Nine tips for planning a wedding with divorced parents

Weddings, like other special occasions, can test family relationships. But the addition of having divorced or separated parents can put extra pressure on you and your partner as the key decision-makers.

Your parents’ divorce may have happened years ago. They may be on speaking terms, or they may not have had any communication for years. Either way, one or both of your parents may now have a new partner, which can also have its challenges.

On the other hand, you may be managing more raw emotions if your parents’ divorce or separation was more recent. Considering your parents’ feelings on your wedding day can be extra stressful if this is the case.

Whatever your personal circumstances, these tips should help. Most importantly, remember that you’re not alone and there’s lots that you can do to make the planning process the happy, exciting time you expected your engagement to be.

How to plan your wedding with divorced or separated parents

Whether you have a long or short engagement – or want a big or small celebration – here’s a handy checklist to help you plan the wedding of your dreams as a child of divorce.

1. Decide what kind of wedding is right for you

While big marquee weddings are still popular, more and more people are opting for smaller venues and more intimate celebrations. Not only does it save money, it can also take away some of the pressures of tradition.

Eloping is also an option that’s worth considering before you jump into your wedding prep. Historically, an elopement is a ceremony attended by only you and your fiancé, but these days some people choose to invite a few important guests. An elopement allows you to focus on your love for each other. It’s often very budget-friendly and far less stressful.

You don’t have to choose the wedding that your parents or friends expect. Choose what’s right for you and your circumstances right now.

2. Share your vision with your loved ones

Most people will have always imagined both parents being present on their wedding day, but if this is the case, it’s really important that you communicate this to them as early as possible. This gives them time to process the news and prepare emotionally for your big day.

Don’t expect your request to be accepted without challenge – one or both of your parents may struggle to imagine the reality of spending this important day with their ex-partner. Try not to get into in-depth discussions or debates in the heat of the moment. Repeat your request as directly as you can and then let it settle. Your parents would likely not miss your wedding for the world – they just need time to adjust to the idea of what it will look like.

3. Think about plus ones

Your Mum or Dad may have a new husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. Remember, it’s your and your fiancé's decision whether they are invited or not. Is it important to you that they are all present on the day? Or will this cause potential problems? The main thing is to make your decisions early on and let everyone know your choices.

Some parents, family members or friends may try to invite extra plus ones or guests. Maybe your Mum or Dad’s new partner has children of their own? If this doesn’t sit well with you and they weren’t on your original guest list, it’s ok to say no. Not only do you likely have a budget to stick to, but you also have to consider how any extra guests will make you feel on the day.

4. Define special roles

Once you’ve sorted out who’ll be there on the day, it’s also important to let your parents and any step-parents know if they will play a specific role.

There are many traditions when it comes to weddings, but people are increasingly choosing different ways of doing things. For example, if you’re the bride, you could walk up the aisle on your own or with your siblings. Traditions aren’t necessarily rules – likewise, you can choose any of your guests to give readings or speeches.

Don’t rush these decisions but make sure you communicate your choices clearly to all parents and step-parents and anyone else involved in order to manage expectations.

5. Plan to have a small, pre-wedding gathering

Depending on how you’re getting married, you may have a rehearsal or smaller-scale event in the run-up to your main wedding day. This could help ease your nerves – and your parents – if you’re worried about how people will get on. This can be especially helpful if your parent’s new partners haven’t met other parts of your family before.

You may not have a rehearsal planned and can’t bear the thought of organising something extra on top of your wedding day – that’s ok. If you do want to take the pressure off any potentially awkward or tense interactions on your big day, keep your pre-wedding gathering low-key and low effort, such as a meal at a restaurant or group walk and coffee.

6. Spend time on your seating plan

Think about the seating plan if you’re having a sit-down celebration – do you want a top table with your parents? Or would a less traditional table plan work better, perhaps with long banquet-style tables? Depending on how your wider family has been affected by your parents’ divorce, think about where you will seat your extended family members too.

There may be some difficult decisions to make. Don’t be afraid to ask a few select relatives for their input. But don’t get too many opinions, as this can make it harder for you.

If you know that one of your parents or their new partners is particularly sensitive about where they sit, you could show them where they’ll be seated in advance, but try to present it as a decision already made rather than something that’s up for discussion. This should help avoid any high emotions, drama or tension on the day.

7. Consider what family photos you’d like

Your photographer will likely ask what formal group photos you’d like them to take on the day – if they don’t, have a think and give them a list beforehand so no-one is missed.

Often, these lists include various group family shots. It’s important that you put yourself first when considering this question – you may regret not having a photo of you with both your parents on your wedding day if that’s what you want. On the other hand, there’s no pressure to do this if you’d rather have separate photos with each of them.

Consider what lasting memories you’d like and then let anyone know that may appreciate advance warning.

8. Remember it's your special day

Empathising with your separated parents and other members of your family is important, but remember that it’s your wedding and not theirs. Think about setting boundaries with friends or relatives during the planning stages and on the day. For example, if a parent or step-parent is keen to help out in some way, you may want to give them a distinct task but explain that you’ve got everything else covered.

And don’t forget to lean on members of your bridal/groom’s party on the day. Your best friends should be your eyes and ears on the big day and they – with some prior guidance – can help diffuse any tensions before they build up.

9. Look forward to it!

Your parents will likely want to make this day memorable for all the right reasons. Remember that they’re adults and they’ll want to put any differences aside to be there for you as you plan your wedding. This is such an exciting time for you and your fiancé.

A rollercoaster of emotions in the run-up to your wedding is normal. Reassure yourself that you’ve done everything you can to look out for your parents. The only thing left to do now is look forward to getting married!