10+ co-parenting Christmas tips for a smooth holiday period

We’re overloaded with social media posts and TV ads showing smiling families in matching Christmas pyjamas at this time of year. Meanwhile, you may be navigating your first – or fifth – year of Christmas as a co-parent following your separation or divorce.

It may be your turn with the kids this year and you’re feeling the pressure. Or maybe you’re upset that you’ll be spending the day without them for the first time. Organising the Christmas holidays as a co-parent can feel overwhelming, but there are ways to minimise stress, tension and disruption. Christmas should be restful and relaxing for you and your kids, and we can help make that possible.

Our practical co-parenting Christmas tips will help you create joyful moments over the festive season, no matter what your arrangements are this year.

10 co-parenting tips for making successful Christmas arrangements

1. Put your children first

Divide holidays based on what’s best for the kids – not what’s ‘fair’ or ‘equal’ for the adults. Try to minimise to-ing and fro-ing on Christmas day as this can cause unnecessary stress for everyone, especially if you live far apart.

If your children are old enough to tell you how they want to spend their day, then account for this, even if it feels unfair to you. Listen to what the kids want and try to accommodate at least some of their needs and wants.

2. Be realistic

Understandably, co-parents tend to be very sensitive about Christmas. It’s a special day for your children and you want to do the right thing.

Pressure from your kids to spend the day as a whole family can be huge, and if you feel this is achievable then by all means do it.

If a whole day isn’t a good idea this year, plan for a brief moment during the holidays that you can spend together as a family unit. Whether it’s meeting at a neutral place such as a cafe for a mince pie or unwrapping a joint present or decorating the tree together, this shows your child you can unite when it matters.

Tension on Christmas day is not enjoyable for anyone. So be realistic. If spending the day – or even a short time together – will cause tension, then don’t go there. Your kids would rather see you separately than seeing you together, but angry or upset.

3. Keep communication open

If your child isn’t spending Christmas day with one of their parents, arrange a video call or phone call. This keeps the connection alive and reassures them that both parents are thinking of them, no matter where they are.

4. Plan ahead

Try not to leave decisions to the last minute – especially not important ones. If you can start discussing Christmas plans at the end of summer, you can make sure everyone’s views are heard and better manage expectations. Discuss logistics as soon as you can if you’ve not been able to broach the topic yet.

Many separated couples use a parenting plan to make arrangements and avoid any stress, sometimes a year in advance. This takes the sting out of negotiating and you can do it at a time when you’re on good terms.

Use our free parenting plan to help you decide on your holiday arrangements, or download our co-parenting app so you stay on top of your co-parenting responsibilities over the holidays and into the new year.

5. Get creative with Christmas traditions

Christmas and New Year are often times of contemplation. This can bring feelings of grief and memories of ‘how things used to be’. The end of old traditions can be hard to get used to.

See this as your opportunity to get creative and invent new traditions – you can involve your older children in making new plans.

Your attitude to embracing change will be a strong signal to your kids. Try to make sure your glass is half full (figuratively speaking!) and show them how to enjoy things being a bit different.

6. Be flexible – and forgiving!

It may be Christmas, but things will go wrong – life’s not perfect. So, if your ex is late with the kids, again, you don’t have to be angry with them.

Similarly, at the point of handover, keep things polite and upbeat. Changing houses during the holidays can feel overwhelming for kids, especially if there is a frosty atmosphere between their parents. Focus on sending them off with a kiss, hug and maybe a treat to make it feel more positive.

Christmas, co-parenting and separation or divorce could be a perfect storm if you let it. You can’t control your ex’s behaviour, but you can choose how you respond. Choose peace this Christmas, and don’t sweat the small stuff. If emotions run high, wait until you’re out of earshot to process them.

7. Create a new relationship with your ex

If you’re struggling to unhook yourself from your ex on an emotional level, and you’re falling into old relationship patterns, take a step back. Chances are that your immediate reactions are linked to your past relationship.

Choose to create a new relationship with your ex. This time, it may be more business-like and less emotionally charged. Take time out for yourself to decide how you can operate as co-parents together for the better.

8. Share Christmas gift lists

The last thing you want is for your children to receive the same present from both of their parents. This can lead to a sense of confusion or disappointment, and become a point of tension for you and your ex.

To avoid this happening, discuss and agree the gifts each of you will buy for your child in advance. This ensures no duplication and helps the day feel as smooth as possible for your child.

9. Exchange presents on behalf of your co-parent

To further bring a sense of harmony to your Christmas arrangements, you may even have a few small presents under the tree labelled as being from the other parent. This gesture can help your child feel cared for by both parents and make the day feel more special and less divided.

10. Don’t struggle alone

Even with the best intentions, you may still disagree with your co-parent on the ‘right’ way to do Christmas. Whether you’re newly separated or have been living apart for a while already, an expert, outside perspective can really help you see the wood from the trees.

Our Separating with Children Service is a 90-minute joint session with a specialist to help you find the best way forward for your family.

Book a free 15-minute advice call to learn more about the service and if it’s right for you.

Suzanna’s story: A co-parenting Christmas as newly separated parents

I’m a huge believer in confronting your pain and feelings and hitting rock bottom to then start rising, growing and becoming stronger. Being challenged takes us to places that show us that we have strength, resilience and tenacity, all amazing life-enhancing qualities. In my experience, you will not hit ‘rock bottom’ only once after your separation. As your year progresses, you will be confronted with so many new situations and scenarios as a separated parent. These include special celebrations such as Christmas. And as newly separated parents, Christmas arrangements can be incredibly challenging.

