Mediation vs Negotiation: which is right for you?

Divorce doesn’t have to mean solicitors or a lengthy court case. When going through divorce, mediation and negotiation are two types of conflict resolution that can help you and your ex partner recognise where you stand, understand each other better and feel empowered to progress through the divorce.

They work in slightly different ways, so we’ll look at each of them here and discuss how they can help you.

What is mediation?

Mediation is for couples who are getting divorced but can still communicate, even if they don’t always agree. It’s a voluntary opportunity for both of you to speak face to face or online, and resolve your financial and childcare issues while a professional, neutral mediator is in the room to keep things productive and on track.

If you’d prefer to listen instead of reading further, we have a podcast episode on mediation here:

Mediation is a confidential, cooperative strategy, instead of the traditional confrontational approach of solicitors or a court case. It’s also usually much cheaper, with most mediation sessions typically costing hundreds of pounds, instead of the thousands or even tens of thousands that legal fees can incur. The UK government recently introduced a way to make mediation cheaper with a voucher scheme.

Mediation is not counselling, and it’s not about reconciliation, scoring points or placing blame. It’s about looking to the future to help both of you get to a point where everything is agreed and you are as happy as you can be with the new arrangements, making it easier to carry on with your lives.

Many people going through divorce find mediation helpful, as it is designed to reduce conflict and increase communication skills, which can be a massive benefit if you go on to co-parent together . Mediation also helps both people to feel heard and respected, instead of a single verdict being handed down from a judge.

For mediation to work, both of you will need to be prepared to listen to each other and the mediator, leave blame behind and focus on the future.

The mediation process

1. Assessment

Your mediator will begin with an initial assessment to see if mediation is the right choice for the both of you and your situation. They’ll then identify the most pressing issues that need to be resolved, such as child arrangements, financial arrangements and living arrangements.

2. Joint sessions

From there, you’ll begin joint sessions where you’ll talk about your situation, your needs and what each of you are happy with. The mediator facilitates the discussion, but both of you are in control, talking to each other in a structured way designed to make things easier.

Your mediator will test the proposals you have made to ensure they’re realistic. If you have children, they’ll also help you get set up with a parenting plan , which will help with co-parenting after the divorce has been finalised.

We’ve created a parenting plan template that you can use.

3. Agreement

Your mediator will help you communicate and reach agreements, and can provide you with a written summary of what was discussed, the issues raised and any proposals made. This can make the rest of the divorce process much easier.

It’s important to note that while a mediator can provide information and make suggestions about things such as the court process and the principles the court follows, they can’t provide legal counsel, and any agreements made through mediation aren’t legally binding . For that, you’ll need a consent order , which can happen later on in the divorce process [LINK: Everything you need to know about the divorce process].

Shuttle mediation

Of course, sometimes face to face mediation may not be suitable or you may not feel comfortable meeting in person with your former partner. Shuttle mediation is for when tensions are high, and you can’t talk face to face. Each of you sit in a different room, and the mediator ‘shuttles’ between rooms, conveying messages and responses. This way, healthy, productive communication can still occur, even though you don’t directly see or speak to each other.

It allows for each person to communicate without fear of reprisal or retaliation, with each person getting the same amount of time to be heard. Shuttle mediation can deliver success even for people who have not spoken in months. It can help rebuild communication, with some people able to be in the same room afterwards, making continuing communication much easier.

How long does mediation take?

Mediation typically takes between two to six sessions , but may take longer depending on your situation. It is almost always faster than a court case, which could take a year or more to be fully resolved.

Of course, mediation doesn’t always work for everyone. If you’ve tried mediation and haven’t had success, you might consider trying negotiation .

What is negotiation?

Negotiation is the process of deciding who gets what in terms of finances, property and other valuables. It can be done with solicitors for each person, but we created amicable to make the process easier, cheaper and kinder, to help both of you stay friends after the process is over .

The negotiation process

1. Speak to a professional

The first step in the negotiation process is to speak to a solicitor, or your amicable Divorce Specialist. They’ll help you understand the process and the basis on which negotiation will take place.

Negotiation is designed to be equitable, not equal . This means you may not get half of everything, as all factors like income, income potential, property, age, health and contributions to the marriage will be taken into account.

2. Disclose your finances

For negotiation to work, it’s important that each of you provide a full disclosure of your finances . You are required by law to disclose everything, including liabilities like debts and existing financial obligations. You will see your ex’s disclosure form, and they will see yours, so it’s vital that you list everything. If you don’t, you run the risk of leaving your financial agreement open to challenges in the future, so it’s far better to be open and honest about your financial situation.

If you own property or a business, you will need to get them independently valued by a professional. Your total pension will also need to be fully disclosed, as this may be one of the most valuable parts of your overall finances.

What documents do I need to provide?

Here is a list of documents you’ll likely need for your financial disclosure:

• Property valuation from a chartered surveyor or 3 estate agents
• A redemption statement from your mortgage provider
• 12 months of bank statements for each account you hold
• A surrender value of any insurance policies
• Shares and investments portfolio
• Valuations of any cars or vehicles
• Pension valuation (often called a Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (CETV)
• Statement of any liabilities such as debts or loans

If you have other valuables or ways of generating income, you will require additional documents for them, as these provide the basis for understanding exactly how much is up for discussion.

3. Reach a final agreement

The final stage of negotiation is a roundtable discussion and then the final agreement.

4. Consent order

A consent order [LINK TO ESSENTIAL GUIDE ON CONSENT ORDERS] is then drafted, sent to the court to be agreed and made legally binding.

Negotiation strategies and compromise

We think it’s best to prioritise what’s most important to you, and have a clear view of what will be equitable and realistic. While you may want to pursue an aggressive strategy, you should expect to have to make some compromises : it is very rare to get absolutely everything you want.

You can also watch this video on negotiation:

How long does negotiation take?

The more complex your financial situations are, the longer your negotiation will take. Some are finished in a handful of sessions, others can take significantly longer.

Can we get divorced without a financial disclosure?

You can get divorced without a financial disclosure, but then you wouldn’t be able to get a financial consent order, leaving both of you open to possible claims in the future. For that reason, we typically always recommend doing a financial disclosure and getting a consent order, to give both of you peace of mind and a clean break so you can focus on the future.

For the court to be able to make a financial order, the judge must have some information about your financial circumstances. This is done on a form called a D81 statement of information , so you will still need to provide some financial information to the court to get an order approved.

Negotiations with amicable

Our negotiations use the GROW model, created by our co-founder, Kate. Grow stands for:

Goals - what do you want in the future? Reality - where are you right now? Options - what next steps could you take? What - what have you agreed?

This helps keep you focused on the positives, and gets you thinking about what you’d like to do next as you move on. We’re proud to say this method has an over 95% success rate in helping couples reach an agreement.

Useful links

We have more explainers and guides for the divorce process at [LINK: MAIN SUBSCRIPTION PAGE].

Ask the community

Sometimes it can really help to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. That’s why we created a forum where you can ask questions and talk things through with other members of the amicable community [LINK: SUBSCRIPTION FORUM PAGE].

If you need help with anything mentioned above, or just want to talk to a Divorce Specialist who understands what you’re going through, get in touch with us for a free 15-minute consultation.