In this blog, we’ll explore how to rebuild your life post-divorce focusing on how to heal from divorce, how long it might take to do so, and the best ways…

How to heal from divorce or separation

Divorce is commonly accepted now as one of the most traumatic experiences you may have in life.  I know it certainly was for me.  The first few months after my separation were incredibly challenging – I lost two stone in six weeks, stopped sleeping properly, couldn’t really eat, and spent many hours ruminating on what I could have done differently to avoid this.

**Divorce is commonly accepted now as one of the most traumatic experiences you may have in life.** I know it certainly was for me. The first few months after my separation were incredibly challenging – I lost two stone in six weeks, stopped sleeping properly, couldn’t really eat, and spent many hours ruminating on what I could have done differently to avoid this.

Whether it was your decision to divorce or not, there is a grieving process to go through. I prefer to call it a healing process, as that feels somehow more focused on the future.

The process to healing from divorce will be different for everyone.

#### 'As you go through your divorce, you may grieve all sorts of things – perhaps the loss of your spouse, the loss of the life you thought you had, the loss of your nuclear family, a sense of loss of self.'

In 1969, psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross set out five stages of grief in her work around bereavement and dying. As you read these, perhaps you will recognise the different stages.

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### Denial

Perhaps you’re thinking ‘this isn’t happening’ or ‘when I wake up tomorrow, it will all be OK’.
You feel shocked and uncertain.  Denial and shock are how your brain reacts to protect you from the pain of a reality you aren’t yet ready for.  It helps you not to feel so overwhelmed, by refusing to believe what is happening.

### Anger

This stage might sound like ‘how dare he/she do that?’ or ‘she/he is such a...'

Friends may join you in your anger and encourage you to do things that are out of character. [Anger](https://amicable.io/how-to-deal-with-anger-during-a-divorce) is full of energy and this is when you’re perhaps most likely to do or say something you may later regret.

<Podcast url="https://thedivorcepodcast.buzzsprout.com/182833/9443026-episode-35-mental-health-with-spillr" />

### Bargaining

In this stage, you might try to negotiate with yourself, with the universe, or with your ex.  You might think ‘if only I had been more attentive /sexier/funnier, this might not be happening’, or perhaps ‘if I had only done something earlier, perhaps we could have avoided all this’.

### Depression

This is when you just don’t want to get out of bed, perhaps you find yourself crying a lot, and feeling totally lacking in energy, thinking ‘I can’t face this’.

### Acceptance

When you reach acceptance, you might think ‘that happened, but I’m OK’ or ‘It was sad that we got divorced, but I feel hopeful for the future’.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are happy about your divorce, or that you have ‘got over it’ and forgotten it.  It does mean that you can live with it, you can look forward, and start to create a new future that suits you.  You might find yourself noticing all the things you’ve learnt, and how you’ve grown as a result of your divorce.
 
These stages are not linear, and you probably won’t glide smoothly from one to the next.  Instead, they can be messy, confusing and it might feel like you’re on a roller coaster.  You might feel sad one minute, and then something happens to bring anger to the fore.  You might find that you feel at peace one day, but full of bargaining thoughts the next.

#### 'Please be reassured that all of this is normal.'

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## Healing from divorce - 3 tips to help you as you move through your healing process:

### Tip 1: Notice where you are right now

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*   Take a moment to think about the different stages and identify where you feel you are right now
*   Where do you feel you were yesterday?  Last week?
*   What do you notice about how you are moving through the different stages? 
</TicksDecoration>

### Tip 2: Break your state

If you find yourself stuck in a funk, feeling that you can’t change how you feel, here are some simple strategies to shift your energy fast:

<TicksDecoration>
*   Do some star jumps
*   Shake your whole body and stretch up really tall
*   Change your clothes and wear something that you KNOW makes you feel great
*   Listen to a really uplifting song, really loudly
*   Take some time out to listen to a [meditation](https://amicable.io/mindfulness-activities-to-help-during-divorce-and-separation)
*   Go for a walk in the sunshine or do some yoga
</TicksDecoration>

### Tip 3: Ask yourself positive questions

It can be easy to get stuck wondering why, and in a negative spiral of thinking.  So ask yourself great questions:

<TicksDecoration>
*   What would be the most helpful thought I could have right now?
*   Who would be the best person to help me with this?
*   What has happened today that was good?
*   What advice might my closest friend give me right now?
*   What one thing always lifts my mood?
</TicksDecoration>

#### 'Remind yourself that this too shall pass.  Be kind to yourself as you move through these stages of healing, and be gentle with yourself.'

