Divorce tips for grandparents - helping your children and grandchildren through divorce

If you’re a parent of someone getting divorced, you’ll naturally want to support them however you can. If you’re also the grandparents of the children in the divorce, you may not know where to start. Grandparents can provide stability, empathy and practical support, and we’ll look at each of these in turn below.

This article will also touch on how you can be mindful of their boundaries, while protecting your own wellbeing.

We also have a video on this same topic if you’d prefer to watch or listen:

How grandparents can help during a divorce

Grandparents can provide stability

Divorce is an uncertain and stressful time. One of the most important things grandparents can do during a divorce is provide stability. This goes for your children as well as your grandchildren.

Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is what you’ve been doing all along: giving your children and grandchildren a place to go that’s away from all the stress they’ve been dealing with at home.

During this time, try to keep things as normal as possible. If your children and grandchildren come for dinners on Sunday, keep that going. If you have a routine that you’ve kept for years, that can be a big comfort while so many other things are changing.

For your grandchildren, maintaining your relationship with them can show them that not everything has to change. Or, if you haven’t been particularly close with your grandchildren before, now is an opportunity to build a relationship with them, and provide them a safe place that won’t be impacted by the divorce.

Use empathy

When your children are going through a difficult time, it can be tempting to try to fix things for them. But sometimes the best thing you can do for them is simply to be there, and empathise with how they’re feeling. You don’t need personal experience with divorce to understand and empathise with what someone is going through.

Just imagine what it must feel like to suddenly have your relationship end, to not know where you might live, or what life will be like in the future. Divorce is scary, and it’s important to recognise and understand how difficult it is. Don’t minimise their feelings, or trivialise what they’re going through. Respect their boundaries - if they don’t want to talk about what happened, or what’s going to happen in the future, understand that it might be a stressful topic they’d rather just avoid for now. Even if you think you know best, don’t offer advice that isn’t asked for.

If you’re struggling, remember that sometimes just asking your child or grandchild how they’re doing, or what they need help with, can be exactly what they need.

Engage with grandchildren in meaningful ways

Grandparents can play a vital role in the development of their grandchildren. UNICEF has done studies on how grandparents form part of a child’s 'social safety-net', providing a stable basis where they can learn how to behave. We’ve linked a video below on how story-telling can ground children in their family, feeling part of a larger tradition:

Many of us have memories of our grandparents teaching us lessons, helping us grow and celebrating our successes. It’s a special relationship that becomes even more important during difficult times. Finding something you both enjoy, like cooking, films or music, can foster a connection that will last a lifetime, and give them memories they’ll have forever.

Of course, you don’t need to do anything out of the ordinary, just providing a break from the stress of the divorce is enough. Something as simple as just going for a walk can help things seem brighter.

Raj Grewal, Negotiation Divorce Specialist shares her thoughts on Grandparents Day: 'Grandparents can provide a steady anchor of love and stability when a child's world feels like it's shifting during a divorce or separation. Grandparents can offer a safe place for children, reminding them that they are deeply loved, seen and supported. Their presence helps protect a child’s emotional wellbeing when everything else feels uncertain.'

Practical tips to help your children with divorce

When it comes to what you can actually do to help, there are many ways you can make a difference.

Start by offering specific help, not vague offers. Say 'I can take the kids on Tuesday afternoon', not 'let me know if you need anything.'

Offering to pick up or drop-off children at school, the doctors or other activities can really help.

Cooking a healthy meal is sometimes the last thing parents want to do when dealing with something as stressful as divorce. Being able to help with the shopping, or cooking dinner can make a world of difference.

Divorce can be expensive, so if you’re able to, consider some small gestures like lunches out, or birthday presents. Check with your children if they’re comfortable with this before spending any money.

Lastly, if your children or grandchildren are really struggling with the divorce, encourage them to seek professional help. Sometimes a family member showing concern is enough for people to seek additional support.

Navigating difficulties & conflicts

In any divorce, there will be moments of conflict. Whilst it's best not to get directly involved, there are ways you can help. If your child and their ex-partner disagree on something and they aren’t sure what to do, remind them to stick to prior agreements when they can, or to be flexible when needed. If one parent excludes you, reach out to them, and avoid any blame or criticism. Even if you’re hurt, or angry, you want to try to help make this difficult situation better.

Don’t let yourself get pulled into disputes. You aren’t a messenger or a judge. You shouldn’t be expected to have a say in any arguments, as that isn’t your business.

Conflict can also come from the grandchildren. Divorce can be difficult for them to come to terms with, they may blame themselves, or feel anger or sadness they don’t really understand. If they’re distant, try reaching out and giving them the space to express how they’re feeling. They might be able to tell you things they don’t feel able to talk to their parents about.

Self-care and setting your own boundaries

When so much of your family is struggling, of course you’ll want to help as much as you can. But recognise your limits: you have your own life, your own needs and your own problems to deal with.

Be honest about what you can commit to. If you’ve been picking the grandchildren up from school but you aren’t able to continue for some reason, let their parents know as soon as you can so they can make arrangements.

You might be asked to help with something you just can’t do. It’s ok to say no if you need to, you can’t do everything.

While the divorce is a big event in all of your lives, remember to spend time with friends and other family members, enjoy your own hobbies and get plenty of rest. Take care of yourself.

Grandparents can be a huge help to both their children and grandchildren during a divorce, providing stability, someone to listen and practical support when needed. If you want to help, there’s so much you can do. Even one small thing, like offering to cook dinner or pick up the children can make a difference.

If this article was helpful, we have guides for divorce for mothers and for fathers, as well as tools and resources that can help with divorce.