Life after divorce – what to do and how to move on

I can remember the anticlimax of getting legal confirmation that my divorce was granted. I opened the final order – which was then used to be called the [decree absolute] (https://amicable.io/what-is-a-decree-absolute) – and stared at the bit of paper. I was completely underwhelmed by the event of ‘being divorced’, while being totally overwhelmed with my life at that precise moment.

My single mother, divorcee life no longer overwhelms me, but it's not been an easy journey. There’s lots of advice out there about how to move past your divorce or what you ‘should do’ when it comes to navigating life after divorce.

Many of us aren’t able to receive that kind of information in the moment, however well-meaning the messenger. Like so many things in life, timing is everything. So, if you’re not in the right headspace, maybe don’t read this blog now… save it somewhere so you can read it bit by bit when you’re ready. Ignore the stuff that grates, take what you can and pay it forward. You will find a way to move past your divorce – and whatever that looks like, it will be the right way for you.

And before you hate me for being smug or appearing to have everything sorted – it took a lot of time and many mistakes were made before I arrived here. Some of what comes next is from the school of ‘do as I say, not as I do/did’. I’ve tried to pull together the best of what I did right and wrong and some of the things I’ve learnt from working with amazing divorcing couples over the years… I hope something helps.

Don’t reinvent yourself – sort out the basics first

Julia Roberts may have ‘eaten, prayed and loved’, but for most of us, there are some more fundamental things to sort out when life no longer follows the expected path.

The real basic thing to sort out in this brave new world is adjusting to your new financial reality. This means maximising the cash you have coming in and making a budget.

When you’re in control, you have more chance of affording to do or buy the things that are important to you and your family.

Whether you are the parent paying maintenance or the one receiving it, you’ll be living on less than before, so you need to change how you spend money. If you’ve never budgeted before, this will be the best thing you ever do… honestly.

Here are some basic tips on what to do after your divorce to help ease you into your new financial reality with peace of mind.

1. Work out what you are spending

Go through bank statements (this is easy online) and make a list of every direct debit and standing order you have.

Work out where your money goes. Set yourself a month-long project – get and keep every receipt. Spend time doing this properly – it will pay dividends.

Create a simple spreadsheet and use this information to make a budget… and then practice sticking to it.

It may take a while, but like all successful habits… it will take an average of 66 days to start to work.

2. Audit yourself

Be ruthless on what you spend your money on. My biggest weakness was the weekly shop – I went to the very best of green-branded supermarkets, I never went with a list, I bought whatever we ‘needed’ and I went as many times as I remembered things we needed.

The top-up shops doubled my weekly spend and were breaking the budget. I now plan meals – including any special treats – and go to a less upmarket supermarket once a week with a complete list.

You will have your ‘thing’ – find it and sort it!

3. Switch everything

Mortgage, car insurance, home insurance, energy bills, credit cards.

Don’t let anything auto-renew… Go and look on Martin Lewis’ lovely website for advice on the specifics.

4. Save something

Even if it's £20 a month. Make saving a habit. Bank it on payday. The easiest time to increase your savings is when you get a pay rise or a new job. Bank the difference straight away.

5. Claim any benefits due to you

Do you qualify for child benefit now you’re not a double-income household? Universal Credit? Have you applied for a single-person council tax reduction?

I remember I went to the Citizen’s Advice – for something unrelated – and found out I qualified for a clothing grant for when my youngest child started primary school. It made a massive difference to me at the time.

Sort your co-parenting relationship out

Step one sorts out the practical stuff, or your ‘head’ – now the ‘heart’. One of the biggest adjustments you and your ex will need to make is the transition from parent to co-parent. My transition has been – and continues to be – anything but smooth.

However, there are some amazing parents out there who demonstrate that this can be done… and that doesn’t mean having to be in each other’s lives all the time or be best friends.

1. Approach it as a new and different relationship

This is not you and your partner any more. You are two different individuals with a shared interest in your children. Break with the past, ditch the old habits and the old ways of talking to each other… re-frame the relationship.

I think of it as a working relationship. One where there needs to be a slight distance, level of formality and an understanding that neither of us has unilateral rights. Things need to be negotiated and discussed.

The good thing is we both want the best for our children. I try to remember that when things are difficult. I tell myself we are arguing about how best to execute the goal, not about the goal itself.

2. Document the big stuff in a parenting plan

The key is to agree on a parenting plan that provides stability for your children, but also allows for flexibility to accommodate their changing needs. Your parenting plan will include details about logistical arrangements as well as how to handle special occasions such as birthdays and holidays.

Establish some sort of system for regular reviews and be prepared for things to change quickly as children grow and their needs change.

3. This is one time to ignore the numbers

By that, I’m talking about the percentage of the time the children spend with each of you. What matters is that the children have a good quality relationship with you both and enjoy the time they spend with you.

Don’t get hung up on calculating care patterns by the percentage of time – create something that works for them and you.

