Five questions to ask yourself before you separate or divorce

Being in the right emotional place is fundamental to having an amicable divorce. If you're not sure if you truly want to end your marriage or not, we've put together five simple questions that can help you understand if you're ready for divorce.

Perhaps the idea of ever being truly ready to divorce feels impossible. After all, it's a big change. Many people end up dealing with relationship breakdown by simply shutting off their feelings, ignoring what's happening, or pretending that everything is fine, so they don't have to face up to the fact that things needs to change.

Working towards being ready for divorce can help you get into the right mindset, and enable you and your partner to reach fairer agreements, reduce the time it takes to get your divorce finalised, and make you both much happier.

Questions to ask yourself before getting divorced:

1. Do I believe that the relationship can be improved, or that reasonable options for reconciliation have been attempted?

This is an important question to start with. If you believe the relationship can be fixed, and want to try, you probably don't want to get divorced. You can talk to your partner, list your concerns, and work together on a solution. Improving communication, building trust, and making time for each other are all great ways of strengthening a relationship.

However, if you've tried everything you can to repair things, including professional help like couples counselling, but nothing has worked: divorce might be an option to consider.

2. Is my overall happiness and wellbeing likely to improve if I live separately from my partner?

Spending some time apart can sometimes help a relationship, giving you the space to get some perspective, and appreciate your partner more. Of course, you might realise that you simply enjoy yourself more when they aren't around, which might be a sign that things need to end.

3. Would I be prepared to stay in the relationship as it is now, if no changes were possible?

If you come to the realisation that you couldn't stay in the relationship if nothing were to change, it's clear that change is urgently needed, or that you'll have to separate.

At this stage, change might still be possible, so you may want to discuss this with your partner and give them the chance to make adjustments. However, if you've given them plenty of chances and nothing has happened, it might be time to leave.

4. Do I feel as though I am staying in the relationship to avoid fear of the unknown?

This is a difficult question to think about. Many people don't want to admit that they have stayed in a relationship, maybe for years, just to avoid the unknown.

This isn't surprising, even relationships that aren't particularly fulfilling or exciting are often still safe and predictable. That is something we all look for, and are all scared of losing.

But if you know that you're only staying because of fear, instead of love, you owe it to yourself to end the relationship and look for something new. Sometimes the scary choices are the most rewarding, and can have a hugely positive impact on our lives.

5. Have I considered the financial and practical implications of separation?

Getting divorced isn't just about ending your marriage, it will change your life in several major ways. You'll need to get everything legally sorted, you may need to move home, and your financial situation might change. Even if you now know you absolutely want to get divorced, you should consider the impact it will have on your life, and make arrangements so it's easier to manage.

If you've considered all these questions, and you believe there is no chance for reconciliation, that you'd be happier living separately, you can't stay in the relationship as it is, you're not truly in love, and you're able to deal with all the changes divorce will bring, you're likely as ready for divorce as you can be.

If you’re not ready to move on, but want someone to talk to about your options, contact us for support to get emotionally prepared. If you have any questions or would like some support, please book a free 15-minute call with one of our experts.

We have more advice around preparing for divorce: learn how to manage your mental health during a divorce, or read about how to tell your friends and family about the divorce.