Sue Atkins, Parenting Expert, discusses how the process of divorcing can vary depending on the age and personalities of your children. Read…

Separation & divorce: helping teens adjust positively

Sue Atkins, internationally recognised Parenting Expert, discusses how the process of divorcing can vary depending on the age and personalities of your children. Read her helpful guide on…

## The process of divorcing can vary depending on the age and personalities of your children.

How the news hits a three-year-old is very different to how a 15-year-old understands and reacts to the news - that’s why it’s important to include your teenager in your discussions around your contact arrangements where it feels appropriate, to avoid resentment building up between all of you. Of course, don’t hand over all the power to your teenager because you feel guilty about what’s happening, but on the other hand, don’t totally exclude them as their life has been turned upside down too. 

Make some quality time to sit down and talk about what might work for your teenager (I always suggest striking when the iron is cold!)  and you are not stressed, angry or maybe going to be interrupted by your mobile phones.

*Have the intention to listen with an open mind. This is not about scoring points; this is about moving your family forward with respect and grace into the next stage of your lives.*

Discuss living arrangements and listen to your teenagers’ opinions and thoughts with an open mind, to do what’s best for them.

I suggest putting a photo of your children in your pocket when you do this to remind you that they are important, their opinions have value, and they need support going through this challenging time of change. 

It’s important that as parents you put your child’s well-being at the heart of the process and I have created a [Divorce Conversational Cards](https://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/product/co-parenting-positively-after-divorce) series to support you as you navigate the choppy waters of change.

Teenagers are striving for independence at this time in their lives - moving away from spending huge amounts of time with parents and preferring to hang out with their friends, so this needs to be handled with care to make sure contact is kept regularly, to keep the family relationship healthy, while respecting their needs to see their friends more during this stage in their development. 

One of the hardest things you will have to do as a divorced parent is to encourage your children to go with your ex when they don’t want to go, particularly as they turn into teens and want to spend more time with their friends.

But as a parent, I think it’s important that you encourage, and insist, that your children spend time with their other parent. Marriages end but family relationships are forever. They need nurturing, watering, and feeding if they are to grow and bloom.

Of course, you have a duty of care to make sure that no physical, mental, or sexual harm will happen to them, but I really believe that it’s your job to encourage them to have a relationship with their other parent.

You may not be able to stand your ex anymore, let alone love them, but they are your child’s Mum or Dad, and they love them, and your children will benefit from having a loving relationship with them throughout their lives.

Some children don’t handle change well, so the transition can be challenging or quite difficult. You will be doing your children a huge favour if you work to make it as smooth as possible. NOT easy but important.

## Five tips to help your child adjust to family change:

#### 1. Don’t let your own anger, resentment or anxiety spill out and into your children over them leaving you

Keep the bigger picture of your parenting. Just press your imaginary pause button and remember why it’s important for your children to spend time with their Mum or Dad. 

If your children feel that you aren’t okay with them going to see their other parent, then they aren’t going to be happy. They will pick up unconsciously on your vibes and feel guilty and that’s too much responsibility for a child and not what you want for them.

Of course, let them know that you will miss them while they are away, but you are glad that they are going to be able to spend time with their other parent. You can Skype, Whatsapp or text but don’t overdo it – it’s their time to bond with their other parent so don’t over interrupt. If you know things that are planned for that time, then remind them in an enthusiastic way so they have something great to look forward to. Be positive, upbeat and a grown-up! Plan something nice for yourself to do to stop yourself fretting, worrying, or feeling jealous.

#### 2. Be mindful that it may be a good idea for you to keep your plans to yourself about what you’re doing while the children are away

Especially, if it is something they would really love to do with you too. If they feel like you are doing something fun without them, they may not want to go and see their other parent. 

If they ask you what you will be doing, let them know the basic things such as cleaning, working, reading a book or watching a film as those types of things that they see you take part in all the time. I also encourage the non-resident parent to do the ‘boring’ stuff too – life is not all about Disney World and holidays in Dubai! It’s about doing your homework and eating your broccoli!

#### 3. Encourage and plan for your child to take favourite toys, games, or items to their other parent’s home that are familiar

This can help to reassure them, help them settle and help them to relax. Have a set of uniform in both houses if it helps, buy two pairs of socks, pyjamas or trainers and don’t impose too many limitations – make it easy, and relaxed to have two homes.

#### 4. Create routines that give your child a sense of security and let your children know that schedule

Put up a large diary on the fridge in the kitchen so your children can see what’s happening that week and that day. They might like to mark the days on the calendar until they will be with their other parent for the Summer holidays or on their ‘days with Dad’ and it will make it less confusing for them, particularly if they are young ,and for teens it creates a sense of ownership. 