## FAQs

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<CollapseSection title="How long does it take to heal from divorce?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
The time it takes to heal from a divorce varies from person to person, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Healing from divorce is a highly individualised process, and it can depend on various factors, including the nature of the marriage, the circumstances of the divorce, and the emotional resilience of the individuals involved.</CollapseSection>
<CollapseSection title="Why is healing from divorce trauma difficult?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Healing from divorce trauma can be challenging for many different reasons including feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem, social stigmas that add to the emotional burden and make it difficult to seek support, and the sense of failure can be a significant barrier to healing from divorce.
</CollapseSection>
<CollapseSection title="How do you heal from a divorce that you didn’t want?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Knowing how to heal from a divorce that you didn't want can be particularly challenging because it often involves a sense of loss, rejection, and the feeling of being out of control. While the process of healing from divorce is unique to each individual, seeking emotional support from your loved ones, focusing on self-care and if necessary, seeking professional help through therapy or counselling, can all help you overcome these feelings and emotions.
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Healing from divorce and the healing curve

In this guide, Divorce Specialist Claire Black runs through her tips on how to deal with frustration towards your ex-partner as you divorce or separate.

How to deal with frustration as you divorce

Here are some tips on how to deal with divorce frustration as you separate.

I’m sure, like me, you’ve been in a position of feeling frustrated during your divorce.  Often, I see this happen when one person feels they just can’t seem to get through to their ex and make them understand their point.  As a result, they feel frustrated, irritated, angry and powerless.

I have been working with a client recently, Jamie (whose name I’ve changed for confidentiality purposes), who was really struggling with this.  He felt frustrated when his ex-wife refused to accept his point of view, and he found every conversation stressful.  He spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and angry, and he used phrases like “I just wish I could get her to understand this”, and “why can’t she just accept that?”.

Jamie and I did a lot of work around how to deal with frustration and [anger](https://amicable.io/how-to-deal-with-anger-during-a-divorce), and especially, what he could and could not control. In our last session, we created a 5-point checklist for him of questions and strategies that he had learned to help him with the frustration he felt. 

So here’s Jamie’s list of the best ways to deal with frustration during a divorce:

**Stop. Breathe. Think. Act.**
--------------------------

This became Jamie’s mantra.  He could be hot-headed and sometimes respond with anger without pausing to breathe or think. ‘Stop breathe think act’ became a go-to strategy for dealing with frustration or anger whenever anything happened that he couldn’t rationally cope with. Whenever he felt his emotions rising, he would stop to breathe before responding.

**Am I in my zone of control?**
-------------------------------

Fundamentally, you can only control yourself, your reactions, responses, and behaviours.  You cannot control how other people act. 

Jamie realised that a lot of the time, he was trying to control others around him.  He was frustrated when his ex-wife wasn’t responding how he expected her to or how he wanted her to.  He wanted to make her understand his perspective, and act differently.  Using my control diagram below, he saw that he was spending a lot of time in the yellow zone, outside his zone of control.

![Control Chart](https://cms.amicable.io/vendors/Control%20chart.png)

**What was my part in this?**
-----------------------------

It can be very easy to blame the other person for all that feels challenging or difficult right now.  This can leave you feeling like the powerless victim of circumstances over which you have no control. 

Jamie and I came up with a list of great questions that helped him to think about what he could do to take responsibility for his part, and think of possible ways forward:

*   What was my part in this?
*   What do I usually do? Does it work?  If not, what else could I try?
*   What could I do differently?

**Take a helicopter view**
--------------------------

It’s easy to get caught up in your own view and interpretation of things when you’re experiencing strong feelings like hurt, pain and anger. It is easy to forget that the other person is probably also feeling strong emotions and may also be acting instinctively from a place of fear or hurt.

Jamie found the concept of taking a helicopter view really helpful. As we discussed recent arguments between him and his ex, I encouraged him to imagine that he was flying above the scene in a helicopter. From the helicopter he could see himself and his ex, and he could see their different perspectives, backgrounds, and beliefs. He could see why each was responding in the way they did.

From the helicopter, he was able to describe his own position, how he saw the issue, what he felt, heard, and believed.  Then he was able to do the same for his ex-wife, and describe what she felt, heard, and believed. Sometimes he was able to find common ground, and he was always able to get a clearer view of why both were reacting as they were. 

It enabled him to take a step back and see the scene as a third party might see it. He could see the bigger picture, and it helped him to step away from only seeing his own feelings. 

**Whose map am I in?**
----------------------

One of the fundamentals of NLP is that everybody has a different map of the world. We all have our own way of looking at the world, based on our beliefs, experiences and values, and even whether we are hot or cold, hungry, or thirsty, tired, or fully awake. Once Jamie understood this, he was able to see that he and his ex-wife had very different experiences of conflict. 

Jamie’s ex came from a family who rarely argued and tended to sweep issues under the carpet or run away from conflict, while Jamie came from a family who would shout and cry and then make up. He realised that when he became angry, his ex-wife tended to retreat and become quiet and withdrawn. They were both following patterns set down in childhood.

