Co-parenting can be a difficult transition for couples post-separation. There are lots of things you might know but here are five that you probably don’t…

Five things you didn’t know about co-parenting

Let’s start with the one you probably do. Co-parenting might be the best thing you ever do for your children post-divorce. But it will also be the hardest. You may get used to it, but it probably won’t feel particularly easy. Time can be a great healer, and whilst you may be able to be around your ex and have a conversation with them, saying goodbye to your child won’t ever be a nice thing to do. Yes, you can have time on your own and do all the things you have on your bucket list (money dependent), but most likely, like the majority of parents, you didn’t sign up to have children part-time. Seeing them going off to their other parent hurts.

I'm Marcie Shaoul, Director of [The Co-Parent Way](https://thecoparentway.com/) and I work with separated parents to enable them to communicate effectively so they can bring up their children together. I've put together a list of five things you didn't know about co-parenting and one you probably do. 

Let’s start with the one you probably do. Co-parenting might be the best thing you ever do for your children post-divorce. But it will also be the hardest. You may get used to it, but it probably won’t feel particularly easy. 

Time can be a great healer, and whilst you may be able to be around your ex and have a conversation with them, saying goodbye to your child won’t ever be a nice thing to do. Yes, you can have time on your own and do all the things you have on your bucket list (money dependent), but most likely, like the majority of parents, you didn’t sign up to have children part-time. Seeing them going off to their other parent hurts. 

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## Five things you didn't know about co-parenting

#### Here are a few insights to help you along your co-parenting journey.
 
 ### 1. Co-parenting is effectively a business relationship

When we work with people to become better co-parents, we’re not trying to get them back together or even help them become friends.** We’re teaching them the techniques they need to be business partners.** And the business they need to look after is the children. If you can rethink your approach to parenting with an ex, to something that is not emotional and purely transactional then you’ll be well on the way to effective co-parenting. If you can be polite and respectful during these business-like conversations then that’s even better.

#### “Co-parenting is the ideal state between two separated parents. It is when both parents can put their children front and centre and communicate effectively about them. Co-parenting provides a safe parental bubble in which children can grow up secure in the knowledge that their parents will work together, even though they are no longer in a relationship.” - Marcie Shaoul, [The Co-parent Way](https://thecoparentway.com/)
 
### 2. Co-parenting doesn’t mean you’re letting your ex ‘win’

Being a co-parent means that we need to let go of this idea of ‘winning’ over our ex. The idea of winning or losing when it’s your child’s well-being at stake means that whatever victories you may feel you gain over your co-parent, your child will always be the loser. 

By engaging in competitive parenting, you’re not putting your child front and centre. And when you’re not doing that, you’re not being fully present as a parent. We know it’s hard when there are lots of strong emotions swirling about. We know it’s hard when the trust has gone. We know it’s hard to be civil and collaborative when you feel as though your ex may not be. But think forward. Think 20 years into the future and imagine what kind of relationship you want with your child. Whatever you need to do now to secure it, competitive parenting probably isn’t it.

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### 3. Conflict damages your children

There are situations where it’s not always possible to co-parent, however, there has been extensive research over the years, and some very recently by the Family Solutions Group, showing clearly that children who experience ongoing parental conflict that is not resolved, take a significant hit to their long-term mental health. Think of it like this. You would do anything to protect your child’s physical health? It should be the same with their mental health. By nurturing a good relationship with your co-parent, and reducing any conflict in the process, research shows your children will be less negatively impacted by your separation. 

<Podcast url="https://thedivorcepodcast.buzzsprout.com/182833/9483414-episode-36-children-s-mental-health-with-place2be" />

### 4. Your ex doesn’t need to know about your life

At [The Co-Parent Way](https://thecoparentway.com/), this is one of the best parts of the learning process. When parents realise that they don’t need to share private information about their personal lives with their ex, just because they are co-parents. It can be a real game-changer. Having boundaries and agreed parameters of the things you do talk about, also means you can agree on the things you won’t talk about. Your children are your focus. And by not focussing on your ex, you free yourself up to live your own life.

### 5. And that brings me to my final point

Co-parenting isn’t just about your children. It’s about you. You need to make sure you have a fully, resilient and happy life to lead so you can be the best parent possible for your children and so you can enjoy your life. After separation, this can be a struggle for many parents. Remembering who they are, and enjoying their time as an adult when the kids go to the other house can be hard. And if you are struggling, get some coaching to help build the life you want. Finding the positive and the opportunity in your co-parenting situation can be a real game-changer for everyone involved.

