As a parent, it can be difficult to balance all your responsibilities - and this becomes even more challenging when you and your partner decide to end your relationship. Many co-parents can feel strongly that all household and parental responsibilities should be shared equally, but in reality a true 50/50 split might not always be possible.

What can make 50/50 co-parenting difficult?

Ideally, many co-parents hope for an ‘ideal’ outcome of 50/50 co-parenting: made up of equal time, equal responsibility and equal involvement in a child’s life. Unfortunately, the reality can be quite different. Achieving a truly equal split can be far more complex, as you have to consider:

• Work schedules (including conferences, overseas travel and deadlines)
• School schedules
• The time and distance to travel between two households
• Your child’s social activities and personal relationship with each co-parent
• Different parenting styles and routines
• Emotional strain between co-parents or shared family

Day-to-day routines, including school pick-ups, parent events at school and homework activities do allow for some flexibility - but it can be challenging to plan for the more high-stress moments. Throughout the year, you’ll face common pressure points around back-to-school, holidays and important exam dates.

That’s where co-parent communication and the right tools become essential.

Why shared parenting (not a perfect 50/50 split) is better

Shared parenting can help create a sustainable, long-term relationship with your co-parent that supports both of your needs - and keeps your child at the centre. For children, this arrangement means that they have strong and trusting relationships with both parents because they know that both of you can work together as a team in times of stress. This isn’t just about dividing time and resources 50/50. It’s about children spending meaningful time with each parent and that they grow up with love and support.

The benefits of shared parenting:

• Shared parenting changes as children grow, with plans reviewed and changed over time
• It gives children access to both parents in a flexible way - not just a rigid structure of one weekend on, one weekend off
• Both parents are recognised as having equal importance in their child’s life

To make shared parenting as smooth as possible, you can involve your co-parent in a wider range of responsibilities to lighten the load. This could be listing both of you as emergency contacts, having equal access to school portals, emails and WhatsApp groups. When you’re both able to access the same information, it’s easier to be on the same page and make decisions as a team, whether it’s about pick-up schedules or your child’s education.

What can help co-parenting feel fairer and more balanced?

As a parent, the important times in your child’s life can be full of excitement, but they can also be stressful - putting pressure on even the most cooperative co-parenting relationships. During these moments a lot more communication is needed, and it can be more important to both parents to have things feel ‘fair’ - even if this might not be realistically possible.

Discussing when flexibility is needed

Things won’t be equal between you 100% of the time. A little flexibility can help take the pressure off.

One of our Divorce Specialists, Anthony, says:

‘You have to be prepared to be flexible when it comes to co-parenting. One of you will get ill, need to work late or whatever else might come up, leaving the other parent to pick up the slack. It might be short notice, but it happens. You have to allow for this, and know that when you need them to step in, they will.’

Regular check-ins with your co-parent

If you don’t check in with each other, it can sometimes feel like decisions are being made independently instead of together. Try to remember that you’re a team, and that you need to be aware of what’s going on with each other.

Use tools and reminders to stay updated

There is a lot that goes into co-parenting. You can’t be expected to remember everything, but letting things slip can derail plans, or worse, let your child down. Tools and systems like a shared calendar or a co-parenting app where you can store key information and set reminders can really help to keep you both in the loop.

Remember to stay focused on your child, not your co-parent

Keeping the focus on your child can reduce disagreements with your co-parent. You both want to make sure that your children have everything they need to feel safe, supported and loved. This could mean that you focus on the best outcome for your family rather than what you and your co-parent feels is fair.

What can help you and your co-parent stay child-focused?

• Both encourage your child to feel safe to share what’s on their mind
• Coordinate with each other about purchasing a second set of school uniform, sports kit and stationery for both homes to reduce the stress of forgotten items
• Stay respectful in front of your children, family and teachers
• If you can, celebrate events together (school plays, achievements and sports days)
• Agree on a structured routine for your child at each household

Particularly if you’re busy working on new arrangements after your separation, it can be confusing for your children to understand what’s expected of them. Where possible, involve them in planning new routines to help them feel secure - whether that’s a more mature conversation with your teenager, or explaining changes more simply when telling a younger child.

Life happens. It can be helpful to be willing to adjust plans if your co-parent has something unexpected come up, is unwell or has an issue to work through. By sharing the mental load, it’s easier to rely on each other and create a child-focused relationship that stays present - from supporting each other in attending school events or helping with homework.

Co-parenting during holidays and special occasions

Holidays and shared occasions (such as birthdays and Christmas) can often carry more emotions. These need to be carefully considered and navigated with compassion - both you and your co-parent will have views about how you want these to be split.

If you’re looking to hear from expert guests and parents like you, listen to the episodes about children and parenting apart on The Divorce Podcast.

Some ideas for your co-parenting holiday schedule

1. Discuss alternative years for big holidays (Christmas, Easter and birthdays)
2. Split longer holidays or time off for annual leave (half of summer with one parent, half with the other)
3. Use amicable’s co-parenting app to plan both of your schedules in advance
4. Don’t forget to discuss your ideas with your children, which can help them feel involved as they get older

Simple steps for your back-to-school routine

Back-to-school can be a busy time for parents, and even more so for your children. After time off, it’s difficult to get back into a routine, especially as your child may be attending a different school, or have new academic goals and social circles.

There are a few things you can do to get ready for this busy time:

• Share the school run (where possible) to stay in touch with school life
• Decide what roles you both play in homework, social and extracurricular activities during the week
• Alternate school holidays and events so each of you has quality time with your family
• If you can, include grandparents or wider family in your plans for support and to keep building these important relationships
• Younger children may need you both to be more hands-on, while an older child’s needs can look different

Once you’ve planned with your co-parent, don’t forget to bring your child into the conversation to find out what preferences they might have. This keeps them reassured and part of the process - giving them choices that will help to shape how your parenting plan develops as they grow.

What if we can’t agree?

It’s completely normal to disagree with your co-parent. There are many different challenges and life stages you will face together, especially now that your relationship has changed. Most co-parents find it difficult to find a balance that works for them - and this is why agreeing on a structure at the beginning can make moving forward much simpler. Having a written, flexible parenting plan can help both of you feel like a team. A parenting plan includes the practical and emotional aspects of how your relationship as parents is likely to change - and all the different issues you’ll have to agree on and manage to nurture your family.

How amicable can help

If you need more support, amicable’s Co-parenting Specialists can help you both work out a tailored plan to support your child’s needs. Our experts can help you reduce conflict, find solutions and stay child-focused. Every Co-parenting Plan session is followed up with a custom parenting plan that covers what you and your co-parent agreed on - and how to work together when more flexibility is needed.

Find out more about our Separating with Children Service here.

The amicable co-parenting app is made for co-parents like you

The amicable co-parenting app is an all-in-one solution to manage all aspects of co-parenting. Parenting apps can help sort out the practicalities, so you can take the stress out of co-parenting and focus on being present with your child.

With a shared calendar, parenting goals, secure messaging and an expense tracker - these features help keep things simple. We know that having a reliable tool makes all the difference to how you and your co-parent communicate.

Find out more and start your shared subscription today.

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