What is parallel parenting?

Co-parenting isn't realistic for every family, especially right after separation. Parallel parenting is a structured alternative that keeps both parents involved in their children's lives while minimising direct contact between them.

An amicable Separating with Children session can help you build an initial plan that sets both of you up for success from the start.

When people talk about parenting after separation, co-parenting tends to be presented as the gold standard — both parents communicating openly, making decisions together, attending the same school events. It's a genuinely good model when it works.

But it requires something that not every newly separated couple has: the ability to interact without it turning into a conflict. And when that interaction consistently ends in arguments, the people who suffer most are the children caught in the middle.

Parallel parenting is a different approach — and for many families, it's the healthier one.

What is parallel parenting?

Parallel parenting means both parents remain fully involved in their children's lives, but they do so independently, with minimal direct contact with each other. Think of it as two separate households running in parallel rather than in constant coordination.

Communication is kept to a minimum and, where possible, done in writing — through an app, email, or a shared document rather than face-to-face or over the phone. Day-to-day decisions are made by whichever parent the children are with at the time. The bigger decisions — schools, medical care, holidays — are handled through structured, low-temperature communication, not spontaneous conversation.

The goal isn't to erase the other parent from the picture. It's to remove the conflict from the picture so your children aren't living inside it.

To thrive, children need a relationship with both parents, even when their parent’s relationship ends. If there is still anger, grief, hurt or resentment, then the regular communication that parenting needs can become toxic, negative, and just too hard to do! The kids do not need to see you yelling, shouting, or having a door slammed in your face. As a parallel parent, the interaction between you and your ex is minimal but it allows you to choose for yourself how to parent when the kids are with you.

Does parallel parenting work?

Yes, there have been numerous success stories. As time passes wounds can heal, resentment can fade, and communication can become focused on your kids. Not to mention the benefits for your own mental health.

Co-parenting vs parallel parenting

Co-parenting works best when both parents can communicate with relative ease, put their differences aside, and present a fairly unified front. It tends to suit families where the separation, while painful, hasn't left a legacy of ongoing hostility.

Parallel parenting is better suited to situations where direct contact regularly causes conflict — where every handover is tense, where texts escalate, where simply seeing the other parent's name on your phone raises your blood pressure. In those circumstances, pushing for constant collaboration doesn't serve anyone, least of all the children.

It's also worth saying: parallel parenting isn't necessarily permanent. Many families use it as a starting point — a way to create breathing space while both parents adjust — and find that over time, as emotions settle, they're able to move toward something more collaborative.

What are the benefits of parallel parenting?

If you are unable to co-parent because of either your ex's unwillingness to communicate without hostility or you simply can no longer be in the same room; one of the greatest benefits of parallel parenting is that you can still both maintain a meaningful relationship with your children and shield them from as much conflict as possible.

This strategy is unique but effective when tension and emotions run high. It is about neutralising the battlefield.

How to create a parallel parenting plan in 5 steps

Step 1: Determine your agreed plan of where the kids will be between your households.

Set up a diary that clearly shows where they will be sleeping for their routine of school and determine holidays and celebrations. Our co-parenting app can help with this.

Step 2: Determine the boundaries of start and finish times and how they will be dropped off and collected.

Be specific as to times to avoid confusion.

Step 3: Establish the location of drop off and collections.

To minimise communication at drop-offs and collections, choose neutral places or places where the children feel comfortable to switch cars. Remember they will have clothing and possessions to manage as well.

Step 4: Have a plan for cancellations or changes.

These will happen for all sorts of reasons, and you should both be clear about the way you should address this. Also, be very clear if the cancelled time can be made up at a later date and when.

Step 5: Have an agreed way to handle any disputes that may arise.

No plan is 100% perfect and there is no foolproof step-by-step guide for how to parallel parent. So, if you find yourself being drawn into a hostile conversation, shut it down and seek professional help. We offer one-hour Separating with Children Service to help resolve any conflict.

Co-parenting works best when both parents can communicate with relative ease, put their differences aside, and present a fairly unified front. It tends to suit families where the separation, while painful, hasn't left a legacy of ongoing hostility.

Parallel parenting is better suited to situations where direct contact regularly causes conflict — where every handover is tense, where texts escalate, where simply seeing the other parent's name on your phone raises your blood pressure. In those circumstances, pushing for constant collaboration doesn't serve anyone, least of all the children.

It's also worth saying: parallel parenting isn't necessarily permanent. Many families use it as a starting point — a way to create breathing space while both parents adjust — and find that over time, as emotions settle, they're able to move toward something more collaborative.

FAQs about parallel parenting

Are there any other forms of parenting, besides co-parenting and parallel parenting?

Yes, besides co-parenting and parallel parenting, there are several other forms of parenting that individuals may adopt based on their unique circumstances and needs. Some examples include solo parenting, shared parenting, blended parenting, and free-range parenting.

What happens when parallel parenting doesn’t work? What do I do?

When parallel parenting doesn't work, and the co-parents can’t effectively communicate or cooperate, it can create challenges and conflicts that impact the well-being of the children involved. Couples should seek specialist help to navigate this.

Which parenting style is most effective?

The effectiveness of a parenting style is subjective and depends on many factors, including the child's temperament, age, and specific family dynamics.