#### 5. Help your child prepare for being with their other parent

You can give them gentle reminders such as telling them that tomorrow they will be going to their Dad’s house. You can also let them know a couple of hours before the transition will take place. Try to have a mutual agreement with your ex that the children can call, Skype, text or email either parent when they want to. This way you can remind them they can give you a call later to tell you how they are doing.

It can be difficult at times to put on a smile and encourage your children to go with their other parent, particularly on birthdays, Christmas, or other social occasions. Yet it is something you need to do for them to be happy with the changes and to adjust without damage.

*Consistency, respect, and dignity are key to the success around the changes and creating your own new traditions will help everyone adjust over time.* 

While divorce isn’t going to be easy for them, or you, your children, regardless of their age, are going to need the love and support of both of you to help get them through it. Don’t fail to realise how important it is for your child to share time with both of you. Studies have shown that children who spend time with both parents after a divorce grow up happy, confident, resilient and with strong self-esteem. Make sure your child is one of them.

## Developmental issues for children in divorce

### 12 to 14: key developmental issues

* Older children have a greater capacity to understand issues related to divorce depending also on their maturity.
* They can take part in discussions and ask questions to increase their understanding.
* They are also beginning to want more independence and naturally also start to question your parental authority, so add the anger, confusion and instability to the mix and you may find you have a volatile teen on your hands.
* At this age relationships outside the family increasingly important and friends take on a much bigger importance in your child’s life.

### What to watch for:

*Irritability and anger are common, at both parents or at the parent who moved out or who instigated the divorce. It can be hard to gauge how much of a young teen’s moodiness, sullenness or emotional changes are related to the divorce. So, stay grounded, calm and open to conversations and try not to become overwhelmed with The Big G of Guilt.*

### Parental priorities:

Keep the lines of communication open – build bridges, not walls between you, as that decreases the chances of emotional problems slipping under the radar and escalating. Children in this age group can be a bit harder to reach, and sometimes they act as if they don’t want to be reached, or that they don’t care. But most teens and preteens still need and crave connection with you. In fact, they may well be testing you to see how much you love them – so reach out and don’t back off.

### 15-18: key developmental issues

* Conflict over what they want for themselves and others.
* They may feel torn between you both as parents.
* They are most likely to feel anger – usually directed at one parent or the other for messing up their life.
* They may feel ashamed or embarrassed about the divorce. Any public display of parental disagreement is extremely uncomfortable for children at this age. 
* They often worry about you and feel tremendous responsibility for your well-being.

The main developmental task for teenagers is getting themselves ready to leave home and live responsibly on their own. While they may function and act like adults in many ways, they are not yet fully-fledged mature adults. There are still some developmental milestones to be met in their emotional and moral development. So be patient as it may feel like one step forward and three steps back some days.

Teenagers are often not able to look realistically at the future. They lack real-world experience and may still believe that bad things only happen to other people.

## What teenagers experience in divorce

* They may feel anxiety about leaving home.
* They may feel responsible for the divorce.
* They may believe that the parent who has moved away no longer loves them.
* They may worry about their plans for the future and have concerns that there isn’t enough money now, due to the separation, to carry them out.
* They may feel rejected, neglected or side-lined.
* They may feel frightened or burdened by a parent’s neediness, confusion, anger or distress.
* They may resent you as parents for messing up their life. They are also likely to feel embarrassed or ashamed about the divorce.

### How to recognise signs of distress:

* Leaving home earlier than planned.
* Talking of delaying their own plans so they can be at home to help out or to look after you.
* Fear about leaving home because there will be no home to come back to.
* Being extremely negative and/or critical of one or both parents.
* Increased aggression.
* Watch out for alcohol or drug abuse, suspension from school, getting into fights, running away from home, sudden drop in school performance, withdrawal from activities and friends, self-injuring behaviour, and getting into trouble with the law.

