Rebuilding your identity after divorce

Your relationship can become a large part of your personality. Once you’re divorced, even if you did so amicably, you can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. It can have a profound impact on how you see yourself.

Divorce can be an opportunity to re-evaluate yourself and what you want from life. If you didn’t like the person you were during your marriage, you can change. If you loved who you were before your marriage, that version of you still exists.

Our co-founder, Kate, spoke with author Rosie Green on healing from separation:

Let’s look at how to rebuild your identity after divorce.

How to rebuild your identity after divorce

Give yourself permission to grieve

You can’t begin to rebuild your identity until you’ve processed what you’ve been through. Going through a divorce can be really difficult and [hard to handle emotionally](https://amicable.space/article/how-to-deal-with-the-emotional-impact-of-divorce).

You might feel shame around your divorce, like you’re somehow guilty of some failing. You aren’t. All relationships change, and some relationships end.

Even if you know and accept that, you’ll still find yourself feeling difficult emotions after the divorce. Don’t try to avoid them: allow yourself to feel them, no matter what they are. It’s ok to feel angry, hurt or confused. No one enjoys it, but it’s part of the process and afterwards you can begin to heal.

Just sitting with these feelings can help them start to go away. If you don’t, they’ll pop up at unexpected times and get in the way of your new life.

Rebuilding takes courage and care, and doesn’t happen overnight. We often don’t have much patience for ourselves, we want to start feeling better right away. Give yourself the patience you’d give your best friend if they were going through a difficult time.

Once you’ve processed these feelings, you can begin to let them go. That frees you up emotionally to reconnect with yourself.

Reconnect with yourself

Take some time to refocus on yourself and what you like doing. Have your hobbies taken a backseat during your marriage? Have you been able to do new things that you’ve wanted to try? Now is a great time to throw yourself into them.

Something creative like painting, writing or playing music can be incredibly therapeutic, and can help you process your emotions or turn them into something beautiful. Something practical like building can help you feel more in control of your life.

Even something simple like cooking or hiking can make a huge difference to how you feel, getting your mind off the past and onto what you’re doing now.

Things to think about:

• What do you enjoy?
• What do you value?
• What do you want from the future?

Nurture existing friendships

Another way to rebuild your identity after divorce is to surround yourself with friends who support you.

After a divorce, it’s normal to doubt yourself: ‘Am I actually funny, interesting or nice to be around?’ Friendships can reinforce who you are, affirming the best parts of yourself just by being together.

Had you seen less and less of your friends during your marriage? Had someone moved away? Now you have the opportunity to rekindle some of these relationships, or strengthen them by spending more time together.

Of course the most important friendship is the one you have with yourself, so learn to enjoy your own company.

Build your confidence

The end of a relationship is a natural time to question your choices and abilities. It's important to remember that confidence is built through small, intentional actions.

**Here are some ways to start:** * Acknowledge your achievements: Reflect on your past successes, both big and small, to remind yourself of your capabilities. * Set realistic goals: Define new goals that align with your aspirations and break them down into smaller, achievable steps. * Embrace your unique journey: Don't compare your path to others. Focus on what truly matters to you. * Practice self-care: Prioritise your wellbeing through physical exercise, good nutrition and getting enough sleep. * Go out of your comfort zone: Challenge yourself by trying new hobbies or learning a new skill.

Celebrate small wins

Some days, just getting up and making breakfast can be a victory. Other days, you might get a new job, make a new friend or climb a mountain.

Anything that helps you heal or makes you happy is something worth celebrating. You no longer need to chase someone else’s version of happiness.

Watch this video on rebuilding confidence after divorce:

Ask the community

Sometimes it can really help to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. That’s why we created a forum where you can ask questions and talk about plans for your future with other members of the amicable community

Useful links

Check out the rest of our articles on life after divorce. We also have a team of relationship and emotional support experts ready to talk to you.