Jamie started to be more curious about his ex-wife’s feelings and reactions, and to think of different ways to communicate with her. It meant that he started to think about the sorts of words he chose to use, and the ways in which he spoke to her. He made a conscious effort to use ‘stop breathe think act’ and be curious about how his ex was feeling.

Through taking responsibility for his part in their conflict and looking at what he could do to change the dynamic between them, Jamie was able to concentrate on what was within his power to change. As a result, his levels of frustration dropped significantly, as did the levels of conflict with his ex-wife.

If you’d like to explore this topic further, listen to this episode of [The Divorce Podcast](https://thedivorcepodcast.com) where Kate Daly was joined by Ed Bassett, a well-being entrepreneur, Dad, and rugby fan to discuss his divorce and journey of self-growth.

<Podcast url="https://thedivorcepodcast.buzzsprout.com/182833/12258357-episode-77-how-to-adopt-a-growth-mindset-to-navigate-divorce" />

If you would prefer some more direct help with navigating your divorce or separation, be it the legal, emotional or financial side, you can book a free 15-minute call with one of our Divorce Specialists below:

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## FAQs

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<CollapseSection title="How to get rid of frustration during or after your divorce or separation?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
It's completely normal to feel frustrated during or after a divorce or separation. Allow yourself to recognise and accept these emotions without judgment. Surround yourself with understanding friends, family members, or even a therapist who can provide a supportive ear and offer guidance through this difficult time. 

Recognize that healing takes time, and it's okay to have good days and bad days. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to adapt to the changes as they come.
</CollapseSection>
<CollapseSection title="Are there any alternative ways to deal with frustration?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Mindfulness and mediation are great practices that can help you overcome that frustration and anger. Read our guide here about mindfulness on divorce.</CollapseSection>
<CollapseSection title="Are frustration and anger the same thing when it comes to divorce?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
While frustration and anger are related emotions and can often overlap, they aren’t the same thing, especially in the context of divorce.

Frustration typically arises from feeling thwarted or blocked in achieving a goal or desire. Frustration during a divorce might stem from the legal process itself, disagreements with your ex-partner, or challenges in adjusting to the changes in your life.

On the other hand, anger is an emotional response to feeling wronged, hurt, or threatened. On divorce or separation, anger might arise from feelings of betrayal, resentment, or unresolved conflicts with your ex-partner.
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How do you deal with frustration during divorce or separation

Co-parenting in the summer holidays can often be quite a challenge for those who are parenting apart following a separation. Working out schedules.

Tips for co-parenting through the summer holidays

Here are my top 4 tips for successful co-parenting over the holidays.

The long summer holidays are soon to begin in England & Wales. Even in an undivided family, holidays can cause headaches over juggling childcare, work, breaks to routine, trips away. When you are trying to organise the co-parenting summer schedule, it can be stressful, and emotions can run high.

Here are my top four tips for successful co-parenting during the holidays:

**Keep your long-term vision in the front of your mind**
--------------------------------------------------------

In my [recent blog](https://amicable.io/tips-for-co-parenting-after-separation), I talked about having a shared vision for co-parenting. This shared vision can be powerful now as you navigate plans for the holidays. Keep your vision in mind as you negotiate your summer schedule to help you focus on the long-term gains of the style of co-parenting that you have committed to.

If this is the first time you’ve had to negotiate holiday times, remember there will be other opportunities to take the children abroad in the future, and what you do now will set the tone for the years to come. How do you want to feel when you look back in five years and you recall what you did and said?

**Take a helicopter view**
--------------------------

Sometimes when emotions are running high, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees. If you’re caught in a fight over holiday times or there is a dispute that you’re finding it hard to agree on, try this exercise and see what comes up for you. I suggest you read it through from start to finish before you start or ask a friend or your coach to go through it with you.

First bring the issue to mind and summarise it in just a couple of sentences.

*   What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

Stand up and shake your body. Move into a different chair, or a different spot in the room.

*   Imagine you are your ex. Really imagine being them, with their values, experiences and views. What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

Stand up again and shake your body. Move again into a different chair or spot in the room.

*   Imagine now that you are your child. Really feel into being them. What do they want? How do they feel? 

Stand up again and shake your body. 

*   Now imagine you are watching from a helicopter hovering overhead. You can clearly see and hear everything that you, your ex and your children have just said about how they feel. What do you notice? 

Once you have stepped out of the helicopter, take a moment to take in all this information. How has your perspective shifted? What new insights have you gained? 

How can you use your new insights and perspective to discuss your coparenting plans with your ex for the summer?

**Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can’t**
------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, when your emotions get in the way, it can feel challenging to have a calm and rational discussion about the holidays. Perhaps this will be the first time you have spent longer than a few nights away from your children, or maybe you feel resentful about the time you’re not spending with them. Or perhaps you dread the summer holidays every year as you don’t enjoy the time alone and you feel lost.   

