15
Hi all, you probably get this question asked a lot, but I'm new here and this is my first post, so here we go. I am a 44-year-old man with two kids, five years old and nine years old. My wife filed for divorce in February, and I reluctantly agreed to go along with a joint application in order to minimise any conflict.
I initially secretly hopes, or wanted, to be able to reconcile or at least work towards reconciliation as we navigated the process; however, as time goes on, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that reconciliation is not an option for my wife. I'm absolutely devastated at the thought of losing everything that we've built over the last 10 years of marriage and 13 years as a couple. I’ve been in some really dark places in the recent months, especially struggling to talk about my feelings with others. But as each week goes on, my level of acceptance seems to be slowly growing, although some days it feels like two steps forward and one step backward.
However, the question I want to ask, and I'm hoping for responses from both men and women who have been through similar experiences or who can relate to the info below, is around how to cope, or how you have coped, when your spouse's personality seems to change overnight? I think one of the biggest aspects of the divorce process so far that I've really struggled with is that my wife has just become completely cold, disinterested and distanced herself from me emotionally – it's almost as if our marriage of 10 years doesn't mean anything to her and that I don't matter. The reason I think like this is because she is refusing to talk to me while we're living together, even though I've consistently tried to be kind, considerate, and respectful in our communications, especially in front of the children. However, it seems the more civil I am, the more distant and combative she becomes. At times, it seems almost cruel.
My wife has a recent history of depression, which is managed by medication since 2017; she also believes she has ADHD with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, albeit this is undiagnosed, but she has commented on numerous occasions that she thinks this is something she's living with. We have previously carried out attachment questionnaires during moments when we have been trying to communicate better, and she comes out as an avoidant attachment personality, whereas I come out as an anxiously attached type. I really want to be able to, as a minimum, enjoy at least some level of amicable or kind communication with my wife as we embark on the co-parenting journey that seems to be ahead; however, when she refuses to communicate with me other than by email, even while we are still living together, I'm struggling to see any hope of how we'll be able to communicate in the future.
Last week, her solicitor wrote to my solicitor to outline that my wife wants to engage in mediation at the earliest opportunity with a view to agreeing on ‘interim financial and living arrangements’ while we agree on the wider financial position associated with a divorce. This email immediately triggered my anxiety because I felt that it was a threat that she now wants me to move out (ie ‘interim living arrangements’) , and will start looking for this to be agreed as part of the mediation process.
If any of this resonates with any of you, or even if there are any parallels in anything you've been through, or just any advice you can give me that's relevant to the information I've described above, I would be ever so grateful for you to share your comments and thoughts with me.
I really do love my wife, and until the divorce is absolutely final, then I will still carry some level of hope in my heart that she will change her position or at least want to talk to me in a simple way. I would add that in the run-up to the divorce, there were no major issues in terms of behaviors; for example, there was no adultery or abusive behavior, etc. Rather, there was a buildup of communication difficulties that led to resentment, I think, on her part over time. We always struggled to reconcile after disagreements, and due to my anxious attachment style, I think I naturally sought reassurance and validation from her over the years, and tried to mould myself around what i thought she wanted from me, which gradually became too much for her and her avoidant personality type, and eventually, she snapped and wanted out. Hence, here we are today. Thanks, all.