**For more information, visit [The Co-Parent Way](https://thecoparentway.com/)  or email hello@thecoparentway.com .**

Five things you didn’t know about co-parenting and one that you probably do

In this blog, we look at a helpful online co-parenting course: The Co-Parent Way. Specifically, we look at the ‘Pausing’ technique…

How changing your communication style can help you co-parent

The Pause Button retrains our brain not to interrupt during a conversation. It encourages us to very deliberately pause for a few seconds and take a breath instead of cutting short our co-parent’s thoughts. We can find pausing difficult because we may not want to consider the needs of our co-parent. They might be inconvenient for us, but pausing allows us to fully focus on who we’re talking to and what they’re saying.

In this guide, we won’t just be going over the Pause Button; we’ll also be showing a sneak peek into our new online course with The Co-Parent Way.

Whether it’s the run-up to Christmas that’s making co-parenting more stressful, or you’ve hit a bump in the road, there are some things you can do to make it easier.
 
amicable has teamed up with [The Co-Parent Way](https://thecoparentway.mykajabi.com/a/2147523293/522C3rbX) to bring you an essential online course in co-parenting. The course teaches key communication tips and tricks to enable smoother communication with your ex. We’re going to give you a quick insight into one of the tools you’ll learn on the course, to help you in the run-up to the holiday season.

When you're speaking with an ex and emotions are running high, it’s all too easy to get overwhelmed. You end up struggling to get your message across, and maybe even making things worse. We've all been there.
 
One of the simplest and most powerful communication tools you’ll learn in **Module 5 of The Co-Parent Way: Essentials Course** is how to create a **Pause Button** for yourself. Knowing when not to speak is one of the most fundamental techniques when co-parenting. ‘Pausing’ a relationship, co-parenting or otherwise, can allow conversations to run more smoothly.

**The Pause Button** retrains our brain not to interrupt during a conversation. It encourages us to pause for a few seconds and take a breath instead of cutting short our co-parent’s thoughts very deliberately. We can find pausing difficult because we may not want to consider the needs of our co-parent. They might be inconvenient for us. But pausing allows us to fully focus on who we’re talking to and what they’re saying.

Using the Pause Button means that we deliberately and consciously allow our co-parent the time to put forward their point of view. And we actively listen to it. Using these techniques will allow your co-parent to feel heard. It will improve the level of communication in your co-parenting relationship. And because you have more time to consider your responses, you may also find better solutions to some of the challenges that you, your children, and your co-parent face.

So, how do we use the Pause Button in daily life? I’ve got 4 rules for you and if you take the course, you’ll see how the Pause Button can be used effectively with your co-parent!

## 4 Rules for the Pause Button 
 
### 1.     Choose your pause button

it needs to be something you have with you all the time. For instance, a watch or a ring. This is your Pause Button. When you touch it, it will remind you to pause for 5-10 seconds during a conversation.

### 2.     Pause before responding

During conversations with your ex, have your finger on your pause button and pause for 5 – 10 seconds before responding. You don’t need to tell the person you’re talking to what you’re doing. No-one needs to know. Only speak when they’ve finished speaking. This can be hard to do, and it may feel strange. But it’ll start to feel more normal with practice. Persevere and you’ll see how it starts to transform your conversations with your co-parent and others.

### 3.     Respond calmly and respectfully

When they’ve finished speaking, respond calmly and respectfully having fully heard what they’ve said. Remember that pausing is not at all about being passive or submissive. You don’t HAVE TO AGREE with someone. You can ask for time to consider something. But your responses will be said in a calmer manner.

### 4.     Reflect 

At the end of the conversation, ask yourself what pausing and active listening allowed you to learn that you might not have noticed otherwise. Pausing in this way allows you to calm down your nervous system and gather your thoughts. It will help you communicate with the clarity and purpose you need. Pausing in this way allows you to calm down your nervous system and gather your thoughts. It will help you communicate with the clarity and purpose you need.
 
And remember, as you’re handing over your children, they need to see you both in control. They want you to be able to parent them and to talk with each other. That’s probably the best gift they will get this year. You’ve got this.

For more information and to take The Co-Parent Way: Essentials Course please click [here](https://thecoparentway.mykajabi.com/a/2147523293/522C3rbX).