One way to turn down the temperature on those emotions is to focus on what you CAN do and CAN have, rather than on what you can’t. Take back your power over your time and your feelings.

Ask yourself questions like:

*   What can I do in that time that I couldn’t do before?
*   What have I always wanted to do and never had the time?
*   Who do I know who handles this well? What can I learn from them?
*   Who can I arrange to meet up with to have some childfree time?
*   What do I love to do and enjoy? When could I do more of that?

Be open to opportunities. When you shift your focus onto what you can do instead of what you can’t, you can change how you feel about the time you have away from the children, and this will impact your discussions with your ex.

**Take the lead**
-----------------

You could also use these sorts of questions with your children to plan some fun and exciting things to do together over the holidays. Make the time you do have count. Perhaps you could create a holiday bucket list of things you’d like to do or try over the holidays. Choose two or three to commit to and plan them into your summer holiday schedule. When you do, take lots of photos, and create a new memory board for your house of all the things you have enjoyed doing together.

Your children will take their cue from you. If you are stressed and negative, they will be too. If you’re [angry](https://amicable.io/how-to-deal-with-anger-during-a-divorce) and resentful, they’re likely to feel conflicted and anxious. If you look for opportunities to explore and try new things, they will too. If you focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t, so will they.

When you show them that you can agree a co-parenting summer schedule, and you can also plan some fun times with your coparent, you give your children a fabulous model to follow, that they will remember for years to come.

For help from a co-parenting expert [click here](https://amicable.io/co-parenting-coaching-session). 

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## FAQs

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<CollapseSection title="Should co-parents spend holidays together?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Whether co-parents should spend holidays together largely depends on the dynamics of the relationship, the comfort level of both parents, and what is in the best interest of the child. While it's not a one-size-fits-all situation, there are a few things you can consider such as: your children’s wellbeing, your cooperation and communication levels, consistency and route, and importantly, your other coparent’s boundaries.
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<CollapseSection title="What’s the best way to create a coparenting schedule for the summer?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
The best way to create a clear and decisive coparenting schedule for the summer holidays is to keep your communication channels open, whether that be through text, calls or through a coparenting app. amicable’s co-parenting helps you manage all aspects of co-parenting in one secure place, making parenting after divorce and separation simpler.
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<CollapseSection title="Can separated parents take children on holiday?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Yes, separated parents can certainly take their children on holiday. However, it's important to navigate this situation with careful consideration of legal agreements, communication, and the best interests of the child. For more information on this, I would recommend booking a free 15-minute consultation with one of our child experts which you can do [here](https://calendly.com/d/crj-93m-rp4).
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### Related content

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Top tips for co-parenting through the summer holidays

Sylvie Feltham

What’s the best way to co-parent after divorce or separation? - amicable’s top tips & complete guide

Comment for post id: 145 on 27.06.2019 16:04:07.

Co-parenting after separation or divorce can seem quite the challenge, especially after such an emotional time. Here, we share our top tips for co-parenting.

The amicable guide to co-parenting after divorce

“Co-parenting” describes a parenting relationship in which the child’s parents share responsibility for bringing up their child(ren) despite not being in a relationship with each other.  It is often held up as the ideal way to parent children following a separation or divorce.

“Co-parenting” describes a parenting relationship in which the children’s parents share responsibility for bringing them up despite not being in a relationship with each other.  It’s often held up as the ideal way to parent children following a separation or divorce. 

### My co-parenting story

I have two teenage boys with my ex-husband.  They divide their time approximately 60/40 between our respective homes.  Both my ex-husband and I are remarried, so they have stepparents at both houses and live in blended families.  
They have a younger brother with their dad and step-mum, and older stepsiblings in my second husband’s grown-up children.

We have been divorced since our boys were very young.  Over time, we have settled into a co-operative and successful pattern of co-parenting.  It hasn’t been without its challenges of course, but our children are happy and settled. 
They have also learnt a great deal from watching the way we have worked together for their benefit.  They’re very far from being the “damaged” children from a “broken home” that the media often portrays.  I would go so far as to say that they have learnt many life lessons from watching us forge a path to successful co-parenting – including lessons in communication, compromise, compassion, and flexibility.

These are my 4 top tips from my experience to help you co-parent after your divorce or separation:

### Have a joint vision

If you intend to co-parent with your ex, it helps to have a joint vision, and awareness of how you want your relationship to look and feel - not just now, but in 10- or 20-years’ time. 

When you’re working together towards a common, defined goal, it helps to focus the mind on where you are headed.  Keep that shared goal at the front of your minds in all your discussions and refer back to it. This long-term vision of your future relationship can keep you on track when things get a bit heated, or your ex does something that you don’t agree with.  It encourages both you and your ex-partner to focus on your main objective, the children.

