourself and focus on the practicalities, when you’re ready.

FAQs

Can an affair change how finances are split in a divorce?

No, there are no links between having an affair and your financial agreement in a divorce. This means that even if an affair happened, it won’t impact how your money or property is shared. Instead, the focus is on what’s fair for both of you and what’s needed to support your children, if you have them.

Should I tell the children about the affair?

In most cases, no. Children don’t need to know the reasons behind your separation. The most important thing is to make sure they feel loved and secure. Try to avoid placing blame or talking negatively about your ex in front of them. What they need to hear is that both their parents love them and will continue to care for them.

How can I stay calm when emotions are running high?

Strong emotions are completely normal during a divorce, especially when betrayal is involved. But reacting in the heat of the moment can make things harder. Try to take a pause when things feel overwhelming. Journaling, breathing exercises or speaking to a counsellor can help you feel more grounded. Staying calm helps you make better decisions for your future.

Can we still divorce amicably if there’s been an affair?

Yes. While it might feel impossible right now, many couples do manage to separate kindly and respectfully, even after betrayal. It starts by shifting the focus away from blame and towards the future. amicable helps guide you through this, with services that help both your emotional and practical needs. You can book a free 15 minute consultation with one of our divorce specialists today. Keeping things cooperative can protect your wellbeing and make the process much smoother, especially if you have children.