Separating with pets: the guide to planning pet arrangements

Separating from your partner is one of life’s most emotionally difficult challenges, and this can feel even more complex if pets are involved. Sharing your life with a much-loved cat, dog or small pet provides comfort, unconditional love and companionship.

When one person leaves the home, or the environment suddenly changes, it can place stress on the entire household, including your pet’s wellbeing. You might notice changes in your pet’s behaviour, especially as you will be facing your own emotional journey.

This guide will help you decide how to support your pet through this transition, and choose what option is in their best interest. Or, if you can’t agree on an outcome for your pet, you could ask one of our Separating with Pets Specialists.

How to spot if your pet is stressed during separation or divorce

It’s important to provide your pet with as much structure as possible during this transition. However, try to keep things simple and manageable, so you’re still able to look after yourself.

Dogs, cats and small pets will show different signs of stress if the dynamic of your household changes post-separation. You may notice the following behaviours:

• Increased vocalisation (separation anxiety, barking or whining)
• Destructive behaviours that feel out of character for your pet
• Hiding or appearing more fearful
• Loss of appetite
• Flare-ups of any known health conditions
• Unusual sleep routines or restlessness
• Toileting indoors

If you’re concerned about any changes you notice, it’s always a good idea to contact your veterinary practice to ask for guidance or to rule out any other health issues. In the meantime, you can provide your pet with extra cuddles and stick to their usual routine as closely as possible to create stability.

You can also help your pet by providing more exercise and enrichment activities (like cardboard to shred, lickimats or a new toy) to keep their minds occupied and help them relax. New training can also be a good distraction and fun activity for both of you.

Organisations like Blue Cross, Cat’s Protection and RSPCA have helpful blogs, enrichment ideas and resources to help pet owners through difficult transitions.

Your options for caring for your pet after separation or divorce

There are many practical decisions to make about the care of your pet and the way your life may change post-separation. Choosing how to move forward with the wellbeing of your pet in mind can be an enormous act of selflessness, even if the decision is not what you would have wanted.

Here are some options for the care and ownership of your pet:

Option 1: Whoever owned the pet before the relationship started will retain ownership, if their circumstances allow for your pet to have a good quality of life

Option 2: If you welcomed your pet into your family as a couple, you could decide as a team which one of you will be able to provide them a stable, fulfilling and permanent home

Option 3: If you both feel you’re open to a ‘co-petting’ arrangement, you could divide up time between your two homes, split expenses, share visits with children or family members, and discuss who would look after your pet over important holidays

Option 4: Rehoming your pet if you both feel you are unable to reach an agreement

Five practical tips for pet finances and wellbeing if you’re separated or divorced

If you decide to keep your pet during the separation period, or are still navigating how your post-split co-petting arrangement will look, we’ve got some top tips to make this transition easier and stress-free for your pet:

1. Discuss who will be responsible for covering the costs of food, medication, insurance, annual vaccinations and check-ups
2. Make arrangements for holidays in advance, plans to cover the cost of a pet-sitter, boarding kennel/cattery if neither of you are available and discuss a plan for keeping things smooth if you decide to split important holidays
3. Keep things calm for your pet by offering them quiet places and sticking to their walking and feeding routine – even if you live in different households
4. Avoid heated arguments or erratic behaviour around pets and choose neutral locations for difficult conversations to keep their home environment a safe space
5. Discuss how challenging health decisions will be handled if your pet becomes ill, especially if they are over eight years old and/or have pre-existing conditions

How to communicate with your ex-partner about your pet

Deciding to separate or divorce is already a huge life transition, but this can become even more emotional if there are much-loved pets involved. Pets are a deeply connected part of the household, and have strong bonds with each family member. Unlike children or an ex-partner, it is not possible to communicate with your pet that things will change, which can often add extra guilt, stress and confusion to a separation.

This tension can make communication with an ex-partner difficult, especially if one of you feels more entitled to make decisions because your pet seems closer to you.

Top tips for keeping conversations pet-focused:

• Stay emotionally regulated to keep conversations useful
• Put your pet’s wellbeing first in conversations, rather than becoming defensive and combative with your ex-partner about your relationship
• Gently remind your partner that working together will mean less stress for your pet
• If you decide to meet up and discuss your pet, send an agenda ahead of time with the key topics you want to cover to help stay solutions-focused
• Don’t use your pet as a bargaining tool or restrict your ex from seeing your pet during the separation
• Stay flexible and open to sharing weekends, playtime and responsibilities

How our Separating with Pets Service works

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know the correct step to take if you both want to share the care of your pet. You may disagree on a few aspects of the arrangement, or feel unsure of how this would work long term.

Our Separating with Pets Service is a 90-minute consultation facilitated by an experienced Specialist. Your Specialist will help you and your ex-partner agree all aspects of your co-petting arrangement (if you’ve decided this is what you both want), and guide you through prioritising your pet’s wellbeing and formalising the details.

If you’re separating with pets and need help agreeing key points of care, book a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your situation and how we can help put your pet first.