## FAQs

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Although it may be difficult, try to approach the situation with a calm and patient mindset. Keep in mind that your co-parent not communicating may be influenced by various factors, such as their own emotions, stress, or personal circumstances. By remaining composed, you set the foundation for a more productive conversation in the future. 
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<CollapseSection title="Are there any specific tips and tricks for improving co-parenting styles?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Learning how to be a better co-parent takes time and commitment. However, communication, listening and being respectful can help a great deal. Most of the time, it comes down to listening to what your other co-parent has to say and thinking about how you respond to them. However, we have lots of [blogs on our website](https://amicable.io/blog/latest) which go into much greater detail.
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<CollapseSection title="Is there a specific app for co-parenting communication?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Yes, amicable has designed app specifically to help co-parents communicate and plan better with each other. You can download it [here](https://amicable.io/coparenting-app).
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The Pause Button: our top tips for co-parenting this Christmas

Sumaya Ali

Five tips for co-parenting over Christmas and the festive season

Comment for post id: 116 on 04.12.2018 22:12:15.

Co-parenting over Christmas can be hard work. We’ve created this guide to ease the pressure by helping you make the festive season more amicable and your arrangement…

Co-parenting over Christmas and the festive season

Marcie Shaoul shares her expertise on navigating the festive season with your co-parent.

As all separated or divorced parents know, the festive season, whether you celebrate Christmas or not, become bittersweet. We still adore watching our kids get excited for Santa, or presents, or special foods. And yet, at the back (or sometimes front) of our minds is the knowledge that we will need to share time with them over the holidays and try to create a co-parenting Christmas schedule that pleases both parents. We also know we won’t get to share in each and every of their special moments, and that’s really tough. 

Usually, when I’m working with both parents on co-parent coaching, we come up with a Christmas plan as part of the co-parent charter that we create. Some parents take it in turns to have Christmas and New Year from one year to the next. Some manage to all get together on Christmas day. And some parents are alienated from their kids and so their children don’t get to see them at all over the holidays.

There isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ approach, but I always encourage parents to see it from their child’s perspective. And generally, that’s being able to see both parents at some point over the holidays. 

Of course, Christmas isn’t just about parents. It’s about wider families, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. It can be quite stressful for a child of divorced parents to move from one set of people to another and swap roles and house rules. One way to [make it easier for your child](https://amicable.io/how-can-divorce-impact-children) is to be amicable and transactional. Be polite. Whatever is going on for you, remember you’re a parent and that demonstrating to your child that you can be polite to your ex will make them feel much more secure.

**This is the time of year when the focus is on family, so here are five ways that you can help your child feel like they are not the odd one out:**
1.  Share Christmas lists with your ex and agree in advance what you are going to buy.
2.  Try and have an hour or two as a whole unit if possible, maybe share a mince pie, or give your child a joint present. Demonstrate that you can unite for them if you need to.
3.  If you’re not living near each other, absolutely video call/call on Christmas day, so your child can speak to the parent they are not with.
4.  Have some small presents under the tree from the other parent, that your child can open. This helps your child feel held in a parental bubble and assured that you can communicate and are fine to be around each other, however you might feel inside.
5.  And finally at handover, always be polite, be upbeat with your child (changing houses is always a big deal), and send them off with a kiss, a hug and maybe a treat or two. If you need to cry or scream or shout. Do it when they are out of earshot.

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## FAQs

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Ultimately, the decision should be guided by open and honest communication. Discuss your thoughts and ideas with your ex-partner, while keeping your children's best interests at heart.
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If spending Christmas together isn't feasible or would cause more stress than joy, alternative arrangements can be made that still prioritise creating special memories for your children.
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Blended families often have different child arrangements and obligations. Flexibility is essential during the holiday season. Work together with your ex-partner and stepparent to find a schedule that allows everyone to spend quality time with their loved ones.
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We understand that blending you families can be tough, so here are some  tips on how to make it as smooth a transition as possible...

Blended families – tips to help yours work

Creating your blended family can be tricky and treacherous at the beginning, but if you persevere then it can bring so much reward. Here are some things that will help you reach stable ground.

Children who live as part of a successful blended family have access to not just their biological parents, but also step parents, new siblings, step grandparents as well as the wider family. When this works well, the ‘original child’ can grow in ways that their biological parents simply couldn’t offer them alone. They will be broader and more learned human beings, and have the advantage of knowing how to deal with lots of different types of people, they will also become more flexible and be able to see more perspectives on things.

When a blended family works, it can be amazing for the original children.

Getting to the point where everyone is working in the same way can be tricky and in its early stages, whilst people are figuring out how to do it, has been likened (by a client of mine) to an unexploded minefield. Navigating this minefield can be tricky and treacherous at the beginning, but if you persevere then it can bring so much reward.