4. Give each other the space to be the parent you want to be

There is no single right way to parent – so if your partner parents differently, don’t create tension by expecting them to do things the same as you.

Provided no genuine harm is being done, allow each other space to parent and make mistakes… nobody’s parents are perfect – therapists would be out of a job if they were!

5. That said – maintain a united front!

Children can be slippery little devils – and you need to know they are safe and contained. This means providing some consistency in your approach to matters of discipline or values.

Sort differences out privately and don’t involve the children – they hate it and it hurts them.

If possible, plan for the big milestones like new partners, new siblings etc. Having a conversation in advance without a date or event looming is likely to go better than having it in the heat of the unfolding issue.

Now do the yoga and reinvent yourself, aka eat, pray, love

My background is in counselling psychology, so unsurprisingly I’ve done quite a bit of therapy in various forms.

There have been many times when it's simply been too expensive to engage with, and other times when it’s been so necessary that the cost of not doing it would have been disastrous.

There is free therapy out there – you have to look hard, get on a list and wait and wait. GP waiting lists are often long, but charities can help, and many workplaces now offer some short-term therapeutic options in their benefits packages.

Private therapists do offer reduced rates for those on a lower income. The BACP website – searchable by postcode and problem type – is a good place to start.

What I’ve learnt though, is that there are lots of different ways to support yourself on this, many of which are free, but all of which require just one thing… a commitment – both mentally and in time.

1. Carve out some time for you

Yes, I know when you’re juggling work and kids it feels impossible to do this, but I’m not talking about whole days out on the golf course or at the local spa.

Start with something small. Try dedicating 20 minutes each day to something for you. You could sit and meditate, do a few yoga positions or play a song you haven’t listened to for a while.

This is much harder when your kids are small, but that’s what bathrooms and sheds are for. (Yes, I have sat in the shed to hide from mine for a few precious minutes in the past. Note: the shed is also a good place to cry or scream into a cushion.

2. Surround yourself with a variety of friends

Sure, it’s good to normalise single parent living for your kids and hang out with single-parent mates – not least so you don’t have to explain why you’re taking coffee in a flask and packing a picnic vs going to the very expensive onsite café.

But if all you talk about is your divorce and your single-parent woes, your life will become these things. Spending time with friends where it doesn’t matter who's single, divorced, dating, having a rough marital patch or a relationship renaissance is fabulous.

Learning not to become the centre of every conversation and being there for your friends and their troubles is a good thing and will help you recover more quickly.Whatever you choose to focus on in your life gets bigger, so be careful where your conversation turns.

Try the Frolo app if you want support from a community of single parents who understand what you're going through.

3. Learn to be on your own

This can be tricky if you haven’t lived alone before or you’re not used to doing things on your own. If you’re sharing the care of your children, you’ll soon be facing a whole weekend stretching ahead of you with nothing planned.

I’ve tried various things, but the ones that have stuck for me are learning to play football, joining a women’s team – never kicked a football before in my life until I divorced – and cycling.

These activities come with no pressure, no need to rely on anyone and offer me some comradery and an outlet for my competitive spirit. In the early days, I practised eating out alone – without staring at my phone – and I still love going to the cinema alone.

I found points one and three easier than point two. And starting a business helped with point one immeasurably. By putting these stakes in the ground, I think I planted a solid framework for my new life to wrap itself around.

I didn’t have to rip everything up – nothing so dramatic, but I made changes that made me feel good about myself and that have become life-long habits and helped me adjust to my life after the divorce.

Prepare for life after divorce with amicable

Preparing for life after divorce can feel overwhelming, but amicable is here to help you navigate this new chapter with clarity and confidence. Our team offers compassionate guidance suited to your situation, helping you move forward with peace of mind. Whether you need advice on co-parenting, financial planning or managing the emotional aspects of separation, we’re here to support you every step of the way.

Contact us today to start building a positive future for yourself and your family.

FAQs on life after divorce

What should I prioritise after a divorce?

It’s essential to focus on your emotional wellbeing, financial stability and co-parenting arrangements – if you have children. Our Separating with Children Service can help you prioritise your children’s wellbeing by creating a parenting plan that works for your whole family.

Can I get legal or financial advice from amicable?

amicable doesn’t offer legal advice, but we can guide you and your ex-partner to the right financial agreement or child arrangements for you, supporting your emotional wellbeing along the way. We can also connect you with trusted professionals at our partner organisations for specific legal or financial matters.

How long does it take to feel ‘normal’ again after divorce?

The timeline varies for everyone. Focus on getting the support you need so you can keep moving forward. Understand where you are on the emotional journey of divorce. If you feel stuck at a particular stage, you may benefit from therapy or counselling services, such as those offered by our partner BetterHelp.

How should we split the care of our pet when we divorce?

Deciding who keeps your pet can be tricky. Consider who primarily cared for your pet, your future living arrangements and your pet’s best interests. amicable can help guide your discussions to find a solution that works for everyone through our Separating with Pets Service.