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My ex and I agree that the emotional wellbeing of our children is paramount, and that we want our children to know that at their major life events, we will both be there for them.  This shared goal informs our communication, whether that is by email, text, phone, or face to face.

Of course, it may not be possible to sit down and have this conversation with your ex.  If that is the case for you, then having your own personal vision can be just as powerful – [take a look at my earlier blog on communication with your ex for some tips](https://amicable.io/tips-for-more-successful-communication-with-your-ex)

### Be consistent

When I was thinking about this blog, I asked my ex-husband what his top tip for successful co-parenting after separation was.  

His reply:
*“Always back each other up in front of the children, even when you might not understand the reason behind a decision from the other house. Children need and value consistency from both parents.”*

Just this morning, we have had a conversation about our younger son’s mobile phone usage. We’ve agreed on a consistent approach across both houses and a joint message that we will both give. On fundamental issues of parenting like mobile phones, internet usage, acceptable behaviours; we try our best to agree on a strategy. 

What if you can’t agree on a strategy, or you have totally different approaches to parenting?

If we can’t agree on a strategy, and we agree to disagree, then I would say to our children that sometimes parents have different viewpoints.  This would happen if their Dad and I were still married. Sometimes, what might be okay here isn’t okay at Dad’s, and vice versa.  They can cope with different rules, as long as their Dad and I are consistent in our support of each other.

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### Keep the children out of any conflict between you

Research shows that divorce is most damaging for children when they are caught up in conflict between their parents.  If you do have disagreements or arguments, avoid discussing those with the children, and don’t lean on them for emotional support.  
Don’t ask them to take sides or use them to pass messages between you.  Your children love you both, they don’t want to be caught in the middle, or to have to choose between you.  There’s nothing more uncomfortable for a child than to hear his parents criticising each other in a way that they don’t understand.

### Remember it’s about them, not you

In the beginning it was painful when I had to wave my boys off for a weekend with their Dad.  I was angry with him at first, as he had left very suddenly and was already in a relationship with a new partner.  It would have been easy to punish him for hurting me by being difficult about his time with our children.

My mantra at that time was that it’s about them, not me.  They are 50% of both of us. Our children need and deserve a good relationship with both of us. Whatever I was feeling in the early days, I plastered a smile on my face as they drove off for time at their Dad’s. They didn’t need to see my pain or worry about me when they were away. They needed to be free to have a strong bond with us both.

I have always told our boys that it is important to me that they spend time with their Dad, and that they are happy there. 

When they are happy, I am happy. 

Even if co-parenting like this isn't possible in your situation - perhaps your ex is particularly difficult or there is too much conflict for you to talk - it is always possible to be the best parent you can be, and the best role model you can be for your children.

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## FAQs

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<CollapseSection title="What’s the best way to co-parent after divorce?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
There are several ways to improve co-parenting after divorce. These include keeping open communication, being consistent and respecting boundaries. Children should always be kept at the forefront. 
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<CollapseSection title="What are the benefits of co-parenting after divorce or separation?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Co-parenting after separation can offer many benefits for both parents and children. These include a sense of stability for the children as they’re able to have a predictable schedule seeing both parents separately. Co-parenting can also provide an opportunity for parents to model healthy communication, conflict resolution, and cooperation, which can have a positive impact on their children's relationships and behaviours.
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<CollapseSection title="Is cooperative parenting following family separation possible?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Yes, cooperative parenting following family separation is not only possible but also highly beneficial for both the parents and the children involved. Cooperative parenting involves both parents working together in a collaborative and respectful manner to raise their children, despite the end of their romantic relationship. While it may require effort and commitment, cooperative parenting can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved.
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It’s impossible to escape the media hype about Mothers’ Day, and when you’re separated and going through a divorce, it can be challenging to handle the emotions that you might find well up. All those sugary images of smiling, happy families are impossible to ignore, and I know it can really hurt if your children aren’t with you on the day. It can be easy to feel low or angry and lose yourself in thinking about the “what if’s”.

How to handle Mothers’ Day as a single parent – tips for Mums and Dads

It’s impossible to escape the media hype about Mothers’ Day, and when you’re separated and going through a divorce, it can be challenging to handle the emotions that you might find well up. All those sugary images of smiling, happy families are impossible to ignore, and I know it can really hurt if your children aren’t with you on the day. It can be easy to feel low or angry and lose yourself in thinking about the “what if’s”.

I am here to reassure you that you do have a choice. You can consciously decide to dial down any negative feelings you might have and change your experience. You always have a choice about how you react to any situation. How you react can have a significant impact on your own feelings, and those of your children.

