Essential guide: the emotional journey of divorce and separation

Divorce is more than just a legal process to end a marriage: it’s an emotional journey that can have a profound impact on your life.

How long it will take to recover is different from person to person, and everyone’s situation is unique. But you will go through different stages of emotions before you’re ready for the next part of your life.

It’s important to know that not everyone will experience every stage or follow this journey in exactly the same way. You and your ex may feel different things at different times in different ways, and any friends or family who’ve been through divorce may have had a very different experience to yours.

This article will look at each of the emotional stages of divorce and separation, and why it’s so important to go through them. If you’d prefer to watch a video, we have one on blame, forgiveness and the most important traits for recovery from divorce:

The emotional journey of divorce

Denial

If you weren’t expecting a divorce, you might bury your head in the sand. When something difficult and painful comes up, many of us deny that it’s happening. We can’t accept it. We don’t want it to be true. We simply ignore it.

When seeing friends or family, you might be tempted to pretend everything is fine, like nothing has happened.

But denial can’t last forever, and you’ll eventually have to process the reality of what is going on. This can be painful, but it’s the first step to getting clarity and feeling better.

What you might feel:

• Numbness
• Shock
• Distance from reality How to move on

Accept that this is happening. Easy to say and hard to do, of course, and you may not want the relationship to end, but acknowledging that it is doesn’t signal agreement, or that you didn’t want to keep trying.

You might be in a lot of pain, but recognising you have the power to influence what happens next can make a big difference to how you feel, and how your divorce will pan out.

Resistance

Resisting divorce is a natural instinct if you didn’t instigate it. It’s a big change, one that you may not have seen coming. If you still believe in the relationship, you might try bargaining by making promises or trying to fix things.

If you know the relationship is over, you might try to slow the divorce process down as much as possible. Even though you might be angry or confused, resisting the separation only makes things worse, dragging things out for you and your ex.

What you might feel:

• Anger
• Pain
• Guilt How to move on

Understand that any pain you feel is normal, and that it will go away in time. Staying angry or hostile with your ex won’t help you feel any better. You can’t control everything, but the things you can control can make a big difference to how you feel.

Staying in limbo is damaging, so acknowledging your new reality is important. You have an opportunity to start a new phase of your life, but you have to meet it head-on and manage the divorce in the best way for you. Look for the things you can control rather than resisting or trying to control your partner’s behaviour.

Exploration

Some people will reach the exploration stage quicker than others. They’re able to accept that the relationship is over, and want to see what options there are for separating and ending the marriage.

What you might feel:

• Curiosity
• Trepidation How to move on

There are multiple ways to sort out the emotional, legal, financial and co-parenting issues when you separate or divorce. Explore all your options, from emotional support to practical help, and find support that works for you. It might be that the two of you are able to reach agreements yourselves, or you might need someone to help you.

Our divorce specialists are available to explain all your options from emotional support to legal, financial, and co-parenting help, so you can make a choice that fits your family circumstances.

Commit

The final stage is acceptance and commitment to ending the marriage. No matter how you feel, it can be a big relief to know what’s ahead and how you can begin to move forward.

What you might feel:

• Sadness
• Excitement
• Fear
• Relief How to move on

Even though it may be scary, commit to the divorce and take whatever steps are needed to begin the legal process. Think about what you want for your future. Some people find this stage exciting, as it gives you the opportunity to look at your life and make big changes outside your relationship.

Now that you know what the journey will look like, check out our article on handling the emotional impact of divorce

If you’re ready to commit to getting divorced, we have a video below that explains the basics of getting started:

Ask the community

Sometimes it can really help to talk to someone who is going through the same thing. That’s why we created a forum where you can ask questions and talk about plans for your future with other members of the amicable community.

If you need help with anything mentioned above, or just want to talk to a Divorce Specialist who understands what you’re going through, get in touch with us for a free consultation.

Useful links

Check out the rest of our articles on dealing with emotions during separation