Managing a divorce with neurodiversity

Going through a divorce can be an immense challenge, but going through it as a family where there is neurodiversity can add many additional layers of complexity.

What is 'neurodiversity'?

"Neurodiversity used to describe differences in the way brains work."

The main conditions that come under this umbrella term are Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). But other difficulties such as dyspraxia, dyslexia and dyscalculia are also part of the neurodiverse category. Neurotypicals are those who are not considered to have any of these difficulties.

Neurodiverse characteristics:

Having a neurodiversity means different things to different people. For some, their neurodiverse characteristics will be very mild while for others it can be a significant impairment, and how their neurodiversity feels can be influenced by the context and culture they live in. But in general neurodiversity impacts on the way someone sees the world, thinks about things and relates to others. Because of these differences, it can be quite stressful living in a world designed around neurotypical people. Unsurprisingly, there are higher levels of anxiety and depression in people with neurodiversity.

Neurodiversity in children & divorce

We know that children find divorce stressful, mainly because of the conflict, absence of a parent and the number of changes they have to deal with. Going through all of this as a child with neurodiversity can make each one of these factors feel even bigger, and means parents have to figure out ways to manage this increased stress. For example, being a parent of a child with ASD involves creating consistent, clear routines and plenty of rituals to help your child get through the day (such as eating at certain times and minimising surprises). This is much harder to do across two households especially when there is potentially a lot of acrimony between parents. At times of stress, neurodiverse characteristics are heightened, so the need for routine and predictability becomes even more important but are often much harder to put into place.

It is thought that there is a genetic basis for neurodiversity (though it’s still not clear how much or what the mechanisms of this are) so there is a chance that a neurodiverse child has a neurodiverse parent. Negotiating the complexities of a divorce with a neurodiverse ex-partner, or with a neurodiversity yourself, can be challenging. The need for sameness and the potential difficulties in thinking about other people’s perspectives can make the divorce process even more confusing and confronting.

Knowledge about neurodiversity and awareness of how we can adjust to the needs of someone with neurodiversity is an essential part of our work with divorcing families. With OnlyMumsDads I am running a one-hour session titled ‘Neurodiversity – What does it mean?’ on September 11th 2024 at 1pm. For more details and to book please click here.