Here are my top tips for Mothers’ Day (these can be reversed for Fathers’ Day):

**If possible, talk to your ex and plan ahead**
-----------------------------------------------

Research shows that it isn’t divorce itself that damages children; it is being caught in the conflict that damages children. The ideal way to handle arrangements for Mothers’ Day (and Fathers’ Day) is by agreement. If you can incorporate the dates into your [parenting plan](https://amicable.io/create-parenting-plan) and schedule, then do. Support your children’s relationship with their other parent and make it as easy as possible for them to be able to see their Mum on Mothers’ Day, and their Dad on Fathers’ Day, even if it doesn’t fit in with the ‘usual’ routine.

**For Mums:**
-------------

**Focus on what you CAN do**
----------------------------

Instead of focusing on what you can’t do or no longer have, shift your focus onto what you CAN do. While it’s true that Mothers’ Day this year might be different, and not the same as before, you can change your approach and focus.

Ask yourself how you could make it better for you. If your children are little, perhaps you can take them with you to buy some flowers or do something creative with them to make a memory from the day. If they are older, perhaps you could all do something together that you haven’t done before. Shift your focus onto creating new memories that you can all treasure.

**Flip it and focus on the time you DO have with them**
-------------------------------------------------------

If your children aren’t with you this Mothers’ Day, flip it, and focus on the time you DO have with them, rather than dwelling on this one day that you don’t. Choose a different day to celebrate with them. You can celebrate Mothers’ Day with your children whenever you like – and you won’t have to fight to book a table at your favourite pub.

Your children will take their cue from you. If you are upset, they will be too. If you are angry and resentful, they are likely to feel conflicted and stressed. When you are upbeat and look for the upside, they will too.

**Have a plan for the day**
---------------------------

Do you know anyone else in the same position as you? Could you arrange to meet up and take a walk, or have a coffee? Perhaps you could arrange to meet up with your own Mum so that you can spend some quality time together.

**For Dads:**
-------------

**Take a fresh perspective**
----------------------------

If you are caught in a conflict over Mothers’ Day, put yourself in your ex’s shoes and imagine that you are her. Really imagine you are her, with her background, views, beliefs and outlook. This can be challenging, but it is worth doing. Consciously step out of your own head, and into hers. What do you know about how important Mothers’ Day is to her? What does she want and need? Write down the main points that come to mind. Don’t think too hard about this, just write down what comes.

Now put yourself into your children’s shoes. What do they want and need? What would they say to you right now? Again, write down the main points.

Once you have done this, look over what you have written – what do you notice? What would be the right thing to do?

Your children will benefit hugely from seeing you considering each other’s feelings and needs. Although you are no longer married to each other, you are still both their parents, and they will model their behaviour on yours.

Most children want to be free to love both Mum and Dad. They don’t want to be caught in the middle. They are born of both of you, and they want to be free to love you both. The freedom to do this is, I believe, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.

**Support your children in appreciating their Mum**
---------------------------------------------------

If your children are small, you could help them to choose a small gift for their mum, that they can give her on Mothers’ Day. If they are older, a reminder that Mothers’ Day is coming up would be kind. Small gestures like this go a long way to easing the pain that can be caused if the day passes without the children even realising it is a ‘special’ day (yes, this has happened to me!). If the children are with you on Mothers’ Day, arrange for them to speak to their Mum over facetime, skype, or by phone.

If you are able, talk to your children about all the things you appreciate about their Mum. At the very least, refrain from criticising or bad-mouthing her. You might be getting divorced now, but you once loved each other enough to have children together, and you will both be your children’s parents forever.

The over-riding message from me is that, despite your divorce, your roles as Mum and Dad remain and your children want to be able to love you both. A little give and take on special celebration days can go a long way to ensuring that your co-parenting relationship is positive and has the best interests of the children at its heart.

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How to handle Mothers’ Day as a single parent – top tips for Mums and Dads

Tim Hubbard

5 things adult children of divorce want their parents to know

Comment for post id: 127 on 09.03.2019 14:37:09.

Jamie

Comment for post id: 127 on 06.05.2020 16:12:00.

In this guide, we outline how adult children of divorced parents can be affected by the process in both the short and long term. We highlight 5 key points regarding how children, when they get older, could be affected by divorce.

The effects of parental divorce on adults

Divorcing couples with young children are inundated with advice on how to tell the children and how to act in their best interests, but there is very little advice or research out there to help you navigate talking to your adult children about your split. I’ve talked to grown-up children of divorced and divorcing parents and put together the top 5 things they want you to know about how your divorce is affecting them.

The last 20 years have seen a steady increase in the number of people over 55 seeking a divorce. In 2016, more than 13,000 women and 19,000 men aged 55 and above divorced in the UK – an increase of 5.8% from the previous year. Many of those couples have adult children.

Divorcing couples with young children are inundated with advice on [how to tell the children](https://amicable.io/tell-kids-youre-getting-divorced) and how to act in their best interests, but there is very little advice or research out there to help you navigate talking to your adult children about your split.

I’ve talked to grown-up adult children of divorce and divorcing parents; I’ve put together the top 5 things they want you to know about how your divorce is affecting them. 

