How to deal with the emotional impact of divorce

Dealing with the emotional impact of a divorce can be incredibly difficult. When you’ve built a life with someone, having to untangle yourselves can leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable. It can bring up feelings of anger, rejection and even long-buried fears about yourself.

We speak to so many people who are worried that their feelings are so overwhelming that they’ll never emotionally recover from divorce. It’s normal to feel like this: change is scary, and going through a divorce is a big change. People going through a divorce often say that it feels like their world is ending, but really it’s just changing to something new. The pain and uncertainty you’re feeling now won’t last forever.

It can be a lot to deal with, but here are some practical ways to cope that will make things easier, and can even help you see things in a positive light, looking towards a future that you want and have the power to create for yourself.

This article will look at: [Embracing difficult feelings](### Embrace your feelings) [Taking care of yourself](### Take care of yourself) [Making plans for the future](### Make a positive plan for the future) [Communication](### Communicate) [Further support](### Further support)

If you’d prefer to watch a video, our co-founder Kate has some advice on dealing with the difficult feelings divorce can bring up:

At amicable we help people deal with these emotions every day, and we have qualified professionals who are ready to talk things through with you and support you with how you’re feeling.

How to cope with the emotional impact of divorce

Embrace your feelings

The first step to feeling better is to embrace your emotions. This isn’t always going to be easy. Sometimes your feelings will be painful, difficult or confusing.

We often want to hide from feelings like these by burying ourselves in our work, distracting ourselves with TV or otherwise numbing ourselves to the emotional pain. We know it’s there, but we don’t want to deal with it.

But we can’t begin to heal if we don’t allow ourselves to feel that emotional pain in the first place.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to do this. Sometimes you just have to sit there and feel rubbish, take a deep breath and then carry on with your day.

Even if you were the one to initiate the divorce and you know it’s for the best, there will still be moments where you feel uncertain or that you’ve made a mistake. When this happens, don’t bottle these feelings up. It’s ok to feel scared, or angry, because feeling is the first step to properly dealing with it and then moving on.

Of course, it’s also important to embrace the positive feelings. You might be excited about a new life on the horizon, possibly with someone else. If you are, that’s great! You’re allowed to feel happy.

We speak to many people who worry that what they’re feeling is somehow wrong, leading to guilt and shame. If you’re feeling happy, that doesn’t invalidate or undo all the happiness and love you felt in your relationship previously.

Relationships are complicated, and so are our feelings about them. During the process of getting divorced, it’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions, from devastation to elation. Allow yourself to feel anything and everything without judgement.

Take care of yourself

It’s important to look after yourself during a divorce. Throughout our relationships, we can slip into bad habits, either letting our partners take care of us or neglecting ourselves while we take care of everyone else.

When going through a divorce, you have to learn to put yourself first, as it’s the best way to protect yourself and make it through the days and weeks ahead.

Ways you can look after yourself :

• Going for a walk
• Seeing friends
• Cooking your favourite meal
• Getting enough sleep

Even when putting yourself first, sometimes anxiety and other complex emotions can manifest as physical symptoms, so try to pay attention to how your body is feeling. If you’re regularly experiencing tense muscles, an elevated heart rate, restlessness or difficulty sleeping, these might be a sign that you’re feeling anxiety around the divorce, and need to give yourself a break or potentially speak to your GP.

Make a positive plan for the future

Divorce doesn’t have to be the end of your world. It can be a wonderful opportunity for change and for you to start working towards the future you want.

If you don’t know what you want, it can be exciting to think about. What do you really want for yourself and your life?

Marriage is often built on compromise, and without really meaning to, we can find ourselves putting more and more of what we planned for ourselves in a box to be ignored. Divorce lets you consider a world without compromise, where you are fully in charge of your life. That’s incredibly empowering, and should feel exciting!

Depending on your situation, a lot of things could change for the better. Where do you want to live? What do you want to do?

Consider your next steps, both in terms of the immediate future but also where you’d like to be in a year or two’s time.

Communicate

When going through divorce, some people shut down. They don’t want to talk about it, or how they’re feeling, and they stop talking to friends and family. This is completely understandable, but not always helpful, as it often leads to increased isolation.

If you find talking about your feelings difficult, you’re not alone. Plenty of people struggle with expressing themselves, and the more painful the feelings are, the more difficult it is to talk about. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.

The best way to start communicating is to have a strong network of supportive people you can talk to. Even though your friends and family may not have experience with divorce, they’ll want to help you, even if all they can do is listen. You don’t need to solve problems, or reach some kind of breakthrough in a conversation, just talking about your feelings is enough to start feeling better.

Communicating with your ex

Communicating with your ex is also important. Depending on your situation this might be difficult, but it’s a necessary part of the divorce process, and being able to communicate effectively will make things easier in the long run.

The first thing you need to do is to set boundaries with each other. If you’re looking to move forward, rehashing old arguments won’t be helpful, so that could be a useful boundary for you. Establishing a consistent tone can also help: you aren’t in a relationship, so don’t speak to each other like you are.

It can be good to establish a single point of communication , like Whatsapp or email, that can be easily accessed and referred to. This will help when it comes to searching back through messages to see what you’ve said and agreed to.

Written communication can be easier than verbal, it’s easier to say something you don’t mean or get drawn into an argument in person, as we sometimes respond before we think. When writing, you have the time to stop, take a breath and think about what you want to say. Your goal shouldn’t be to start arguments or win points, it should be to navigate the process as collaboratively as possible.

If you have children, we created a co-parenting app that allows for secure communication, but also acts as a hub for all co-parenting goals, decisions and information.

You may find it helpful to listen to our podcast episode on navigating the healing process:

Further support

If you’re routinely struggling with your emotions, and feel like you can’t cope, speak to your GP about additional support. Counselling can provide a safe space to share your feelings while learning about helpful coping strategies. The counselling directory can help you find a counsellor in your local area or online.

If you take some time to sit with your feelings, look after yourself, plan for the future and communicate about what you’re feeling, it should be easier to manage and navigate your emotions around your divorce.

Useful links

We have more explainers and guides for the divorce process at [LINK: MAIN SUBSCRIPTION PAGE].

Ask the community

Sometimes it can really help to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. That’s why we created a forum where you can ask questions and talk things through with other members of the amicable community [LINK: SUBSCRIPTION FORUM PAGE].

If you need help with anything mentioned above, or just want to talk to a Divorce Specialist who understands what you’re going through, get in touch with us for a free 15-minute consultation.