One of you is ready to divorce but the other isn't - how do you set the pace?

Separation rarely happens at the same speed for both people. Even if you’re both aware of long-term problems in the relationship, it can still be a huge shock when one of you suggests separation.

This article explores how the pace of separation and divorce should be agreed on together and offers advice and practical steps to help you find a way through it.

It’s normal not to be on the same timeline

When one person has been quietly considering the end of a relationship for a long time, they often arrive at the conversation already a step or two ahead. For the other person, the news can feel sudden.

It’s important to be aware of a gap in how you both feel and that you're at different emotional stages, and to navigate the situation with care.

Why rushing rarely works

If you're the one who's ready, it’s normal to want to move quickly or to worry that delay could make things more painful.

But pushing too hard to move things along can lead to conflict, resistance or a breakdown in communication. A separation that moves at a pace both people can manage is far more likely to stay amicable.

If you're the one who wants to separate

You have a right to move forward with your life but the way you approach these early conversations can set the tone for the whole process. A few things that could help:

• Give your partner space and time to absorb what you've said and don't expect an immediate plan.
• Try to be honest rather than tactical. Trying to manage how the other person feels could make things worse.
• Set a gentle pace and agree on when you'll talk again, rather than leaving things open-ended.
• Don't disappear and withdraw entirely, but try to stay present, even if conversations are brief.

Our webinar on engaging your partner in the divorce process is a good place to start if you're not sure how to open up the conversation.

If you're the one who's received the news

It can feel impossible to think practically when you're still absorbing what this means. Be kind to yourself, you don't have to have all the answers yet.

It's reasonable to ask for more time if you need it. It’s not avoiding the situation but taking care of yourself so you can show up to it properly.

If you're struggling to understand why your partner seems so far ahead of you emotionally, the webinar, Why isn't my ex ready yet?, can be just as useful to watch if you're the one who feels behind.

You might also find it helpful to read what to do when your partner wants a divorce for some grounding first steps.

The middle ground - how to find a shared pace

Neither of you needs to wait indefinitely but you also shouldn’t feel dragged along. A shared pace could look something like this:

• Agree on communication. Decide how often you'll check in with each other.
• Separate the emotional from the practical. You don't have to resolve your feelings before you start making practical decisions.
• Use support. A therapist, mediator or Divorce Specialist can help facilitate difficult conversations.

The goal isn't to move at the same speed, but to move in the same direction.

When pace becomes a sticking point

Sometimes one person uses delay as a way to avoid the process altogether. There's a difference between needing time to process and using time to block progress.

If weeks become months with no movement, it may be worth seeking some outside support to help move things forward.

An amicable Divorce Specialist can help both of you understand what the process looks like and what decisions need to be made, and when. Read what to expect on your first call if you're wondering whether that's the right next step.

Recognise you're both going through something hard

This is a significant moment for both of you and meeting each other with some patience, even when it's difficult, makes everything that follows simpler.

It’s not about putting your own needs aside but building the conditions for a separation that doesn't leave either of you worse off.

If you're not sure where to start, an amicable Divorce Specialist can talk through your situation with no pressure and no jargon. Your first call is free.

Helpful tools and support

Articles

What to do when your partner wants a divorce What to expect on your first call with an amicable Divorce Specialist When the decision wasn't yours: processing divorce as the one who didn't choose it

Webinars

Engaging your partner in the divorce process Why isn't my ex ready yet?

Support

amicable space community forum - a supportive space to ask questions, share experiences and learn from others As an amicable space member, you can also book a free 30-minute consultation with an amicable Divorce Specialist.