**1\. “This is hurting me too”**
--------------------------------

It can be easy to assume that the effects of parental divorce on adults will be minimal – often, they’ve left home, they’re financially independent, they may be married with children of their own. 

The message I’ve heard repeatedly is that your divorce will still affect them. The news that your parents are getting a divorce is a shock, whether you are 8, 33 or 46. It can still be devastating when your parents must sell the home you grew up in, even though you moved out 10 or even 20 years ago.

However old your children are, they need you to do more than just talk to them. They need you to ask them how they feel, listen to their answers, and be there to answer their questions or give them a hug.

**2\. “Please don’t overshare or ask me to take sides”**
--------------------------------------------------------

As children grow older, their relationship with you changes and may become more of a friendship than a hands-on, every-day ‘parenting’ relationship. When things are challenging, you might tend to lean on your children for emotional support.

However, sharing the intimate details of your blog/latest row with your ex, or your date last night, is likely to be uncomfortable for your child. They may feel hurt, conflicted, and upset. 

Remember that they are 50% you, 50% your ex, and they love you both. However old they are, they don’t want to be put in the middle and to feel forced to choose between you.

Choose instead to look for emotional support from elsewhere – friends, or better still a coach or therapist trained to help you handle your emotions.

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**3\. “I have loads of questions – is this my fault? Did you stay together for my sake? Was the happy childhood I remember a lie?”**
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Many adults of divorced parents find that their parents’ separation throws up all sorts of questions and doubts about the validity of their memories of childhood. For some it can shake their fundamental beliefs about themselves – especially if you overshare details of past hurts.

Reassure your children that your divorce is not their fault or their responsibility, and that just because you’re divorcing now, it doesn’t mean their memories are false, or built on a lie. Reassure them that, although you’re choosing to separate now, you chose to be together then, and those memories are still special.

**4\. “I hate having to choose how I split my time with you both on holidays like Christmas”**
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once you are divorced, your adult children must spread themselves even thinner over holiday periods, and it can be stressful trying to keep everyone happy. If they have families and children of their own, it can become even more tricky. Unlike cases involving younger children, there are no courts or processes to go through to reach an agreement over who stays where at [Christmas](https://amicable.io/co-parenting-over-christmas). It is usually the adult children themselves who must choose how to organise their time.

The message I have heard loud and clear is that when you’re flexible about arrangements, or willing to share time, it makes it easier. When you accept your children going to their other parent with a smile, it helps them to enjoy their time with you both without feeling guilty.

**5\. “When I have special occasions in my life, please put your differences aside so that I can enjoy celebrating with you both”**
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Although my children were very young when I got divorced, I was acutely aware that one day, I would need to attend a wedding, graduation, a landmark birthday, a christening – and my ex would be there. I knew that I wanted my children to feel comfortable that we could all be in the same place together.

All the adult children I have spoken to have said that the most important thing to them is that their parents can put their differences aside for the special days in their lives.

Last month I listened to a divorce lawyer describe, with tears in her eyes and a lump in her throat, how her parents came together for her wedding despite their acrimonious split. On the most important day of her life, she said, her parents were able to put her first. They put their pride in her above their feelings about each other.

You have the remote control to your brain, and you can do this, however hard it might seem. Remind yourself that you once loved each other enough to have children. Do your best to find the good in one another rather than expecting the worst. It might not always be easy, but your children will thank you for it.

However old your children are, you are always going to be their parent, and they will always look to you for a lead. Show them that despite your divorce, you’re there for them when it matters.

## FAQs

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<CollapseSection title="How does being a child of divorce affect you as an adult?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Being an adult child of divorce can have many lasting effects. Some may find that it influences their perspectives on relationships, commitment, and trust. 
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<CollapseSection title="Does divorce hurt adult children?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Yes, divorce can have an emotional impact on adult children. While they may have a more mature understanding of the issues involved, the experience can still evoke a range of emotions, including sadness, confusion, and even a sense of loss.
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<CollapseSection title="Is divorce traumatic for adult children?" icon="chevron" withInfoIcon>
Divorce can be a source of trauma for adult children, although the degree of trauma varies from person to person. The end of their parents' marriage may challenge their established sense of family and security, leading to emotional distress and upheaval.
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Communication with your ex during a divorce or separation can be fraught and full of stress. Here are three top tips for smoother communication with your ex...

Tips for more successful communication with your ex as you separate or divorce

Communication with your ex during a divorce  or separation can be fraught and full of stress. When you are caught in a cycle of conflict, with hurt and fear in the mix, it can be all too easy for tempers to flare, for things to be said and done, and for the temperature of the discussion to rise very quickly. Here are three top tips for smoother communication with your ex.

