What to do if your children don't want to see one parent during divorce

One of the most painful situations in divorce is when your children say they don’t want to see one of their parents.

Maybe they’re refusing to go for their weekend visit, or they’re crying and pleading not to have to spend time with their mum or dad. Maybe they feel guilty about spending time with one parent and not the other.

This puts you in an impossible position. You don’t want to force your children to do something that upsets them, but you also know that maintaining a relationship with both parents is important.

So what can you do?

We have a video on making your children heard during divorce you might find helpful:

Don’t jump to conclusions about why

When your child says they don't want to see you or your ex, you're bound to feel concerned or hurt. Don't assume you know why they're refusing - every family situation is different, and children can have various reasons behind their feelings.

Before you make any decisions, try to understand what’s really going on with your child.

Young children are more intuitive than we think. Often they don’t want to see a parent because they’re picking up on tension between you and your ex, or because they think that’s what you want to hear.

They might feel disloyal spending time with the other parent when they can see you’re hurt.

Older children and teenagers might be resisting time with one parent because it disrupts their social life, or because that parent’s house is further from their friends.

Sometimes children are genuinely struggling with the other parent’s behaviour – maybe that parent is being too strict, or not giving them enough attention.

Work out what’s actually behind the resistance before you decide how to respond. The best way to do that is often just to talk to them.

Talk to your children

Have a calm, private conversation with your children about what’s going on.

Don’t ask leading questions because these can influence how they answer. Instead ask open questions like ‘how are you feeling about staying at Dad’s this weekend?’ or ‘can you tell me what’s worrying you about seeing Mum?’

Listen without judging or immediately trying to fix it. Let them share their feelings without fear that they’re hurting you or getting the other parent in trouble. Understanding your child's feelings is important for their wellbeing, as well as their physical and emotional health.

Reassure them that both you and their other parent love them, and that it’s okay for them to love both of you.

We also have a podcast episode on how to talk to your children about divorce you might find useful:

Talk to the other parent

This can be hard, especially if your relationship with your ex is strained. But you need to talk to them about what’s happening.

Approach it constructively. Don’t accuse them of doing something wrong. Instead, say something like ‘Sam’s been saying he doesn’t want to come this weekend. I wanted to talk to you about what might be going on and how we can help him feel more comfortable.’

You can work on this together. Perhaps visits need to be shorter at first, or the other parent needs to do more activities the children enjoy. Maybe there’s a specific issue like a new partner being around too much. Once you’ve learned what it is, you can reach a decision together, and take steps to improve the situation.

Intervention and safety

There are occasions when your child's refusal to see one parent could be connected to safety concerns, such as domestic violence or other risks that might affect their physical or emotional wellbeing.

In these circumstances, your child's welfare becomes the absolute priority, and you may need to take immediate steps to protect them.

If your child is telling you about abuse, neglect or anything that makes them unsafe, you may need to contact your GP, speak to their school or call the NSPCC helpline for advice.

In some cases, it may be necessary to stop contact through a court order to protect the child's welfare. If there are safety concerns, contact a solicitor urgently. A child arrangements order can be used to formalise safe arrangements for your child.

Court decisions and family court decisions are always made with the child's wellbeing as the top priority.

Split Happens

Split Happens is a free, UK-based digital platform designed specifically for young people aged 13 to 30 whose parents have separated or are separating. Created by amicable in partnership with Your Direction, part of separation support charity Restored Lives, it exists to help young people understand what’s happening in their family – and how it’s affecting them.

The platform offers a safe starting point: a space where questions are welcome, emotions are normalised and support is accessible.

Visit Split Happens here.

Get professional support

If the resistance continues and you can’t resolve it between you, consider getting professional help.

A family therapist can work with your children to understand what’s going on and help them process their feelings about the divorce and their relationship with both parents.

Our Separating with Children Service can support you in having difficult conversations and finding solutions that prioritise your children’s wellbeing.

We also have tools and resources that could help, like our co-parenting app and free parenting plan template.

Moving forward

It’s natural for children to struggle during divorce. Everything in their world has changed, and seeing each parent separately is part of that change.

Resistance often eases once routines are established and children adjust to their new normal. What feels impossible now might be fine in a few months.

Your job is to keep encouraging your child’s relationship with both parents while listening to their feelings.

If you need support working out shared care arrangements, our Separating with Children service can help.

FAQs about parental conflict in divorce

What should I do if my child doesn’t want to see me?

Try talking to your child about why they feel that way. If you can’t, try talking to your ex and seeing if they can learn more for you. Once you know what the issue is you can take steps to resolve it.

How can I improve my communication skills as a co-parent?

One of the best ways you can improve your communication is by focusing on exactly what you want to say, and saying it as clearly and concisely as possible. This is often even more important when talking to children, who might not be paying full attention. Making yourself as easily understood as possible can have a big impact on how well your message is absorbed.

When it comes to your co-parent, it can be helpful to watch your tone. Even in written communication like texts or emails, your tone can change what would otherwise be a simple message.

Watch our video on how to improve communication between co-parents:

How can I make things easier for my children when going through divorce?

Letting your child know you’re there for them, and that you’ll continue to be there for them can help them know you’re a solid part of their life.

During the early days of divorce, things can feel uncertain, changing from week to week. But by being there, showing up when needed and keeping your word, you show them that they’re a priority.

Of course, sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to just give them time to adjust. It might take a while, but children will eventually adapt and begin to handle things better once they see their parents moving on.

Additional support

This page has top tips for parents from Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service.