Here are some things that will help you reach stable ground.

**1\. Remember who you’re doing this for**
------------------------------------------

When we aim to make a blended family work, we do it for the sake of our children, so they can have clear amicable access to both of their parents and their new partners without picking up on any negativity. Stepping into their shoes to remember that can be very helpful for us when we feel angry or jealous that our children aren’t with us all the time.

**2\. Have a solid parental agreement**
---------------------------------------

This is the first practical thing that needs to be put in place. Having agreements about [how you will introduce new partners](https://amicable.io/introducing-new-partners) onto the scene is a really important first step. Then working out together what the key messages are that you will tell your child is the crucial second step. Key messages mean your child is hearing the same things from all the significant people in their lives.

Here are some examples:

> “Jane will never replace mummy, nor will she try to be mummy, she is Jane and she will love you very much.” (Please get Jane on board with this message, as if Jane doesn’t live this, then the child won’t feel safe).
> “Both houses are your homes and we will try to keep the main rules the same in both houses. We won’t always get it completely right, but we will all try.”

Set similar rules around bed times, homework, screen times, meal times and responses to certain behaviour.

**3\. Use similar language**
----------------------------

Make a decision what to call step siblings, or grandparents etc. In our blended family, we don’t use the word ‘step’ and instead our son has ‘siblings’ at both houses and four sets of grandparents, not two. But it’s different for each family. What does matter is that both houses have an agreement of what’s going on, to hold the space safely for the child.

**4\. Remember it’s about enhancement not replacement**
-------------------------------------------------------

When a blended family first emerges, it is pretty likely that there will be animosity, trust issues, guardedness and wanting to keep your child with you, rather than sharing them with a ‘new’ mother of father. But remember: The step parent is pretty unlikely to replace the biological parent in terms of how they are seen by the child. That doesn’t mean that the child won’t develop a rich, loving meaningful relationship with them that sits wonderfully alongside the biological parent. But it does mean you can stop feeling put out and jealous. If you can realise that your child will benefit and thrive from these new relationship, then that will help shift your mindset to become more accepting, thereby creating a less acrimonious environment for your child.

**5\. Communicate effectively**
-------------------------------

Find a way to communicate that can be all about the admin of the child. You can consider a Whatsapp group for admin and planning. Depending on the age of your child, they may already have a phone. In which case by all means have a family communication group that includes your child, so they can share sport wins, photos etc. But I also recommend to my clients that they keep a group just for the parents and step parents, so that administrative matters and arrangements can be discussed easily, without their child knowing that there is a negotiation going on for their time.

Be respectful and remember the most important thing: The other house loves your child as much as you do.

<Podcast url="https://thedivorcepodcast.buzzsprout.com/182833/6730192-episode-15-blended-families" /> 

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Blended families – top tips to help yours work

Anna

Introducing new partners to your ex partner after divorce or separation

Comment for post id: 142 on 02.11.2020 16:33:50.

Advice from co-parenting expert, Marcie Shaoul, on how to introduce new partners to your blended family after divorce / separation.

Introducing new partners to your ex partner after divorce

The thought of introducing new partners into the mix when you’re divorced is never easy. Whether you’re being introduced to one, or you’re the one doing the introducing, it’s certainly going to bring up emotions somewhere. And that’s before we’ve even thought about how to tell the children.

I work with a lot of blended families at various stages, from introductory work, to full on integration with grandparents and step-grandparents. It’s a really difficult area to navigate. Coming at it from the perspective of the children, always, can help us keep it in check, but it does require careful planning and thinking ahead.

I have clients at the moment, let’s call them Bob and Sue. Bob and Sue divorced acrimoniously, but went through the process whilst having co-parent coaching. In their co-parent charter, I had already factored in that it was going to be a really difficult moment when one of them met someone new.

So they came back to coaching for a couple of sessions to figure it out together. The most important thing they did when they split up, was agree that they would always communicate from the best interests of their children. They have never found this easy, but working with a co-parenting expert has been invaluable for them.

Here are our top tips on how to talk to your ex to help make a smooth transition.

1\. Ideally (and it’s rarely ideal) at the point of breakup, when you’re sorting out your [childcare arrangements](https://amicable.io/establishing-a-care-pattern-that-works) you come up with a plan on how you will tell each other when you meet a new partner and how you will approach telling the children.

2\. Find a co-parenting expert who can help you see things from each other’s perspectives and help keep the point of view of the children front and centre.

