10+ co-parenting dos and don'ts with practical examples

A divorce or separation can be a difficult time for everyone, including your children and other family members. But remember, while you are no longer together, you are of course still parents. And you can definitely still be the supportive, reliable and compassionate parent you were before.

As new co-parents, try to put aside your differences and focus on the long-term wellbeing of your children. Successful co-parenting can provide stability and security for your children, raising them to be happy, confident and resilient – despite parents living apart.

Co-parenting amicably alongside your ex will also allow your children to enjoy a close relationship with both of you. Co-parenting can be challenging at times, but it is well worth it…

Co-parenting benefits for your children

Through your new co-parenting partnership, your children will learn that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage or relationship. Over time, they will come to understand that your love for them is unconditional – despite the changing circumstances – as you always have their best interests at heart.

There are a number of benefits for children if separated parents have a cooperative relationship. This will help them:

• Feel secure. When a child is confident that both of their parents love them, they adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and everyone’s new living circumstances. As a result, they have better self-esteem and self-confidence.
• Benefit from consistency. Having common ground for rules around bedtimes, technology and homework means your children know what to expect and what’s expected of them. This will help them feel more at ease and cause less stress and disruption.
• Learn effective problem-solving. Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to calmly solve problems for themselves.
• Follow a healthy example. By cooperating with their other parent, you are establishing a blueprint for your children that they can carry into the future to build and maintain strong relationships for themselves. You are a role model in everything that you do and say – this is your opportunity to be a positive one.
• Be less stressed and anxious. Children exposed to high levels of conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. An amicable co-parenting relationship can reduce this risk and boost your children’s everyday mood and long-term wellbeing.

How to make co-parenting work

The key to successful co-parenting is separating your past, personal relationship with your ex, from your current, co-parenting relationship. This is difficult but important.

It may help to think of your current relationship as a more business-like relationship. Others prefer to think about it as a completely new relationship – one that is entirely about the wellbeing of your children and not about either of you.

One simple tip is to put a photograph of your kids on the table or beside you when you are speaking to your ex about arrangements or events. It will help you focus on what’s important in the conversation and stop you from falling into unhelpful thought patterns of blame, anger or resentment. Your marriage or relationship may be over, but your family is not – acting in your children’s best interest is your most important priority.

The first step to being a successful, dependable co-parent is to always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.

Co-parenting dos

Tip 1. Aim to be flexible

It benefits everyone to be flexible. Pick-up and drop-off times can be a source of stress and anxiety for children, so aim to remain upbeat if things change at the last minute. And try not to criticise your ex in front of your children, no matter what you’re thinking inside!

Also, your co-parenting plans will need to adapt as your child grows up and their needs and circumstances change – for example, when they start secondary school or become more sociable and independent as a teenager.

Tip 2. Try to accept different parenting styles

Your former partner’s parenting style might change without you around, or it may have been a source of conflict before. This might take some getting used to, especially if your former partner has different values or beliefs.

Both co-parents would stick to a set of common ground rules in an ideal world, providing your children with a consistent lifestyle wherever they. But we know that this isn’t always possible.

Take the longer-term view. They may eat popcorn and stay up too late on Fridays at your ex’s, but during their time with you, they go to bed on time, eat their broccoli and do their homework. Try not to sweat the small stuff.

Plus, there can be advantages to this. As long as your child is safe and secure, different parenting approaches and styles can help your child learn that different rules apply in different situations.

Tip 3. Help your child feel connected and bonded to their other parent

If it’s not too upsetting for you, you could keep a framed photo of your family, or a photo of your child with your ex, in your child’s bedroom. You may have parted ways, but they may well miss their other parent and appreciate a photo of them.

Try to be positive about what your child is doing when they are at their other parent’s house.For example: ‘Wow, that looks like a great garden. What a fun weekend you’ve had building a den!’

Encourage your child to send WhatsApp messages, texts or emails or make phone calls to their other parent when they are with you. Even if your child’s other parent lives close by, it’s good for your child to be in regular contact with them. It helps keep both parental relationships easy, relaxed and natural.

Tip 4. Keep your former partner in the loop

Your child will benefit when their other parent knows what’s going on for them. You and your former partner could keep each other up to date by using a shared online calendar or app that lists your child’s weekly schedule, plus any special events. It shows respect for the other parent too.

Contact your child’s school to make sure your former partner gets duplicates of school records and newsletters, so there are no misunderstandings or accusations later down the line.