### What you can do to help:

* Be a positive model for your children how to take care of yourself and deal with your feelings.
* Offer love, encouragement, and support.
* Remember to stay in the role of parent even when it may be tempting to be a friend to your teen. Your kids may have many friends, but they only need two parents, and your child still needs you to be their parent. State your expectations clearly and set consistent boundaries with consequences.
* Encourage your teenager to continue having plans for their life. Don’t encourage or allow them to postpone their plans because of you or what’s happened.
* Be discreet about your sexual activities as it’s important to be the kind of role model that teaches your kids responsible sexual behaviour.
* Give your teen your verbal and emotional permission to know and love their other parent. Encourage them to spend time with their other parent. You may have split up but family relationships are forever.
* Tell your teenager often that you love them and ruffle their hair, give them a hug and show affection. They may pretend to not like it but physical love is important – no matter how old your teenager is.
* Allow your teenager to have an opinion about the co-parenting timetable and be prepared to make some changes in the schedule as your child becomes older and more independent. This is especially relevant if you have had a parenting plan in place for several years. Remember things change!
* Don’t take it personally if your teen chooses to spend more time with their other parent. In this developmental stage it isn’t unusual for kids to want to spend more time with their same-sex parent.
* If you are the parent who has moved out of the house, remain involved as a parent. Make efforts to stay in touch with your teen through phone calls, e-mail, attending their assorted functions, and getting together for meals.

### What to watch for:

1. Sullenness, anxiety, hiding in their rooms for long periods of time, anger, outbursts, not eating. Find a time to chat about how they are feeling that doesn’t appear forced or too contrived, perhaps when you are both in the car or walking the dog. Keep the pressure to talk off and allow conversations can flow more easily. Listen more than you talk.

2. Be ready for opinions, judgements and confrontation but make sure your children know that you love them and whilst you have split up from their Mum or Dad you both love them unconditionally and they were not to blame.

3. Don’t become tempted to confide too much information to your child. They are your children NOT your friend.

## Surviving the split

Research shows that three factors help children of any age adjust after divorce: having a strong relationship with both parents (when possible and when the child wants it); plain good, consistent parenting; and minimal exposure to conflict. No real surprises there. The challenge for parents is pulling it off! It’s not always easy but it’s going to be worth it.

### Nurturing the bond between you

The loss of a strong parent-child relationship after divorce can happen when one parent drifts out of a child’s life, for whatever reason or when one parent (or both) undermines the other’s relationship with the child. Children caught in the crossfire don’t thrive as well as children whose wellbeing is put at the heart of the process.

You can’t control all of these factors or your ex, but what you can do, apart from maintaining your own strong, loving ties with your child, is to respect their relationship with their other parent. If you criticise their other parent in front of them, you are essentially devaluing their relationship and they may never recover from that.

### Positive Parenting

It’s hard to maintain normal good parenting when you are grieving, angry, depressed, isolated, or transfixed in fear about where you are going to live, preoccupied with lawyers, court dates and lack of money. But do your best to keep the adult issues separate from your interactions with your children and get outside help like counselling or parent coaching if you need it. Research has shown that parents who get the support they need are far more confident, and have clarity, direction, and positivity through the stressful process.

## My five top tips for reducing conflict

1. Put respect and dignity at the centre of your intentions. Limit the conversations when exchanging the children. Stick to the basics like confirming pickup and drop-off times. Keep it business-like and polite.

2. Don’t use children to send messages back and forth with your ex. This makes them pawns in an adult game and it’s not fair.

3. Exchange important details in writing. Some parents use email; texts, or WhatsApp while others use a book that goes back and forth with the children. There are apps for this sort of communication that you can both download. If things are really tense, have someone else (a counsellor, mediator or a friend) screen your email for inflammatory language before you send it. Press your imaginary Pause Button and always send when the iron is cold, you haven’t had a glass of wine and you’re not angry.

4. Respect your child’s other parent’s time with them. Be on time (or have your children ready) for pickups. Make sure anything they need to take with them (homework, clothes, special equipment) is ready as well. It is the oil that lubricates the transition to make it less stressful for everyone.

5. Respect your ex-partner’s privacy. You have a different relationship now; you’re aiming for more of a business-type partnership. You don’t need to know as much about his or her personal life as you once did. So don’t keep asking your kids for bits of information. Focus on healing yourself first.

Here is my article [The 7 Stages Of Recovery During A Divorce](https://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/2019/05/the-7-stages-of-recovery-during-a-divorce) which many people have found to be helpful.


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Advice to help teens adjust to your divorce

A divorce or separation can be a difficult time for everyone, including children. These dos and don'ts contain practical examples of successful co-parenting.

10+ co-parenting dos and don'ts with practical examples | amicable

A divorce or separation can be a difficult time for everyone, including your children and other family members. But remember, while you are no longer together, you are of course still parents. And you can definitely still be the supportive, reliable and compassionate parent you were before.

As new co-parents, try to put aside your differences and focus on the long-term wellbeing of your children. Successful co-parenting can provide stability and security for your children, raising them to be happy, confident and resilient – despite parents living apart.

