Essential guide: Is my relationship still healthy?

If you're unsure whether your relationship is healthy, this article will help. It explains what a healthy relationship looks like, the warning signs of an unhealthy one, and what counts as abuse.

What is a healthy relationship?

Long-term romantic relationships don’t need to be perfect, but they should be healthy. A healthy relationship is one where both people feel:

• Safe
• Respected
• Supported

In this guide, we’ll explore the qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Qualities of a healthy relationship:

Respect

You value each other’s opinions, choices and boundaries, even if you don’t always agree. There’s no pressure to change who you are.

Watch this video from Kate, amicable’s co-founder, on why boundaries are a crucial part of healthy relationships:

Open and honest communication

You can talk honestly about how you feel. You both listen and try to understand each other without judgment or blame.

Independence and personal growth

You can both enjoy time apart, have your own friends, interests and opinions. Your relationship provides you with a platform to grow emotionally.

Flexibility

You can compromise and put your partner's needs before your own, and this is reciprocated, so there is a balance in the relationship rather than one person being looked after.

Kindness and support

You treat each other with care. You’re there for each other through the ups and downs, and you celebrate each other’s wins.

Trust

You feel secure with yourselves and each other. You don’t need to check up on each other or hide things.

Fairness and equality

No one has more power than the other. You share decisions, responsibilities and the emotional load.

Intimacy

Intimacy can take many forms, physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual. What it looks like will be unique to you.

In a healthy relationship, intimacy feels safe, mutual and connected, not forced or one-sided. You feel close, seen, and accepted for who you are.

Conflict done right

Arguments happen. In a healthy relationship, you work through disagreements calmly and respectfully. You focus on solving the issue, not winning.

A healthy relationship should feel like a safe place where you can be yourself and feel valued. If you don’t feel those things, you might be in an unhealthy relationship.

Listen to our podcast with therapist, author, and former divorce lawyer Joanna Harrison on how to have a healthy argument in relationships.

Qualities of an unhealthy relationship

There are four key behaviours that can indicate an unhealthy relationship, and can lead to a separation. These are:

• Constant criticism: feeling judged or put down often

• Contempt: sarcasm, name-calling, or being made to feel small

• Defensiveness: blaming, not listening, or refusing to take responsibility

• Stonewalling: withdrawing, going silent, or emotionally shutting down

Qualities of an abusive relationship

If you're constantly feeling anxious, criticised, controlled, or afraid , that’s not a healthy relationship.

Abuse can happen in any relationship, and it’s never your fault. Abuse isn’t just physical. It can be:

• Emotional: being put down, manipulated, blamed, or gaslit

• Verbal: being shouted at, insulted, or threatened

• Sexual: being pressured or forced into anything sexual

• Financial: having money controlled or taken from you

• Controlling or isolating: being cut off from friends or monitored

• Physical: any violence or harm to your body

If you have dealt with any of these behaviours, talking to a trusted friend, therapist or support service can be helpful. If you're scared, confused, or feel something’s not right, there are people who can help.

Get in touch with:

• Refuge - the national domestic violence charity
• Men's Advice Line
• Women’s Aid - you can call and speak to someone who can provide advice. Contact them on 0808 2000 247.

You are entitled to legal aid if you are being domestically abused. The GOV.UK website explains where to get help and what situations qualify for legal aid.

You should search for a solicitor who is legal aid registered, and they will explain how they can help you access free support. Search the Resolution database or Court Nav for assistance in obtaining legal aid advice specialising in domestic abuse.

What to do if you’re in an unhealthy relationship?

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you shouldn’t accept it. There are ways to improve it, or you might consider ending the relationship.

Deciding whether or not to end your relationship is a big decision. You can try this short activity to help you work out how you feel about your relationship.

Answer these two sets of questions below. The first set of questions are prompts to help you start thinking about the specifics of the relationship. The second set are questions you can answer alone, or invite your partner to consider them too:

• Do you know what your needs are in a relationship? Does your partner fulfil your needs?
• After you argue, do you and your partner sort things out and resolve issues? Or do you let the argument and resentments linger?
• How long have the issues you are most concerned about been a feature of your relationship?
• Are any of these ‘danger’ traits present in your relationship: constant criticism, contempt (e.g. name calling), defensiveness (not listening), stonewalling (ignoring each other/sulking)?
• How does it feel if you imagine life without your partner?

You might find it helpful to write your answers down and then come back to them when you are in a different state of mind or mood. What changes, if anything? When? Can you figure out why? Remember to be careful to keep these notes private.

Now work through these questions:

• List what makes you unhappy about the relationship – be specific
• List what you can change and what you’d like your partner to change to improve things – again, be specific
• You can either discuss with your partner or decide for yourself: Is change possible? Am I/are they motivated to change?

Write a few sentences about what you conclude having completed steps 1-3.

‘I’ve tried these steps, and they haven’t worked, should I leave?’

If you’re still unsure about whether to stay or go, then speaking with a relationship counsellor can be very helpful. They can listen to your situation, help you work through your feelings, and advise you on what next steps to take.

Useful links

We have a team of relationship and emotional support experts ready to talk to you.

We have more guides and advice on wellbeing and relationships here [LINK: WELLBEING CATEGORY PAGE].