Tip 5. Share tasks, activities and events

You might want your former partner to be involved in or take responsibility for tasks like doctor or dentist visits or school outings. If you’re on good terms, you could plan to go to activities like parent-teacher interviews or school concerts together.

If you’re not able to go together, you’ll need to plan who’s going to which event or how you’ll handle it if you’re both there.

Tip 6. Give your ex-partner some time to learn the ropes

If you did most of the day-to-day caring for your children before your separation, your former partner might take a little time to learn about the practical side of caring for your children. It can be tempting to make fun of them or be critical, but pointing out the positives is much better for everyone.

Tip 7. Be prepared for your negative feelings

When your child is with their other parent, you might feel a sense of loss, loneliness, disappointment or even anger. It can help if you try to look at the positive side. For example, time apart from your child can give you a chance to rest, relax and pursue your personal relationships, hobbies or interests. Never make your child feel guilty or responsible for your happiness, as that puts an unfair amount of much pressure on them.

Make plans for when your child is away. You could arrange to do some exercise, see friends for a meal, visit family, watch a film or take a long hot bath with a good book.

Tip 8. Create a parenting plan

A parenting plan will help you agree in advance on the kind of contact you’ll have with your child during weekends, birthdays or holidays. For example, your kids may call, email or text their Mum or Dad when they are with you. Be positive and put on a happy face for your child – this will help them feel relaxed as they love being with both of you despite what’s happened between you.

Tip 9. Don’t be afraid to be boring

Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with their less-seen parents, not just fun things.

Co-parenting don’ts

Tip 10. Don’t sabotage your child’s relationship with their other parent

Although your relationship with your ex may not have worked out, remember that they are still Mummy or Daddy to your child. Trying to get in the way of that is not only unfair to your child, but it can often backfire – your child may end up resenting you for it rather than your ex-partner. Your child needs to have healthy relationships with both of you.

Tip 11. Don’t criticise or speak ill of your ex-partner in front of your children

When you put down your ex, your child feels as though you are putting them down as well. Children should be allowed to be carefree and not feel burdened with grown-up problems.

Tip 12. Don’t encourage your child choose sides

Burdening them with any arguments or disagreements you are having with your co-parent is never helpful. t Try to avoid discussing topics that they won’t understand or don’t need to know.

Tip 13. Don’t use your child to manipulate your ex

The only one that gets hurt when you do that is your child. Being a pawn in a game that they don’t understand is not fair to them. Using your child as a bargaining chip is one of the worst things you can do in a co-parenting situation. Remember, your children are young people with feelings, emotions and choices of their own, they’re not objects.

Tip 14. Don’t accuse – discuss

If you find out something that your ex may have done or said, don’t always assume the worst and pick a fight – particularly not in front of your children. First, wait until the iron is cold and ask for a calm discussion. It’s not about bottling up your feelings, just finding the right moment to open up – children can sense conflict and negative feelings even when they’re unsaid.

Tip 15. Never transfer your angry feelings towards your co-parent onto your children

Your kids are already dealing with the loss of the family unit and their old way of life. They need your support, love and trust to navigate these new choppy waters of life.

Don’t struggle in silence

Co-parenting requires lots of cooperation and the mindset to make it work for the good of your children. It requires letting go of angry reactions to your differences, and that can take time.

To be a great co-parent you need to learn to put aside resentments from the past. Practise transparent communication and the ability to negotiate differences. Successful co-parenting isn’t easy, but the reward of your child’s healthy development and wellbeing make it all worthwhile.

If you’re finding this too difficult right now, there are other ways to move forward. Our Separating with Children Service provides co-parents with a space to speak about their disagreements in the presence of a specialist. They can help you negotiate and come to an agreement that works for your whole family.

Book a free 15-minute consultation to find out more about the service and if it’s right for you.

Co parenting examples FAQs

How often should we review our co-parenting plan?

We recommend you review your parenting plan at least once a year or when significant changes occur, such as a new school, relocation or changes in your child's needs. amicable can assist with revising and updating your plan.

Can we change our co-parenting agreement if circumstances change?

Yes, co-parenting plans can be flexible to accommodate life changes. amicable can guide you through the process of updating your plan when necessary, ensuring both parents remain aligned on the child’s care.

How do we handle different parenting styles?

Differences in parenting styles are common, but with amicable's support, you can establish guidelines that respect both parents’ approaches while maintaining consistency for your child. Our team can help resolve these discussions, so both parents feel comfortable with the shared approach.