3\. Make sure it’s serious with the new person. There is no point in going through all the drama of telling your ex, that there is someone significant in your life if, quite frankly, they are not significant. The less love interests your children come into contact with, the better.

4\. Arrange to sit down with your other parent and explain that you have met someone and that you will be introducing them to the children. It’s really important here not to get bogged down into accusations or emotions and to stay in the present and not revisit the past. Keep it as transactional as possible. Write a script beforehand if you need to. Here’s a brief example:

_“I’ve met someone who I have strong feelings for and I have decided I am ready to introduce the kids to them. I have been seeing him/her for X months and trust that they are a continuous presence in my life.”_

Now here’s another tricky bit. Ideally if you are able, it would be good to introduce new partner and old partner to each other for five minutes so they can meet. For the kids this can be really helpful and take anxiety out of any handovers. Just knowing that dad and mum’s new boyfriend can be civil, can help so much.  

Before this happens, brief the new partner to be minimal with their words and be friendly but not effusive.

There’s plenty more to say, but remember that the language you use is everything. Be clear. Be sure. Don’t be apologetic. And most of all make sure that you have your kids in mind.

If you need more advice, don't hesitate in seeking support from a co-parenting expert. 

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Suzy Miller Divorce Strategist

The New Routine – Establishing a Care Pattern that Works for all of you

Comment for post id: 123 on 03.02.2019 9:22:29.

Read this blog for information on potential care patterns that may work for your family once you're divorced or separated.

Establishing a Care Pattern that Works for all of you

Breaking up is hard to do. Even when it’s amicable. And when children are involved, it’s always harder. If you’re reading this you’re probably open to the idea that custody arrangements are changing and that there is a significant move away from the ‘mum get’s the kids and dad sees them every other weekend’ patterns of the last few decades. Believe me, that’s a good thing. It’s also tough. Tough to share your kids, but you know what, it’s tougher for them if they don’t see both parents. Read this blog for information on potential care patterns that may work for your family once you're divorced or separated.

Breaking up is hard to do. Even when it’s amicable. And when children are involved, it’s always harder. If you’re reading this you’re probably open to the idea that custody arrangements are changing and that there is a significant move away from the ‘mum gets the kids and dad sees them every other weekend’ patterns of the last few decades. Believe me, that’s a good thing. It’s also tough. Tough to share your kids, but you know what, it’s tougher for them if they don’t see both parents.

I run Rolling Stone Coaching, the UK’s only co-parent coaching practice, and I work with parents to help you change your perspectives and manage your emotions so you are able to look at things from the point of view of your kids. Which means that you can make decisions that are less emotionally charged and more transactional. And that’s the ideal place to get to.

I see several different kinds of care patterns and it really does depend on the geography of where both parents live. Here are some ideas to help you make a decision that works for all of you: Oh and before you read, remember that when the children aren’t with you that there is an opportunity there. It may feel hideous when they go, but in that time I really encourage parents to take on experiences that enrich their lives. It’s not easy, but it will help.

Living within 45 minutes of each other
--------------------------------------

### The most common arrangement

Definitely aim for every other weekend with each parent. Ideally a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night, (if school drops can be managed easily on Monday mornings) and also one or two nights in the week. Remember homework will need to be managed too as well as after-school clubs, so make sure that you can both accommodate this.

### Week on / Week off

Some parents who I see do a week on and a week off. This is not for everybody and I would advise this for families where communication is not an issue. So if the kids are with one parent and the other wants to FaceTime them, or the kids want to FaceTime their other parent, then there should be no restrictions on doing so. A week is a long time, especially for a young child.

### A 3-4 split

This is a trickier one to navigate because of weekends. And it always looks different from month to month, but if your children can get their heads round it and they can see and they know where they are going to be from one week to the next then it can be managed.

Fortnightly 1: Monday – Thursday (parent one) Thursday – Sunday (parent two)

Fortnightly 2: Thursday – Sunday (parent one) Monday – Thursday (parent two)

And once a month it works out that both parents will have a full week with the kids.

Living further away.
--------------------

It depends how far, but definitely aim for every other weekend, and then have two evenings a week **minimum** to speak to the parent who they are not with. And I advise supplementing some of the school holidays here so the parent who sees the kids less, has the option to make up some (not all) of the days through the holidays.

The thing to remember is to try not to restrict the contact with the other parent. It’s your choice that you are divorcing, not your children’s. Why should they have to limit their access to their mum or dad just because you want to?

[Get in touch](https://rollingstonecoaching.com/) if you want to talk more. 

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