_Photo created by freepik - www.freepik.com_

Communication with your ex during your divorce process can be fraught and full of stress. When you are caught in a cycle of conflict, with hurt and fear in the mix, it can be all too easy for tempers to flare, for things to be said and done, and for the temperature of the discussion to rise very quickly. These are my top three tips for smoother communication with your ex:

1\. Set your intention clearly
------------------------------

Know what sort of relationship you want to have in the future. What do you want your relationship to look and feel like:

• In 1 year?  
• In 5 years?  
• At your children's wedding?

The last one of these kept me out of all kinds of trouble during my divorce. I knew with all of my being that I wanted our children to feel that we can sit in the same room, at the same table and eat a meal together to celebrate their wedding. I do not want them to feel that they must choose between us. I want them to have a happy and stable relationship with us both, and our new partners.

Your vision of your future relationship might be like mine, or it might be different. Some clients tell me that their goal is to have a distanced, but respectful relationship, with contact only about the children. You might want to divorce as simply as possible and then have no contact at all. Whatever your intention for your future relationship, make sure you are clear and that you know why it is important to you – even if you don’t feel you could have that sort of relationship yet.

You may find that it helps to share your vision with your ex, so that you can feel you are working together towards a common goal. Even if you don’t entirely agree, when you have made your intention clear, it can be beneficial to refer back to it.

Once you have decided what your long-term vision for the relationship is, keep it in the forefront of your mind in all your communication. Ask yourself whether the email you are about to send or the comment you are about to make will take you nearer or further away from that goal. This doesn't mean giving in, but it may mean thinking carefully about how you say things, how you react, and the sorts of words you use in your communication.

2\. Try to see the other perspective
------------------------------------

Do you find that you sometimes assume your ex is acting in a certain way to hurt or punish you? Or to push your buttons on purpose? Or do you find yourself saying sentence beginning with “you always …..”, “you never …….”, or “you make me feel so ……? Do your arguments sometimes bring up old resentments, and throw blame around?

When you find yourself assuming you know why your ex is behaving in a certain way, or saying certain words, pause for a moment, and ask whether you are 100% sure that you are right. What else might their intention be? What might they be feeling? Remember that they are also going through a divorce and may be making assumptions about you too. Can you ask them what their intentions or feelings are? A great parenting coach I worked with recently, Mette Theilmann, describes this as being “curious not furious”.

I often use an NLP technique, called [perceptual positioning](https://www.nlpworld.co.uk/nlp-glossary/p/perceptual-positions/), to help my clients with this.

Think of an issue that you and your ex have fallen out about recently. Firstly, stand or sit in a chair and explain out loud, or by writing it down, what your perspective is. How do you see the issue? What do you hear, see and feel? What do you believe?

Once you have done that, jump up and down for a moment to shake it off.

Move to a different place on the floor or sit in a different chair. Imagine that you are your ex. You have your ex’s background, experiences, beliefs and outlook. Really feel into what it is like to be them. Now explain out loud, or by writing it down, what your perspective is, as though you were your ex. How do you see it? What do you hear, see and feel? What do you believe? Use “I” for this, so that you are thinking from their perspective.Again, shake it off.

Take a step back. Physically stand or sit in a different space or chair. Imagine you are looking at you and your ex from the perspective of a third person – someone who has no strong feelings about the issue, and who loves and supports you both. This can be a fly on the wall, a guardian angel, even the family pet. What do they notice about you and your ex in this situation? What message of advice to you both might they have?

It can be eye-opening when you do this exercise. I recently did this with a client who realised that both he and his ex-wife were both so focused on being “right” that they had lost sight of the long-term goal, which was to split with as little disruption to their children as possible.

3\. Know what you can and can’t control
---------------------------------------

When you communicate with your ex, what can you control, and what can’t you control? Put simply, you can control anything that is within your power - your own words, actions, behaviours, assumptions, reactions and choices. You cannot control theirs. Of course, you are free to put across your opinion, your perspective. Your ex then has a choice about how to respond.

It was a lightbulb moment for me what I realised this. All the time I was trying to control my ex’s responses and actions, I was only getting more and more frustrated when he didn’t do as I wished. Once I realised that I could only control my part, it meant that I thought far more carefully about my own words and actions, and I took much more time over what I said and did. If he didn’t respond in the way I hoped, I could think about what I could do differently, to get a different result. I couldn’t “make him” do anything, but I could consider how I could change my actions, words and approaches, and see if anything shifted.

Remember that you can always control your breath. If you find your emotions rising and beginning to overwhelm you, STOP! Breathe deeply, before you think and respond. Taking a moment to breathe helps to calm your heart rate and stress response, enabling you to think more clearly.

It is possible for one person to set the tone for negotiations and communication. It takes two people to continue the conflict. If you take the lead and maintain your composure, the outcome may not be what you expect.

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If you have any questions, or would like some support, please book a free 15-minute call with one of our experts [here](https://amicable.io/book-divorce-advice-call).

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