[Co-parenting amicably](https://amicable.io/divorce-diagnostic) alongside your ex will also allow your children to enjoy a close relationship with both of you. Co-parenting can be challenging at times, but it is well worth it…

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## Co-parenting benefits for your children

Through your new co-parenting partnership, your children will learn that they are more important than the conflict that ended your marriage or relationship. Over time, they will come to understand that your love for them is unconditional – despite the changing circumstances – as you always have their best interests at heart.

There are a number of benefits for children if separated parents have a cooperative relationship. This will help them:

* **Feel secure.** When a child is confident that both of their parents love them, they adjust more quickly and easily to divorce and everyone’s new living circumstances. As a result, they have better self-esteem and self-confidence.
* **Benefit from consistency.** Having [common ground for rules](https://amicable.io/discipline-and-co-parenting) around bedtimes, technology and homework means your children know what to expect and what’s expected of them. This will help them feel more at ease and cause less stress and disruption.
* **Learn effective problem-solving.** Children who see their parents continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to calmly solve problems for themselves.
* **Follow a healthy example.** By cooperating with their other parent, you are establishing a blueprint for your children that they can carry into the future to build and maintain strong relationships for themselves. You are a role model in everything that you do and say – this is your opportunity to be a positive one.
* **Be less stressed and anxious.** Children exposed to high levels of conflict between co-parents are more likely to develop mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. An amicable co-parenting relationship can reduce this risk and boost your children’s everyday mood and long-term wellbeing.

## How to make co-parenting work

The key to [successful co-parenting](https://amicable.io/coparenting-app) is separating your past, personal relationship with your ex, from your current, co-parenting relationship. This is difficult but important. 

It may help to think of your current relationship as a more business-like relationship. Others prefer to think about it as a completely new relationship – one that is entirely about the wellbeing of your children and not about either of you.

One simple tip is to put a photograph of your kids on the table or beside you when you are speaking to your ex about arrangements or events. It will help you focus on what’s important in the conversation and stop you from falling into unhelpful thought patterns of blame, anger or resentment. Your marriage or relationship may be over, but your family is not – acting in your children’s best interest is your most important priority. 

The first step to being a successful, dependable co-parent is to always put your children’s needs ahead of your own.

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## Co-parenting dos

### Tip 1. Aim to be flexible

It benefits everyone to be flexible. Pick-up and drop-off times can be a source of stress and anxiety for children, so aim to remain upbeat if things change at the last minute. And try not to criticise your ex in front of your children, no matter what you’re thinking inside!

Also, your co-parenting plans will need to adapt as your child grows up and their needs and circumstances change – for example, when they start secondary school or become more sociable and independent as a teenager.

### Tip 2. Try to accept different parenting styles

Your former partner’s parenting style might change without you around, or it may have been a source of conflict before. This might take some getting used to, especially if your former partner has different values or beliefs.

Both co-parents would stick to a set of common ground rules in an ideal world, providing your children with a consistent lifestyle wherever they. But we know that this isn’t always possible. 

Take the longer-term view. They may eat popcorn and stay up too late on Fridays at your ex’s, but during their time with you, they go to bed on time, eat their broccoli and do their homework. Try not to sweat the small stuff. 

Plus, there can be advantages to this. As long as your child is safe and secure, [different parenting approaches](https://amicable.io/joint-advice-consultation) and styles can help your child learn that different rules apply in different situations.

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### Tip 3. Help your child feel connected and bonded to their other parent

If it’s not too upsetting for you, you could keep a framed photo of your family, or a photo of your child with your ex, in your child’s bedroom. You may have parted ways, but they may well miss their other parent and appreciate a photo of them.

Try to be positive about what your child is doing when they are at their other parent’s house.For example: ‘Wow, that looks like a great garden. What a fun weekend you’ve had building a den!’

Encourage your child to send WhatsApp messages, texts or emails or make phone calls to their other parent when they are with you. Even if your child’s other parent lives close by, it’s good for your child to be in regular contact with them. It helps keep both parental relationships easy, relaxed and natural.

### Tip 4. Keep your former partner in the loop

Your child will benefit when their other parent knows what’s going on for them. You and your former partner could keep each other up to date by using a shared online calendar or app that lists your child’s weekly schedule, plus any special events. It shows respect for the other parent too.

Contact your child’s school to make sure your former partner gets duplicates of school records and newsletters, so there are no misunderstandings or accusations later down the line.

### Tip 5. Share tasks, activities and events

You might want your former partner to be involved in or take responsibility for tasks like doctor or dentist visits or school outings. If you’re on good terms, you could plan to go to activities like parent-teacher interviews or school concerts together.

If you’re not able to go together, you’ll need to plan who’s going to which event or how you’ll handle it if you’re both there.