A few years ago I experienced my first Christmas away from my sons. I was not only away from them, but we were also in two completely different parts of the world with different time zones. They were with their father and new stepmother on holidays, and I returned to my family in Australia surrounded by my niece and nephews, family and friends. It was a series of events and discussions that led to this point. I knew because of our living arrangements a shared Christmas was not possible. I realised that one of us was going to be alone. If it wasn’t me, it would be their Dad.

I also realised that my ability to empathise with him at this time of year was a big step forward into resetting our future. I decided to do everything possible to enable our sons to holiday with him, but still feel and enjoy the Christmas holiday spirit with me and simply have an alternative Christmas. I also realised that my attitude largely influenced their acceptance of the festive holiday plans. 

I shed some tears as I missed them and felt detached, but I also knew they were happy, safe and having fun.

The following year I was in lockdown due to the pandemic and had my boys with me. I planned and discussed arrangements with their Dad and his Christmas gifts were ordered and delivered well in advance. I offered to wrap them on his behalf. I proposed FaceTime at the moment of unwrapping, so he could see their delighted reactions in real time. We also had joint video calls to extended family and I let him entertain the boys virtually whilst I prepared the turkey and was busy in the kitchen. Their Dad was absolutely a part of our day which I know he loved. But even more importantly, the boys did too.

One thing we all learned over the pandemic is that technology can be embraced in a very human way. We can interact and share ordinary moments easily rather than saving them up for that special time together. Use technology to your advantage and enjoy it, because the other thing the pandemic taught us is that life can be unexpected, and often tragically short.

Divorce and separation will bring so many new challenges and an immense amount of change. How you choose to embrace that change is up to you. Sometimes it will be easy, other times it will feel unfair – but as the saying goes… We cannot change the cards we’re dealt, but we can control how we play our hand.

Suzanna’s top tips for your first Christmas without your children

1. Acknowledge that this year is unique and different. Think about making the time special rather than focusing on what is missing.
2. Accept that it may be emotionally difficult at times.
3. Plan your time so you have a combination of being busy and celebrating with family and friends, as well as some time out to deal with your mixed emotions.
4. Have a ‘build up’ of Christmas activities prior to saying goodbye to your children. Supplementing their traditional chocolate advent calendar, I did an activity advent calendar. Every night I would write an activity for the next day. Here are some examples: sing me a Christmas carol, build a gingerbread house, bake cookies, write to Father Christmas, make a personal decoration for the tree, decorate cookies, prepare a small hamper of essentials for someone in need, or watch ‘The Polar Express’. The activities can be as imaginative as you wish.
5. Start some new traditions to create your own personal memories.
6. Try not to judge or compete. Accept that your ex-partner will most probably start their own unique traditions too. Celebrate that the kids will be excited and happy.
7. Discuss gift-giving in advance. Make sure you’re not doubling up or being outrageously generous because of your feelings, as opposed to their needs or desires.
8. Do something you have always wanted to do, or something different for yourself. How about a day trip, city break or spa weekend?
9. Give something back. Volunteer or donate your time, food or unwanted things to someone in need.
10. Try to avoid unsupportive friends or family members and focus on spending time with those that make you feel confident and secure.
11. Spend some time reflecting on how far you have come. Remind yourself that emotions are a source of information.
12. Discuss timings and what the kids will need to pack well in advance if you’re sharing the day. Most importantly, share this information with the kids to ensure there aren’t any unexpected surprises – except the presents of course!
13. Never use your children as pawns to hurt or punish your ex. This is totally counter-productive and it’s not in your children’s best interests. It’s all about putting them children first.
14. Keep up your self-care routine – exercise, sleep, diet, grooming and anything else that makes you feel good and like yourself.
15. Reassure yourself that this new way of celebrating will become easier with time.

Co-parenting Christmas arrangements FAQs

How do split families navigate Christmas?

Families that follow a different model to the traditional nuclear family, including co-parenting families, parallel parenting families and blended families, can choose to do Christmas in a variety of ways. Some parents manage to do Christmas together despite a separation, and some do not. We can help you discuss all your options together with our Separating with Children Service.

Should separated parents spend Christmas together?

Ultimately, it comes down to what is best for you and your children. However, if the relationship between you and your ex is bad, then don’t be pressured into doing Christmas together. Two happy, separate parents are much better than having Mum and Dad together, as well as the negative atmosphere that comes with that. That’s not to say that it wouldn’t work another year. You can always make alternative arrangements next year if this year doesn’t work, irrespective of whose ‘turn’ it is.

Can separated parents successfully share Christmas?

The key to successfully sharing Christmas is to keep the focus on your children. Create a plan together that allows them to feel loved and supported by both parents during this special time. Encourage open dialogue with your children, so they feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires about the holidays.

How can you avoid family conflict in the run-up to and during Christmas?

No matter which family style you have – whether you’re co-parents, a blended family, have a nesting arrangement or something else – avoiding family conflict at Christmas is something that’s important not just for the children, but for everyone involved. Prioritising the needs and wishes of the kids over the Christmas holidays is essential. If you’re struggling to put aside your differences, you may benefit from a session with one of our Co-parenting Specialists. Our Separating with Children Service is a 90-minute joint session to help you find the best way forward for your family. Book a free 15-minute advice call to find out more about the service and if it’s right for you.