### Tip 6. Give your ex-partner some time to learn the ropes

If you did most of the day-to-day caring for your [children](https://amicable.io/separating-with-children-service) before your separation, your former partner might take a little time to learn about the practical side of caring for your children. It can be tempting to make fun of them or be critical, but pointing out the positives is much better for everyone.

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### Tip 7. Be prepared for your negative feelings

When your child is with their other parent, you might feel a sense of loss, loneliness, disappointment or even anger. It can help if you try to look at the positive side. For example, time apart from your child can give you a chance to rest, relax and pursue your personal relationships, hobbies or interests. Never make your child feel guilty or responsible for your happiness, as that puts an unfair amount of much pressure on them.

Make plans for when your child is away. You could arrange to do some exercise, see friends for a meal, visit family, watch a film or take a long hot bath with a good book.

### Tip 8. Create a parenting plan

A [parenting plan](https://amicable.io/parenting-plan-ebook) will help you agree in advance on the kind of contact you’ll have with your child during weekends, birthdays or holidays. For example, your kids may call, email or text their Mum or Dad when they are with you. Be positive and put on a happy face for your child – this will help them feel relaxed as they love being with both of you despite what’s happened between you.

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### Tip 9. Don’t be afraid to be boring
 
Research shows that children need time to do ordinary things with their less-seen parents, not just fun things.

## Co-parenting don’ts

### Tip 10. Don’t sabotage your child’s relationship with their other parent 

Although your relationship with your ex may not have worked out, remember that they are still Mummy or Daddy to your child. Trying to get in the way of that is not only unfair to your child, but it can often backfire – your child may end up resenting you for it rather than your ex-partner. Your child needs to have healthy relationships with both of you.

### Tip 11. Don’t criticise or speak ill of your ex-partner in front of your children

When you put down your ex, your child feels as though you are putting them down as well. Children should be allowed to be carefree and not feel burdened with grown-up problems.

### Tip 12. Don’t encourage your child choose sides 

Burdening them with any arguments or disagreements you are having with your co-parent is never helpful. t Try to avoid discussing topics that they won’t understand or don’t need to know.  

### Tip 13. Don’t use your child to manipulate your ex 

The only one that gets hurt when you do that is your child. Being a pawn in a game that they don’t understand is not fair to them. Using your child as a bargaining chip is one of the worst things you can do in a co-parenting situation. Remember, your children are young people with feelings, emotions and choices of their own, they’re not objects.

### Tip 14. Don’t accuse – discuss

If you find out something that your ex may have done or said, don’t always assume the worst and pick a fight – particularly not in front of your children. First, wait until the iron is cold and ask for a calm discussion. It’s not about bottling up your feelings, just finding the right moment to open up – children can sense conflict and negative feelings even when they’re unsaid.

### Tip 15. Never transfer your angry feelings towards your co-parent onto your children

Your kids are already dealing with the loss of the family unit and their old way of life. They need your support, love and trust to navigate these new choppy waters of life.

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## Don’t struggle in silence

Co-parenting requires lots of cooperation and the mindset to make it work for the good of your children. It requires letting go of angry reactions to your differences, and that can take time.

To be a great co-parent you need to learn to put aside resentments from the past. Practise transparent communication and the ability to negotiate differences. Successful co-parenting isn’t easy, but the reward of your child’s healthy development and wellbeing make it all worthwhile. 

If you’re finding this too difficult right now, there are other ways to move forward. Our [Separating with Children Service](https://amicable.io/separating-with-children-service) provides co-parents with a space to speak about their disagreements in the presence of a specialist. They can help you negotiate and come to an agreement that works for your whole family.

Book a [free 15-minute consultation](https://calendly.com/d/crj-93m-rp4) to find out more about the service and if it’s right for you.

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## Co parenting examples FAQs

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We recommend you review your [parenting plan](https://amicable.io/parenting-plan-ebook) at least once a year or when significant changes occur, such as a new school, relocation or changes in your child's needs. [amicable](https://calendly.com/d/crj-93m-rp4) can assist with [revising and updating your plan](https://amicable.io/separating-with-children-service).
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Yes, co-parenting plans can be flexible to accommodate life changes. [amicable](https://amicable.io/about-amicable) can guide you through the process of [updating your plan](https://amicable.io/separating-with-children-service) when necessary, ensuring both parents remain aligned on the child’s care.
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Differences in parenting styles are common, but with amicable's support, you can establish guidelines that respect both parents’ approaches while maintaining consistency for your child. [Our team can help resolve these discussions](https://amicable.io/separating-with-children-service), so both parents feel comfortable with the shared approach.
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Author "Sue Atkins" posts